Holy Crap (the remix)

If you haven't seen the original, uncut version of this assault on intelligence, well check here. All I can say is "WTF?" Throughout the Rodger Clemens hearings, the Free The Hops effort here in Alabama and crap like this, it's a wonder our government can manage to wipe its collective ass.

U.S. (really?!?) Congresswoman Corrine Brown

Corrine's Wiki

How To Beat Florida

by Houston Nutt

Son of a bee-sting. I can't get enough of those highlights. Yep, some of the best plays of the season that Holly, over at EDSBS, strangely left out of her 2008 highlight video?

[HT: SSMUND]

Dan Hawkins Was Wrong: The Big XII is Intramurals, Brother

TheWiz asked for me for my "official" prediction of the big game (I'm feeling generous):

Florida 45
Oklahoma 27 (including garbage TD)

Florida is gonna play its game and score at will against the # 58 ranked scoring defense. We've all seen what the Big XII South is really comprised of...





[TheWizOfOdds Composite Prediction Post]

Ole Miss Makes The Cover?

First Ole Miss-centric cover since Archie in 1970 (click to enlarge)


Well, that supposed curse hasn't seemed to effect Bama one tiny bit (quite possibly it's done the opposite). Damn the curse! I'm enjoying this sumabitch. Can't wait to see how the Chicago Cubs of the SEC can handle it this weekend against Spurrier's cocks.

First the Debate, then The Swamp, now this? Surely hell is freezing over (see: The Economy) Enjoy this sneak peak at SI's Ole Miss cover story (words I honestly never thought I'd hear in succession)...

Block Party

Ole Miss's stunning win over Florida was just one of seven upsets involving Top 25 teams in a chaotic week that also saw the emergence of Alabama as a contender for the national championship

By Albert Chen

It was a sultry Saturday evening in the heart of Mississippi , and Houston Nutt, still sticky from the Gatorade bath he had received in the waning seconds of his team's 31–30 win over No. 4 Florida, stepped out of an airplane at Tupelo Regional Airport and into the night. The first-year Mississippi coach looked up, and on the other side of a nearby fence was a cheering throng of 500 rhapsodic Rebels fans. Then Nutt looked at his players. "They were just standing there," says Nutt, whose team, a three-touchdown underdog to the Gators, returned from Gainesville having toppled a top five team for the first time in three decades. "I had to tell them, 'Guess what? They're here for you. It's O.K. to go over there and say hello.' Apparently they're not used to this kind of attention. They looked like they were in a daze."

The college football universe was in much the same state. The Stunner in the Swamp turned out to be the biggest upset last Saturday, but the madness didn't end there. After greeting another 400 fans at the Rebels' practice facility when he and his team arrived on campus later that night, Nutt finally returned home to his 150-acre ranch outside of Oxford around eight o'clock and flipped on the living room television to watch No. 8 Alabama against No. 3 Georgia. He nearly fell out of his chair when he saw the score: Alabama 31, Georgia 0. At halftime. "It was a pretty wild day in college football, huh?" Nutt said on Sunday.

You think? During a 48-hour period that started last Thursday night, nine ranked teams lost, six to unranked squads. Three of the country's top four schools went down, including No. 1 USC (page 35) from the Pac-10. The top-ranked teams from three other BCS conferences—the SEC (Georgia), the Big Ten ( Wisconsin ) and the ACC ( Wake Forest )—also fell. While there has been no paradigm-shifting upset on the scale of Appalachian State over Michigan , this season is proving to be just as unpredictable as 2007 was. "What we've seen in the first month of the season isn't an aberration," says BYU coach Bronco Mendenhall, whose Cougars moved up three spots to No. 8 in the AP poll—on a bye week. "What we're seeing is a leveling of the field."

The result is a volatile environment in which a school can go from being a borderline Top 25 team to the second-ranked program in the nation in five weeks—as Alabama , ranked No. 24 in the preseason, has done in coach Nick Saban's second year. Following his team's win in Athens , where the Crimson Tide steamrollered No. 3 Georgia 41–30, Alabama (5–0) suddenly looks like a national title contender. That Saban's crew pulled off the road win wasn't as surprising as how easily the Crimson Tide dismantled the Bulldogs. With quarterback John Parker Wilson (10 of 11 passes for 139 yards and a touchdown in the first half) operating behind an overpowering line, Alabama, which has yet to trail in a game and has outscored opponents 74–0 in the opening quarter, scored on each of its first five possessions. By halftime the Tide had turned the much-ballyhooed rumble between SEC rivals into a funeral for the nation's preseason No. 1 and its fans. At least the Dawgs dressed for the occasion. Georgia broke out its rarely worn black jerseys, and the Bulldogs faithful donned black as well.

