Wednesday, April 30

Deep Thoughts

A metaphor

- Don't you love it when you wake up at 6 and feel like you just passed out at 5:30 after a night of debauchery and Irish car bombs? I went to bed at 11 and I didn't drink a drop, however I feel like God's thumping my brain and I can barely string sentences together. Is this what it's like to get old?

- The genius, Ole Miss AD, Pete Boone, came out a couple months ago and said Ole Miss is gonna get the biggest High Def video board in the SEC (what a tease - He even had the nerve to say "We're gonna do this thing right."). Then instead of bidding it out to a proven company like Daktronics, who did Auburn's kick ass HD video board and upgrade for $3 million (among countless other Pro video boards) he attempted to hand the bid over to a digital billboard company out of Laurel Mississippi who has never even attempted anything like this (HD) that specializes in Kentucky Fried Chicken signage (I sh*t you not). Then, before the bid could be officially awarded, luckily the younger more tech savvy fanbase got wind of it and raised holy hell. Now Telesouth, Ole Miss' advertising and marketing pimp is rebidding the deal in mid-May...but don't you worry Ole Miss fans!!!!!!1 This monster project will surely be ready for the Memphis game in September. Typical Old South bulls**t. Some Son of a prominent football player on the board of trustees: "Sorry we can get anything done right and in a timely manner cause... but hey! My cousin's got this great little KFC sign bidness down Laurel way...Yeah, he useta do dry-wall but he's tryin' his hand at outdoor signs an s**t. He says he can hook you boys up with a Jumbo-tron for cheap." Read more about "the progress" on a great new Ole Miss blog, The Red Solo Cup.

- My thoughts on the whole BCS "no plus-one" thing as posted in response to some Pac-10 fan douche on a California Golden Bears Football blog...

HydroTech said...

I personally think the BCS is a good idea that makes college football unique and more exciting than any other sport. Unfortunately, it's only "good" and not "great." The BCS could be great without the influence of money. Having conference champions get automatic bids, is in my opinion, the worst part of the BCS and the reason why it's not quite living up to it's potential. Year after year, teams ranked higher in the BCS than a lower ranked conference champion get snubbed for the lower ranked conference champion because the BCS requires that the conference champion play in the BCS. Conferences have each paid large amounts of money to insure that their champions are insured a BCS bowl. This, in my opinion, is the mistake. It causes these "BCS Bowl Game whippings" you're talking about. Back in 2004 when Utah beat Pitt, I think Pitt was ranked like #20 in the nation and had 3 losses. The didn't deserve to be in the BCS. I think the teams that play in the BCS bowls should be the highest ranked teams to fill those slots regardless of whether they are conference champs or whether a conference has like 3 teams that would go to BCS bowls. Of course, that'd never happen because conferences are too afraid of not getting any teams into the BCS bowls, but I think if we want to see the highest quality games played in the BCS bowls, then just take the top ranked 8 or 10 teams in the BCS and stick 'em in the BCS bowls. With this type of system, Cal would have made a BCS bowl in 2004.

Erik said...

"I personally think the BCS is a good idea that makes college football unique and more exciting than any other sport."

Yeah, well your opinion is wrong. How does the BCS make College Football better than March Madness? The BCS Is Worthless. All it did is bring everybody together under one money making organization. It does nothing for the fans or players. If you want to claim that college football is unique (read: confusing and contrived) then say you want us to go back to the traditional Bowl arrangement. Right now, we've got a sh*t sandwich. But at least it's a unique sh*t sandwich, right?

College football is the greatest game in the world, and it would be even greater and more exciting if it had a legitimate ending. Right now, college football is the equivalent of "No Country for Old Men." It starts off badass then you end up thinking, this can't end well and you always end up with a "WTF?" feeling.

May 1, 2008 5:44 AM

- Pictures that make me go "WTF?":

Welcome Saban Julio-Waylon Smith

*blank stare*

Boy's just excited to be there, ain't he

The most powerful man in college football. really?

Tuesday, April 29

Bama Fan of the Week

The Magic Man

Typical. Actually, this is probably one of the cooler Bammers I've ever come across. They call him "The Magic Man" and he does cigarette tricks, he dances like MJ...anything to keep the Bama fratties entertained. I can't wait to interview him when I go down to Tuscaloosa on a comedic recon mission this fall...

