The Casting Call

In a return to attempted original humor, I present you with "The Casting Call." This would be ESPN Original Entertainment's Thesbianic Dream Team for a yet to be conceived film about the evil underbelly of SEC Football.

In other words, this is my educated guess as to what actor would best portray your favorite SEC Coaches.



SEC WEST



Ben Stiller as Mike Shula (Alabama)



Both men have legendary fathers to whom they owe their careers, and they are often found riding the coat tails of their supporting cast. Both men have extremely hot wives, which must be their proudest achievement.

Most Importantly, both are masters of being awkward, confused and out of place. If Stiller can replicate that thousand yard stare, while cradling his head in hand, this performance might just have Emmy written all over it! Another interesting tidbit - they're both yankees by birth. A match made in heaven!



Leonard Nimoy (Spock) as Tommy Tuberville (Auburn)



Call me crazy, but I could have sworn I've heard folks refer to Tubby as "Spock." I don't really get the jest of it, but hey...Who am I to mess with tradition? I think it's because both men have strong, no-nonsense personalities, and they show zero emotion in the face of adversity. That, and the Huge F'n Ears.



Tom Arnold as Houston Nutt (Arkansas)



Other than the drugs, drinking and and a history of marrying wealthy, obnoxious, tone-deaf, fat chicks, these guys are one and the same. Well, at least I think they're kin folk. Legend has it that Tom was the fifth Nutt brother growing up in Arkansas. Unfortunately, little Tommy enjoyed a passion for comedic theater instead of sports, so mommy and daddy Nutt kicked his homo-ass to the curb.

Both men have taken on regular gigs for several years, but like so many men of their makeup, the tendency to do something stupid or self-destructive always places their head squarely on the chopping block.

If Arnold can jump around on the sidelines like a wild, crack-addicted primate, he'll be golden... Somehow, I think Tom is up to the challenge.



Billy Bob Thorton (of Sling Blade) as Les Miles (LSU)



What is it that makes Billy Bob's Sling Blade character pair so well with a mouth-breather like Coach Miles? I'm not sure if it's Leslie's unique physical characteristics, complete with truckstop LSU hat, or his vast mental deficiencies; exemplified by such acts as a late game timeout attempt after a very obvious change of possession (see College Football Rules 101).

Screen Test:

Random Assistant - "Coach Miles, what the hell are you doing? Look at me! What do we do? Go for two and the win or one and the tie?!? Say something Dammit!!"

Miles - "Mmmmm Hmmmm...I sure do like them French fried potaters."

Random Assistant (with arms raised to the sky) - "Damn you Bertman! Damn you!!!"



Tracy Morgan (Uncle Jemima) as Sly Croom (MSU)



Nothing says Deep South like a former Bear Bryant Footballer and Mash Liquor. Other than their startling physical similarities, Tracy Morgan has mastered the deep southern accent that Croom so prominently displays. Check out Morgan's screen test here:





James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) as
Ed Orgeron (Ole Miss)



Drugs, violence, harsh language, and beautiful, scantily clad women.

Am I talking about an HBO Original Series or a Saturday in Oxford? To be fair, some of the aforementioned vices might be a thing of the past for The Orgeron. Even so, his reputation precedes him. Like a made man, Coach O has a legendary image. Though most of the malicious claims would never hold up in court, Orgeron's every move is subject to the watchful eye of his growing horde of enemies. I would be surprised if the NCAA is not already working to infiltrate Don Orgeron's inner circle.

As Gandolfini wraps the final season of The Sopranos, this would be the obvious next move. I just hope he doesn't worry too much about type casting.


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