In the Crimson Tide locker room, moments after the biggest win in his 18-game tenure in Tuscaloosa , Saban began his postgame address with a saliva-spewing rant about all the things his players did wrong in a sloppy second half. (Though Alabama was outscored 30–10 after intermission, a Crimson Tide victory was never in doubt.) After making it through his checklist, the 56-year-old grump paused, then smiled. The room exploded in giddy laughter.

There wasn't a bigger winner on Saturday than the embattled Ole Miss football program, which came into the game with nine consecutive SEC defeats. This fall the scrutiny of the Rebels has been intense, and not just because of the new $6 million, 4,032-square-foot high-definition scoreboard (touted as having the largest HD display in the SEC) that now towers over the north end zone at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium. Even though the Rebels had floundered through four straight losing seasons, including a 3–9 mark last year, and even though their sophomore quarterback, Jevan Snead, had thrown only 49 college passes before the '08 season, expectations were high for a once proud school reenergized by the hiring of Nutt last November. "The moment it hit me how passionate the fans are here was the day I held my first press conference," says the 50-year-old Nutt, who, despite a 75–48 record at Arkansas , resigned last year after 10 tumultuous seasons in Fayetteville . "I was expecting to speak to a few reporters in a room with five cameras. But I find myself walking into the Ford Center , where there are 1,500 people packed in, and I later find out that 500 to 600 people were turned away at the door and waiting outside. I had goose bumps."

The Rebels headed to Gainesville with a 2–2 record—their pair of losses (at No. 20 Wake Forest on Sept. 6 and to Vanderbilt on Sept. 20) by a combined eight points. Snead could not have looked worse in the Vanderbilt defeat, tossing four interceptions as Ole Miss lost 23–17. In more ways than one the game against Florida presented an opportunity for redemption for the quarterback. When he stepped onto the field at high noon, he stood in a place where he once thought he'd become a star. In 2005 he had committed to Florida out of Stephenville (Texas) High, but then he found out that the Gators were heavily recruiting another high school All-America—a gunslinger from Jacksonville named Tim Tebow. Snead backed out of his commitment and signed with Texas . But redshirt freshman Colt McCoy beat him out for the starting job in 2006, so at the end of that season Snead transferred to Mississippi .

Now here was Snead, facing Tebow in front of 90,106 fans—and it was the unheralded interloper who was the poised playmaker and the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner who appeared flustered. His team down 17–10 in the third quarter and facing a third-and-10 deep in Florida territory, Snead dumped a screen pass to running back Cordera Eason that went for an 18-yard touchdown. Then, with 5:26 left and the game tied at 24, Snead connected with a wide-open Shay Hodge on an 86-yard pass play that gave the Rebels the lead for good. "The corner fell off, and I knew I was going to be open, but I didn't expect the safety to miss it that bad," says Hodge. "I didn't think I was going to take it all the way."

Tebow, meanwhile, continued his disappointing encore to his Heisman season with another uneven performance. The junior quarterback fumbled once (the third-quarter turnover led to Eason's touchdown), missed open receivers and often held on to the ball too long as a ferocious Rebels pass rush sacked him three times. He did respond with a six-play, 68-yard touchdown drive that pulled the Gators to 31–30 with 3:28 left, but the Rebels' Kentrell Lockett broke through the line to block the extra point. Then, on fourth-and-one at the Ole Miss 32 with 41 seconds left, Tebow was stopped for no gain as he tried to run off right tackle out of the shotgun. "You have never seen any player in the entire country play as hard as I will play the rest of this season," an emotional Tebow said after the game. "And you'll never see someone push the rest of the team as hard as I will push everybody the rest of this season."

Though they tumbled to No. 12 in the rankings, the Gators are hardly out of the national title picture in what is shaping up as another crazy season. But Florida fans can't like the team's chances to run the table (three games against top 20 teams remain on the schedule) with coach Urban Meyer's offense looking as out of sync as it did against the Rebels. Though Percy Harvin, a wideout who occasionally lines up in the backfield, rushed for 82 yards, the Gators still aren't getting any production out of their running backs. And Tebow was limited to seven yards on 15 carries.