Every SEC town should beso lucky as to have a guy like this in residence. Would this Athenian qualify?

Friday, April 25

My New Favorite SEC Football Player

Jason Cook - he's smarter than you

Typical SEC football player? 5-11, 248 pounds of eff you up?...Check. Menacing stare?...Check.

Jason Cook is a fullback, so like most glorified offensive linemen, we, as typical fans, pay little attention to him (unless he makes a bone-headed play- like that fullback in The Program -or he's Rick Razzano). He doesn't get the ball much and rarely shows up in the box score (hopefully that will change this season cause he's a great receiver out of the backfield).

He doesn't have a ridiculously awesome name (Yeah, I'm looking at you, De'Cody), he doesn't counterfeit bills as to make it rain, he doesn't even talk about himself in the third person, as in "Jason Cook loves to bring the pain."

Until this week, I just figured Jason Cook fit right in with the rest of the questionable qualifiers/big dumb animals...then I read his blog on, and it made me a believer.

“It’s been a long, long time coming but I know change gon’ come. Oh yes it will.” Sam Cooke could not have said it better. There is a natural human tendency to abhor change. Yet during this period of change that we are going through, there is no sentiment of regret or disdain for change. Instead, change has been embraced and appreciated. There is a great feeling in the Ole Miss Rebel locker room; one of liberation and great anticipation of what is to come in the future."

[rebelog - the rest is just as impressive]

ab·hor (ăb-hôr')- To regard with horror or loathing; detest

WTF? This dude writes better than I do...and I can't block a linebacker for s**t. I don't usually count on my vocabulary word-o-the-day coming from a SEC football player either. Turns out, Jason "abhorred" the whole criminal justice/sociology trend among athletes (like Rick Razzano) and went and decided to major in English, with a minor in political science. not only is Jason Cook one of the best fullbacks in the SEC, but his prose would have Faulkner soiling his pantaloons (wrong era?).

All that to say, Big 10 Commisioner Jim Delaney, you can gag on some Jason Cook verbiage, bitch.

[HT: someonestolemyusernamedamnit]

Wednesday, April 23

Classy Bama Tee Shirt Central

It seems the "Got Recruits?" tee has opened up a veritable Pandora's box of high quality UAT apparel. I have to thank reader Jonathan for directing my attention to the "Roll Tide" cafepress store that promotes all things awesome and crimson. I'm fairly certain that these outstanding tee-shirt ideas are not the brain-child of a singular tider (one man's brain could never conceive of such greatness), but the pooled creativity and wit of an entire fanbase. (Yes, these are all REAL Bama tee-shirts, ready to ship for $20) Enjoy...

Uncle Rico shares your pride in this 27 year old accomplishment.

This classic even comes in a fun little tote bag. Not sure you can really say that "The Tide Turned" though. Doesn't the tide turning involve some sort of change, one way or the other? Does going from 6-6 with Shula to 6-6 with Saban constitute a change? Two straight Indy bowls? Maybe something more along the lines of "The Tide Stagnated"?

Ok, that's disturbing. And dumb. Does Meth give you bloody urine? You could wear this shirt, or...or you could just scribble "Registered Sex Offender" on your forehead.

I "fear the process" of dumbing down America's rednecks. Who's gonna tile my effin' bathroom? If I see anybody wearing this shirt they are going to be the recipient of a well deserved swift kick to the crotch in a valiant attempt to damage their evil reproductive organs. Fair warning.

Last, but not least...


Click here to read the totally relevant and inspirational Roll Tide Bible verse that's printed on the back...just above the hardy RTR!! which is appropriately written in the Lord's blood. (God's a Tider)

It's perfect. Except for the sleeves...gotta lose the sleeves.

[get yours today: 176 awesome, witty, classy tees to choose from]

Thursday, April 17

Bama Fan of the Week

The Ad Wizard that came up with this new "Got Recruits?" tee...


Apparently, I've got "the bamafever," because my skin is crawling, my head hurts and think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I don't even know where to start with this sad shit. Who are the assholes that think this up so their fellow sick, dumb assholes will shell out $20 that we all know should be going to delinquent child support payments?

