Blogging: My Evil Temptress

I've been meaning to do this for a while. Previous readers have inquired, "what has happened?"


some light background music while this post melts your face

As I browse through the frivolous, detached good times I've enjoyed at this URL since 2006, there are many things I will miss about blogging.

The creative outlet, the cordial back-and-forth amongst fans, the ivory tower from which to objectify coaches wives, embarrass young athletes and shed a penetrating light on the glut of chromosomally-challenged Tiders. Wow. That stuff was a veritable Jelly-o-the-Month-Club (the gift that keeps on giving, all the year round. AKA: comedic gold), but I digress.

I started this gig, a young buck of 25. I was recently unemployed and some might say rudderless. I was looking for an avenue; a reason to get up before 11am. Blogging was my full time job, and I pumped out one, maybe even two blog posts a day, mind you. We're not talking, "Here's a funny youtube clip of another drunk bama skank". We're talking in-depth opinions, actual thought and a lot a "Top Ten" lists. (always a crowd pleaser)

Then things took off. Finebaum took notice, Matt Stafford happened, Alana Collete Connell, Saban, BFOTW, etc. Business was good. Real good. I even earned a few psychotic, comment stalkers and over 1K hits per day.

Did I say good? Actually business was not good, because minor-league blogging doesn't pay.

Call me the "Crash Davis" of the Blog-o-sphere.

Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my blogging life. You know, in the show you never ask to come on Finebaum's show, somebody calls and asks you. It was great. You get linked on deadspin like every other day, your comment threads take on a life of their own, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.

Ok, those last two don't apply. Even so, it was time to move on. My life was changing and the blog suffered. But instead of putting DSS out of its misery, signing the DNR and getting on with life, I drug things out. Clinging to the good ole days, like some pseudo-journalistic Brett Favre type asshole.

To do this thing right, it has to be your calling, your lifestyle. Unfortunately, that lifestyle doesn't play nice with the non-internet world: A career, a wife, a kid, not being fat. Something had to give. It was fun while it lasted, but as you know, all good things...

So here we are, saying "good bye". Let's be honest. We've all seen this post coming. It's a mere formality now. Some call it "closure".

Don't think you've heard the last of me though. I'll be around. While you're here, visit the "Best of" DSS to your right and remember me fondly.


In closing: The original BFOTW Stud, looking not awkward

Phil Steele: Pre-Season God Of Obsure Stats

Steele brings the funky knowledge that Lindy's and Athlon can only fantasize about. What I love about Phil's mag, is that in this day and age of extreme CFB oversaturation, where we pretty much know 5 minutes after our favorite safety prospect blows a .114 in a stolen car while driving without a license, and the mugshot is subsequently hitting 112 different blogs within the hour...In days where we get constant videos and in-depth reports of every spring practice and at least two first-hand accounts detailing any situation where a 4-star recruit may or may not be scratching his balls.

"Could it be Crabs?! Does his baby's momma know??"

In days such as these, I love that Phil Steele actually manages to tell me stuff I don't know about my team. You know...The one I'm obsessed with. The one I already spend countless hours wasting productivity senselessly studying and dissecting meaningless BS. And he does that for all 119 fanbases out there. Plus the neanderthal followers of Ohio State.

You gotta respect that.

I was at Publix yesterday picking up some bacon, and I happened upon Steele's SEC Preview. (I tried to finagle a copy a couple months ago "as an SEC blogger/promoter" but Steele's email Nazis weren't buyin' it...something about actually updating the site???)

Anyways, In his "Best Case/Worst Case" stat he talks about close wins and close losses from 2008.

I find it interesting that last season, Ole Miss' best case scenario was 13-0 (because the Rebs never got beat by a large margin) and our worse case was 7-6 (because they only won two close games: Ark and Florida)

On the other hand, Alabama's best case is 12-2 (their actual record) because they had two big losses to close the season. Their worse case was was 9-5 as they had three close wins (Kentucky, LSU, OM).

What are the chances of Alabama achieving their best case scenario again? Usually the truth lies somewhere in between worst and best. These people calling for Alabama to go 12-0 again (#5 in the coaches? how so?) are effing crazy. In my mind, they're like Mississippi state in 2008: The year before, all the breaks went their way, and they made the Liberty bowl. Well, the next year, the ball didn't bounce their way near as often. (4-8)

Ole Miss won 2 of 6 close games last season. Lets say win conservative 4 of 6 (.667) this season. I'd be ok with a 10 win regular season.