Meanwhile, Ole Miss looks poised to take off. Less than 24 hours after his Gatorade bath, the coach of the resurgent Rebels was back in his office, meeting with his assistants to prep for this Saturday's game against South Carolina . Nutt's team showed last Saturday that it's good enough to make noise in the SEC West. An intradivision showdown with Alabama looms on Oct. 18, but the coach wasn't looking ahead. "One week at a time," Nutt said. "If we've learned anything about college football this weekend, it's that, week to week, all you can hope to do is survive."±

[Thanks to Karen at SI for the heads up]

Ole Miss Pwns Gators

Fast Facts
• The Rebels had lost 14 straight SEC road games entering Saturday as well as nine straight SEC games overall.
• The Gators lost three fumbles after not losing one in their first three games.
• The Gators are now 0-5 when trailing at any point in the second half with Tim Tebow as the quarterback.
• Three of the last six times Florida has lost to an unranked team it has been to the Rebels.
-- ESPN research

Ole Miss has won three of its last four vs. Florida, including the last two matchups between the teams at the Swamp.
UF Regular-Season Losses toUnranked Opponents Since '02:

2008 Ole Miss
2007 Auburn
2005 South Carolina
2004 Mississippi St.
2003 Ole Miss
2002 Ole Miss

Jean Shorts and Football....That's what Florida Does

Not to mention circumcision talk, and some ghey new cornhole/horse shoes type game with ropes and balls. SI tour guy starts off slow, but ends up humorous...

Mindless Morning Youtubery

Tebow vs. Berry

Eric Berry might have won this battle, but I'd like to see Eric circumcise young native boys. (Plus, Tebow did win the game quite handily) Oh yeah, and Tebow earns a "99" on NCAA Football (to Berry's "94").



[rockytoptalk]

Bama Fan of the Week

Sponsored by The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue

I ask you, who needs toned, universally attractive painted supermodels when you've got this Bama Skank?


If you're not blind yet, notice the beautiful houndstooth hat adorning this young ladies shoulder, adding the perfect touch of Tider class to this already mind-numbingly embarrassing image

This Bama fan's awesome display of disregard for basic human decency can only be categorized as "Damn, I hope that's not fake cause it is 10 shades of sad."

[HT: Darren]

While the above picture passes the eyeball test as real (as in, an undoctored photograph), these below pics fall under a somewhat different category. Something like "Fark of the Week." However, they are no less amusing.


I Could See This...




Nobody's This Lucky...




Te-Hos Come In All Shapes and Sizes



[from LWS]

A Classic: Somebody Cropped this Pornstar in where Tony Joiner Used to Be




I Call this Screen-Cap From Bama Online "Priorities" (wait this one's real)


click to enlarge/see the whole thing

Tebow a Crocs Man

Damn, I can't really say anything because I own a pair (for strict "around the house" use). I love those bastards, and I don't care if they're ugly. If you had an ugly kid who turned out to be super nice, wouldn't you at least be seen with him around the house or occasionally in the yard? You're damn right, asshole. Who are you to judge?

Youtubes and A Little Extra

Hope you had a great turkey day (other than the pathetically lopsided displays of football). Here's a few left-over tidbits from the last few days...

To cleanse your palate of all that nasty tryptophan and get you ready for today's pathetically lopsided displays of college football, how bout a little interpretive dance (complete with an interpretive, incognito computer chair)...



Now here's a great little video I found linked on Georgiasportsblog that chronicles everything we love about the Florida Gators over the last few years (I really have no issue with the Gatas -other than Joakim-, even so, this is quite humorous)...


"You even suck in class...can't listen to John Kerry without tasers on your ass"

Sad News:

For some ungodly reason, this blog has always received a ton of google hits based on the search terms "Jay Barker Divorce" (Not that I've ever written about his alleged disunion). Jay Barker of course being the former mythical national championship winning Tide QB and current WJOX morning show host. What makes these rumors even more sad and surprising is Jay's status as practicing Super Christian.

I finally did a little research to see what all the hubbub was about...Apparently, when there's smoke their fire (the fire being nothing but unsubstantiated internet rumor of course).

According the the al.com messageboards, people who care about "new country" are saying that Jay is in fact divorced (who is at fault is still unknown) and was seen on the red carpet at the CMAs with recent divorcee Sarah Evans. Yeah, that Sara Evans.