Long Overdue Public Service Announcement: Decent Bama alumni and fans...We all know one or two of you. People with jobs, morals, direction, an ego that's not based on the merits of a long dead football coach and a foundationed home...this is why your fanbase gets made fun of. It's not you...I'm not attacking you. I'm attacking the redneckery, the ignorance, the tardedness (if you will) that causes every damn resident of this state to be perceived as an extra in My Name is Earl. They are why this state is bottom five in obesity, infant mortality, gross income, chromosomes...damn near every gosh damn measurable imaginalbe. It just so happens that 99% of these half-wit, chain smoking, hairy assed, child molesters root for your team. Do not take offense...enjoy it with us. (we laugh to keep from crying, friend)

Back to the shirt...This is a classic trait of the Bama fan. They don't have a damn thing "on the field" to brag about. But they do. They can't help themselves. It's part of their redneck entitlement of being born in "Alabama the Beautiful" during Bear Bryant's living years. They just know they're better than you. (They don't let just anybody drive a fork-lift, you sum-a-bitch)

Ok, so they're bragging...about recruiting. It's one thing to be excited about the future...but to attempt to tell your rival, who has knocked your dick in the dirt 6 years running..."Fear The Future"? That's impressive. Future smack is my favorite kind of smack. "What you gonna say when we beat that ass, huh?" "Hmmm...we'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it, Douchey Doucherton."

This type of back-talk runs rampant on the interwebs and message boards...mostly perpetrated by recent pubescents who are experimenting with ill-advised, and utterly pointless "nut-flexing." However, white trash of all ages is certainly not immune to this form of vicious smack.

Tee shirts that brag are bad enough...Tee shirts that brag about how many 17 and 18 year old boys that a coach of some team you "claim" can attract is a whole nother level of "dumb as hell." The really sad part...this BS probably makes money.

So, Bama alumi and fans, when you see your favorite "friend of the university" git'n-er-done on gameday in one of these turdulent tee-shirt, don't hang your head...just laugh along with the rest of us.

Better yet, take a picture and sent it in. Join the team. Email's on your right.

These gentlemen pre-ordered that ass

[HT: Makeitblue and Someonestolemyusernamedamnit]

Wednesday, April 16

More "Far East" than "Deep South"

...but impressive none the less. The more I watch Japanese TV, the more I realize why they are a world power. These people just don't give a sh*t. They certainly "ain't skeerd" as we say in this more civilized nation.

You think Jordan's foul line dunk was impressive? This little Asian dude dunks from like 25 feet out... and he doesn't even get a running start. Of course he does have a trampoline, but still...You'd break your face and pull a hammy getting on the damn thing.

At first, I was all, "No effin' way," but then, that little Asian did the unthinkable. I bet he cleans up with the gambling crowd...


Despite the dunk, my favorite Pacific Theater "sports" show still goes to Ninja Warrior. It falls under the category of "shows guys get to watch when their wife's in the shower or cleaning or otherwise not in the room."

Monday, April 14

Youtubery - LSU

LSU's returning talent...Almost as scary as their returning fans

Highlights can always be a bit misleading because they're...well, highlights. But this video featuring the Tiger's returning talent is pretty convincing. Everything seems to hinge on the thug-life, Ryan Perrilloux and his status with the team, but all the other pieces seem to be in place for more stupid carnage this fall. (look at Byrd leave Castille in the dyst)...

From The BCS Champs Trip to Washington...

President Bush poses with some random accountant?

Rumsfeld was no Demetrius Byrd

Miles is either not a fan of White House Architecture, or he's attempting to read

Drake Nevis contemplates what he will do to O-linemen next season

Sunday, April 13

Pure Class

Some unknown Bama player seen here seeking out Saban's wallet. An obvious parole violation

[LosersWithSocks via TuscaloosaNews]

Look at the bright side...That's two more open roster spots. I'm still lookin for a decent video.

Edited to add: another view...


[smcmasters via timesdaily]

Saturday, April 12

Saban Doesn't Even Break 80,000 at A-Day

"what's that kid doing on the field? New sport coat?"

Like I've been saying since Alana Colette's assault, Saban's stock would never be higher than it was before his first ball game. And if A-day attendance is any indication, I was right. An estimated 14,000 less than last year.