Again, if you want real insights into college football, look no further. If you want to rely on a bunch of glorified PE Teachers who don't watch the games, don't do their homework and most of the time don't even do the effing voting, check out the new pre-season USA Today Poll.

LSU at #9 above Ole Miss, really??

Who Wouldn't Want to Spend 5 Years With Nick Saban?

When Saban doesn't get a recruit, he in no way acts (or looks) like a spoiled seven-year-old, deprived of his "woobie."

As few may know, yesterday was the first day of spring practice for the Ole Miss Rebels, which was open to the public. It just so happens that somehow Beast/Child 5-Star Hargrave recruit, Bobby Massie was in attendance, on the sidelines with the Rebel proletariat.


cameraphone-o-graphic evidence of the aforementioned beast (provided by crazed Rebel fan)

Naturally, Bobby was assaulted with fanboy questions. However, one question in particular yielded some interesting bits of tid:

He was asked to give a good Nick Saban recruiting story, and he had a pretty good one to say the least. Bobby said he called Coach Saban the night before signing day to let him know that he was going to sign with Ole Miss. Bobby did not even inform the Ole Miss staff that he was going to be a Rebel until the night before signing day, per Bobby, but he did say, "I had a pretty good idea where I was going in December."

Anyway, Bobby calls Nick and Coach Saban stops him before he tells where he is going and said this, "Bobby, do not even tell me where you are going, because if you are not going to Alabama I am turning you into the NCAA. You know you have a chance to start at Alabama at right tackle as a sophomore, and nobody would turn that down unless they did something illegal."

Bobby was stunned. He said he just listened to Coach Saban rant and never said another word about it. He was offended to say the least. That is why he made such a scene at the press conference when he threw the Alabama hat on the ground and put on an Ole Miss hat.

"A chance at starting Right Tackle as a Sophomore with the ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE"!!! Excuse me while I soil myself. How did Massie ever resist that tricky little leprechaun?

Damn it's a great time to be a college football fan in the South. Especially with Dr. Evil living and working just down I-20/59. Even though Nick closed out with one of the strongest signing days in the nation, apparently the world is not enough to satisfy the Prince of Darkness.

[Note: I've confirmed the validity of this "rumor" with the source, as it was told, by Bobby, to a dozen or so fans/media at the first spring practice.]

Update, March 3: According to Ian Rapaport, Bobby denies it...Kinda. He admits he's read the post, but he doesn't go into detail about what is true or false. He does admit talking to Saban the night before signing day (like it says above), and he does admit that he never told Saban he was going to Ole Miss (like it says above). He just says "my words got switched around," so take that for what it's worth.

Sounds to me like someone at Ole Miss asked Massie to kindly "shut up" and put this in the past. I'm thinking young Bobby just learned a valuable lesson in fan/media relations.

"How'd your big pro-day go, Andre?"

My first Lol-effort. You're welcome. A bigger (nightmare fuel) image, if you dare.

- The story
- the "i can has cheezburger" original

Instant Classics

[NC Tigah]



[sawfiddle]

The Single-Wide Wrangler

What am I missing here? Did The Cowboy always have this sweet assed mullet, or did he just recently acquire it in some kind of stereotype fulfillment program?



Well, another sidewalk Bama fan bites the dust. No more Tider talk? What, with the Basketball season's just heating up? Womens Gymnastics and the Bass Fishing team are coming off outstanding recruiting classes, I'm sure. Damn. What am I gonna do for cheap content? Kige's over here shitting the bed...Guess I might have to really try and write something. Thanks assholes.

Saban just got back from one of those Tacky Christmas Sweater parties

Note: You can blame AL.com video for the craptastic formatting eff ups...hope you had a merry Christmas



Yeah, I know Tiders.

"That sweeter cost more then yure life, barner!"

Even so, lil' Saban looks like my kid nephew at the candlelight Christmas Eve service.

Except my nephew wouldn't look so gosh damn nervous, and pissed all the damn time. Even after Nick's 12-1 season, he still looks as verbally constipated as ever in front of the assembled media...with hate in every shrug of his shoulders, smerk of his evil mouth and repeated utterance of "relative to."

How could you not love this guy? RTR.

By the way, this video was taken on the 28th, so maybe the yet to be disclosed Andre Smith decision was weighing heavily on Saban's alleged soul. Hey, but who gives an eff about that guy? "Andre the Giant" was one of Shula's no-talent recruits, right? On to bigger and better things.


Tider Porn - Happy New Year

Bama Sex Worker of the Week

Leslie R. Parker - making all your Mike Price/Mike Dubose fantasies come true

And no, Alana Colete Connell was not listed among the alleged SabaNation Street-Walker Society. Get your mind out of gutter, Barner...

Montgomery police arrested seven women and three men during a prostitution sting Wednesday.

The detail targeted prostitutes who conduct their operations using the Internet or telephone, police said.

Undercover officers were able to set up meetings with women at a hotel in the area.

The possibilities are pretty much endless here.

"Yes, Maam...What package? ... Oh, I'll start off with the SJPW 'Bama Bangs', with a side of 'The Snake' and...hmmm... does that include The Namath 'I wanna kiss you'?"


Link: Not a Julia Roberts in this bunch

[HT: Keith]

Ouch.

Wish I could do this on a wakeboard...



Saban nods his approval after Maze's "selfish" celebration penalty last week.

Fear and Loathing in Tuscaloosa

My short and sweet photo essay of gameday at the capstone. What an untapped cornicopia of Bama-Fan-of-the-Week awesomeness...




this guys fanhood is bigger than yours




I guess "RTRMFER" was already taken.




we had the pleasure of joining the proletariat in the upper deck




After a trip to Tuscaloosa, creating "smack shirts" is my new life goal. Apparently there's is a huge market for these things. They're like big, sweaty pseudo-offensive greeting cards, but without the wittiness and/or intentional comedy. Seems that one can say whatever dumb shit one wants, as long as it's bold and cap-locked, asshole. Why sit silently and be thought retarded when your tee shirt can remove all doubt?




(why am I suddenly hearing the opening cords of "Gimmie Three Steps" in my head?) Hell effing yes! Keep on rockin' in the free world, brother. (looks like Kid Rock's portly brother actually) Not only is he sporting the most kickass baseball cap known to man, but he's got the Tuscaloosa waterfall to match. Major credit.




The view from my seats...seriously, I didn't even have to move, just turnaround. (Last row, endzone, baby...that's how we roll) Ah Tutwiler, the girls dorm with so many endearing nicknames. "13 Floors of... Totally Not Promiscuous Young Ladies."




Nothing says crimson stud like a camo team hat, a custom lanyard, a never-scared beard, complete with a pony tail holder.




RTR indeed...would have given more credit if it said "2"




Bear would be so proud

Throughout this glorious Saturday, I realized a thing or two. Going to an Alabama game in Tuscaloosa is like having a party at your house and inviting your friends, plus every Stuckey's, Flying J, Waffle House and Hardee's employee between Bossier City and Valdosta. I'll leave you with this...



Nice tube socks [credit: Heath at AverageSouthernJoes] I love how these fine gentlemen say Ole Miss is the best team Bama's gonna face the rest of the season, then they call for a 24 point victory. "Nick Saban vs. God...who ya got?... Da Tahd."

[More Bama/Ole Miss Photo Coverage from Friends of the Program]

Leaving for Tuscaloosabad in the Morning

click to enlarge [rebelsports.net]

This should be interesting. First non-wakeboarding trip to "The Capstone" (whatever the hell that means) since maybe 2005? Bring on the freaks.


we should all be so lucky

Red Tide Diaries

Not Spencer Pennington...Not sober?

True tales of Tider encounters, from real readers. Names have been changed to protect the innocent...

"I was at [a long standing, Mountain Brook Barber shop] getting my hair cut this morning and listened in on some Tiders discussing the big game this weekend. Oddly enough 3 of the four were very realistic about the game this weekend. They do believe we have a shot at beating UGA, and even agreed with me it was small and this is the first real test we've had this season. The team is healthy and ready to roll...However, the one fan lived up to the Tider Nation true. She is the the mullet sporting, fried hair from the curling iron, tat on the upper arm barber. Thankfully she didn't cut my hair, but did torture me with her obvious lack of college, nay high school education. It was a painful reminder of the typical Tider fan and that many do believe we will win the NC this year. Though I didn't hear claims of a NC from the Tide out of this individual, I did hear that Spencer Pennington was going to bring the Tide a victory over the UGAly bulldogs this weekend. Yes, I just said Spencer Pennington...the roar of laughter in the barber shop shook the bowels of Mountain Brook. Thankfully I was done getting my cancer patient haircut and got out before she was fired...I'm sure.

She might be a METH addict."

- Dirty D.

Just goes to show you...living in the past not only makes you look like a silly asshole, but it can also cost you your job. The Lesson: It is better to merely cut hair and be thought a troubled, drug addicted Tider, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Thanks for sharing, Dirt.