Two thousand and Saban is in the books and somewhere, Mike and Sheri Shula are smiling as they cash those ridiculous Bama buyout checks. ("I could've gone 6-6!")How could Saban's stock not be down after a .500 effort and a repeat performance at the Poulan Weedeater bowl? Even the most water-brained Bama fans have realized that he's just a man...and he's kind-of an asshole.

But much like Bill Clinton's "character issues" most seem content to overlook personal flaws if their fearless leader is getting the job done (read: winnin' chamyunships). Some coaches come in and win quickly (see: Urban Meyer, Les Miles and Bob Stoops), while others hide behind the "change the culture," or "restock the cupboard" bullshit, which roughly translates as "I'm not as good as you thought I was, but thank God for this oustanding contract."

This year, we'll find out which it's gonna be for Saban. His stock has never been much lower...well, save the nuclear holocaust of La-Monroe.


- Somebody get me the footage of Saban's numb-nuts nearly getting plowed cause his little ass just had to be on the field during the game. (Talk about a god complex) This from BamaOnline:

SABAN EVADES PRESSURE - Coach Nick Saban watched the A-Day scrimmage from behind the offense rather than the sideline (like every other effing coach), and was nearly knocked off his feet when a John Parker Wilson scramble put him directly in the line of pursuit of defensive end Brandon Fanney. The 265-pound junior pulled up just in time.

"I think that was John Parker's fault," Saban joked. "I think he was running a pick off of me. I will wear a black shirt next year so there's no contact on the coach, but the athleticism to get out of his way shows you that it's still there. I've still got it - quick enough feet not to get run over."
Just leave it to Saban to try and brag about his skillz after looking like a douche. Refs do it all the time and they never brag like Uncle Rico. "yep, still got it." I'm sure Terry could hardly contain herself, you little stud.

- Did they charge admission to the spring game this year? Bama fans (and some national media) love to talk abou the 92,000 last year, but everyone seems to forget that it was a free event. I'm sure if they were giving away free meth at the flea market on Bryant drive they'd most likely sell that stuff out too.

Friday, April 11

LSU Fan of the Week

This may not be the buckstached OSU fan tugging it in the public library...or the Michigan fan "starring" on To Catch a Predator...or even the Vol fan caught robbing a bank with toddler in tow, but it's definitely something...

notice gun in hand as he hops the counter to get that meth money!

MOBILE, Ala. -- The Mobile County Sheriff's Office is seeking information on the whereabouts of a man wanted for Robbery First Degree.

At approximately 3:00 a.m., last Thursday, an unknown subject entered the GMart Shell Station at 6960 Theodore Dawes Road, brandished a handgun and demanded money from the clerk. After the subject obtained an undetermined amount of cash, he fled the scene on foot towards Sperry Road.

The subject is described as a white male in his mid 30’s, approximately 6’1’’ weighing 180 pounds, and was last seen wearing khaki cargo shorts and a purple Louisiana State University sweatshirt.

[myfoxgulfcoast via wpman1 on rebelsports]
We've always known that LSU had the most "interesting" fanbase in the SEC, but I'd dare say that a certain segment of LSU fans are among the most horrendous athletic supporters on the planet.

Some LSU fans i've met are great (read: older, surviving LSU fans) however a ton of these young sidewalk types scare the ever living shit out of me! There's not a decent bone in their bodies. It's like they were born and raised literally on Bourbon street by ravenous wildebeests. Brought up on a steady diet of death metal, tatoo ink and methamphetamine. Like southern skinheaded vagabonds, these's zombies roam the streets of Louisana, seeking out innocent, unsuspecting flesh. You think I'm kidding? While I've never attended a game in Red Stick, for obvious reasons, every game I've attended that's involved LSU (whether it be a Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, Oxford or Auburn) I have nightmarish memories of these so called "fans." It's kinda ever seen 28 Weeks Later?

Just watch it...then you'll know what it's like when "infected" LSU people take over your town.

This guy asked some locals for directions to Tiger Stadium

The Kige Party

Kige's a straight shooter...especially when it comes to the ladies. With matters of the heart, Ramsey doesn't mince words or hold anything back. These days, "The Sly Fox" may not have too much time for a "personal life" with the success of his Youtube Sports Enterprises, but he's always quick to share his expertise with his desperate fanbase. Hence, Kige's "Youtube Relationships"...