If anyone else has a recent, even mildly entertaining true life encounter with a SEC fan, do not hesitate to send it in. Seriously...I could use the help.

Mindless Morning Youtubery

Nothing says college football in The Deep South like tailgating with loved ones, children innocently tossing the pigskin in the quad, and some fat, shrieking whore, rhythmically convulsing right outside your tent.





[with leather]

Return of Fark Friday?

Now, that's just effing rude. As well as terribly, terribly accurate. Credit goes to comedic genius(es) Gump4Heisman [HT: nafoom] Click here to see all 15 alternate (uncencored) covers.

Bama's Back...Again...No Seriously, Asshole

[ht: Daniel]

If magazine covers added up to national championships, consider this "13." Apparently the editor over at SI was the recipient of a Bear Bryant organ back in '83. Jeebus.

Everybody loves an underdog (unless said underdog is wearing a houndstooth baseball cap) ...I call it "The Gump Effect."

[last year's fellatio]
[The time Bama was almost back]

Bama Fan of the Week - Ob-la-de, Ob-la-da!

Joey Barrett Jr.




Remember this stud?

On November 18th, 2005, the night before the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama, Joey Barrett, Jr., a lifelong Alabama fan and now 25, went to a fraternity party at Auburn and yelled “Roll Tide!” A brawl then broke out, with Barrett stabbing one of the fraternity brothers.

The brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. Two others who were lucky enough not to get stabbed were also hospitalized.

Yeah, well somehow, almost three years later, Joey's still making his UAT brethren proud. As The Sporting Blog and al.com reported, not only is Joeseph a stabby, mixed marshal arts douchebag...He also bribes retarded people. [letting that thoroughly sink in] Quite the resume builder...

The defense attorney in the 2006 trial told jurors that Louie Holtz, now 40, of Mobile, would admit to get ting caught up in the fight and testify that it was he, not Barrett, who stabbed the fraternity brothers. The judge in the case, however, ordered Holtz to secure counsel, noting that Holtz had previously been declared mentally retarded.

Holtz's attorneys subsequently advised him not to testify.

Because the jurors had already heard that someone else was going to admit to the stabbings, however, the judge declared a mistrial. Abbett said investigation into the case continued after the trial, eventually revealing that Barrett had offered Holtz a car in exchange for taking the heat on the assault charges.

OK, this wasn't just incredibly, dreadfully god-awful, but it seems pretty feeble-minded to me. Can retarded folk even drive? It's kinda like trying to bribe me with free birth control pills or a Boeing 747. Not so fast, Tider!

Wonder what Corky thinks about this mess...



In related news, how amazing is it that the special dude's name is Lou Holtz?

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't "Back" In 2008

This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:


1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.

2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?

3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")

4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.

5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?

6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.

7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...

8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)

9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!

10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?

Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

Bama Fan of the Week - Twofer

EDSBS and The Sporting Blog's Spencer Hall is doing his thing at SEC Media Days. Here, Spence encounters one of the many Tiders that make the yellowhammer state so damn special.



399 effing dollars?!? I wonder what the Mike Shula prints are going for in the discount bin at Bammer Fever?

Oh, and just because I'm gonna be out of town starting tomorrow, I'm feeling generous...Keep the Bama party going with this stud...




Huh. didn't know Bama had Canadian fans. What's more kick ass? Custom jorts or a custom jean jacket?

More Bama/Jimmy Johns Hazing

"Wait just a gosh darn minute. Tha Snake is innocent til proven guilty, you sumabitch...That black boy can go ta hell for all I care...he's guilty as sin, plus Saban says we don't need him no-way." [HT: Byrd]



If only tha bahr was approvingly lookin' down from Golden Flake heaven
[HT: Trey]



[HT: Gordo]


RTR Indeed [HT: Gordo]

Sweet Ass Bama Gear

Jimmy John's garage? Heard whores will do almost anything for blow. This looks like the cover of Tider Rides & Skanks Illustrated [HT: Blake]





Tiders are typically marketing geniuses. Talk about living in the past...The fine print should read: "Paint Chips Are A Tasty Treat" What is Shawn Alexander even doing these days since he got dropped by the Seahawks? Probably somewhere being an annoying, self-important, unemployed douche. Knowshon, I'd take this shirt as a complement. Can't wait for the groundbreaking "Matthew Stafford is no Tyler Watts" Tee. [HT: Duff] [noshawn.com]





Nick tap-dancing Saban! That's a sweet ass purse. RTR!!!!!1