Kige likes his "coffee" Black

Monday, April 7

Bama Fan of the Week

What is this uniformed Tuscaloosa police officer doing at Bama's spring practice?

  • Is the TPD beefing up patrols in high crime areas?
  • Is this the court appointed team parole officer?
  • Are they filming another remake of "The Longest Yard?"
Too bad they didn't get a picture of him in his vintage Bo Jackson jersey.

[edsbs via tidesports]

What Will The Media do Without Above-Average White Kids?

white is the new black

This is the worst possible national title matchup for the media. Watching the Memphis/UCLA game with my folks back in Memphis, it was painfully obvious who all involved in the broadcast wanted (read: hoped) to win.

What you and I might see as a titillating (heh heh) Kansas/Memphis game of speed-on-speed, well, the national media is lost looking for a prominent honky to fluff. ("honky" or "honkey"? somebody help a brother out)

No Tyler "Psycho T" Hansbourgh?!? No Kevin "Full Court 3" Love?!? WTF? Who will Dicky V filate? Who will Billy Packer fudge pack? Now, don't get me wrong, Kansas has more than their fair share of Caucasians, but none that I could pick out of a lineup at the Whole Foods.

Then their's Memphis. The team that the national media is embrasing with all the warmth of a disapproving mother-in-law. What is Memphis' latest problem? Coaching, foul shooting, crime, street ball...Even the NCAA committee hates Memphis and loves North Carolina. (guess which 1 seed got to play every game up to the final four in it's home state while the other 1 seed got to play an elite 8 game in the 2 seed's backyard).

Instead of a combined 15 national championships playing in the title game, we've got a combined 2 (Kansas 2, Memphis 0). And lets talk in stereotypes here... Let's say what the media would like to say. Kansas is a boring assed little state in the middle of the country with only 3 million boring assed people, while Memphis is a police state governed by Nazi-Taliban where the "residents" are as likely to stabrapeshootkill you as look at you.

So how do you sell this game if you're some ACC gargling ESPN/CBS douche? Somebody tell me, who's tonight's featured "smart," "old-school," "unselfish," "fundamentally sound" WASPy Jayhawk?

white people are overrated


Word out of San Antonio is Derrick Rose is having some stomach issues...

"He eats Gummy Bears and Starburst for breakfast, and Twizzlers and Honey Buns for dinner. That's why his stomach hurts," fellow guard Chris Douglas-Roberts said. "We tell Derrick the whole year, 'Stop eating so many Gummy Bears and Sour Straws.' But he can't. ... Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him."

Sunday afternoon, Rose walked into a scheduled group interview with all the starters and coach John Calipari, then went over to Calipari and whispered something to him. They went into the hall together, then Calipari returned alone.

"He said his stomach was bothering him," Calipari said. "I told him to go back and see the trainer."

That story leads me to this clip. I don't think Rose was so much pissed about the question as he was pissed that he just sharted his warm-ups. See, star athletes really are just like you and me...

Thursday, April 3

Work is the Curse of the Drinking Class

Can't blow your minds this week...must work on a few less interesting real life projects. However, here's a fun topic: What's your favorite local, Deep South beer and bar? If you don't drink... eff yourself, health freak.

My Favorite Deep South Beer...

It's just so good when it hits your lips! Sweetwater 420 out of the 770/404... I have neither the time nor the inclination to describe the aroma, the hoppiness or the head of this beer like all the fabulous beer knerds over at beeradvocate. I just know it's effin good.

My Favorite Deep South Bar...

Birmingham's own, The J. Clyde...A little taste of heaven [mosesxan - flickr]

I don't get out to "the club" all. I barely go out, except when some college friends come in town and what not. I'd much rather grill and drink in the comfort of my own or a friend's backyard. So, if I have to actually go out, I want it to be as close to that backyard experience as possible. That's why I love The J Clyde. It's like your backyard, but better. You don't have to clean up all those beer tops and cig butts the next day, plus it's just cool. Think: a beautiful, beneath the oaks back patio with subtle live music, the best beer selection in town, a friendly crowd and no damn cover charge. AKA, a heavenly Southern beer garden.

What do you like?


Click here if you're in Alabama or Mississippi and love beer [free the hops]