Nice save, Jay. Way to stick it to your Ex and out-punt your coverage. Romo who?

Best Gata Ever?

Ask and ye shall receive. Thanks to MH (another cocktail party attending UGA fan) we are introduced to this veritable "Ripley's Believe It or Not" Gator who was allegedly tailgating nearby. No, to our limited knowledge, this Floridian does not have a third nipple, eleven fingers or elephantitis of the scotestical region...Quite the contrary. He's apparently just your average Joe, committed to being the best Gator stereotype he can be.

Because as I'm sure this fine specimin would tell you, "If you gonna do some sh*t, do it ALL THA WAY, brah."



As reader MH was quick to point out, this Gata really brings his "A Game":

"Mullet (bonus points for shaved sides of head)
Gold teeth
Gold chain
Camo hat
Jersey
Jean shorts
Copious tattoos
Unlaced patent leather Nikes with no socks

GO DAWGS!"

Wow. There's a Friskies joke here somewhere. If you can top the above image (or even if you can't), please spread the love.

Gator Fans of The Week?

Just in time for Halloween, reader FBZ in Savannah (UGA fan) adds insult to Florida injury with these loathsome, and deeply disturbing gator gameday pics. I have to give the Gates credit though. These handy-tards are on par with anything Bama, LSU or Tennessee has to offer. Well played.




I'm speechless. Wait, no...no I'm not. This "Uncle Rico" embodies every stereotype in the white-trash playbook. From his ripped stone-washed jeans (possible jortage??) to his strawberry-blond, grown-man mullet. From his red neck to his gold chain. From his unfounded cockiness to his unfortunate facial hair. If in the above picture he's not yelling "WOOOOOOOOO!!! GATORS RULE YOUR ASS, MOTHER EFFERS!" then something is terribly, terribly wrong.




This must be the Cooper Manning of the Tebow family. Gotta love the reactions. Even the lady on the jumbtron is disgusted. Notice our previously featured "Mulletude Man of the Year" in the bottom left corner who appears to be lecturing Tons-of-Fun on classy fan behavior.




"The Thinker?"...More Like "The Stinker." Is this Gator serious? Is that a Halloween costume/wig? I was under the assumption that the infamous "Rat-tail" had gone the way of "The Shula" in the lower 48. I stand disgusted.




And Finally, because FBZ was kind enough to submit these pics, we have posted a little something for the Bulldog spank bank. Enjoy yo-self, and send more pics.

Erik's SEC Power Poll Ballot

1) LSU - Not even the chosen one could stop them! No, these Orcs are born of earth and fire and they feed mercilessly on the sorrows of Southern Cal. Resistance is futile.

2) Florida - Still a complete team...Maybe they just needed a good cry. Do Tebow's tears still cure cancer after two consecutive losses?

3) Auburn - The other Tigers have found their offense. Don't care who you're playing, if you go into half up 28-0, you're doing things the right way.

4) South Carolina - Cocks have the second best record in my top four, but they haven't beat any of the above teams, and they certainly didn't play as well as Florida did down in Red Stick.

5) Kentucky - Woodson looked not good vs. USC last Thursday. Me thinks it was the rain. Even so, the Wildcats dropped a messy deuce for all the college football world to see. It's gonna stink for a few weeks. (ask: Auburn)

6) Tennessee - Where the hell did this come from? The Vols pulled some defense out of their asses and went into the break up 28-0? Could Coach "Does less with more" be turning a corner?

7) Arkansas - 0-2 in the SEC. Lots of Hawgs fans wanna Get Rid of dat, dat...dat Nutt. They're even making signs.

8) Georgia - Why does Georgia always seem to underachieve? Maybe they've got better years ahead with Stafford, but they just always seem to lose a game they shouldn't. Just can't seem to put all the pieces together and play like the top 5 team that their talent suggests. Could it be coaching?!? [/blasphemy]

9) Alabama - Didn't get to watch this Homecoming game with Houston, but from what I've heard, If you put another minute on the clock, Houston spoils the post game trip to the Bear Bryant Museum.

10) Mississippi State - 4 wins. If you stopped the season today, this is already MSU's most successful campaign since Y2K. To bad their's no more cupcakes to snack on. Bulldogs play three straight ranked teams starting this weekend with the newly impressive, but still fairly suspect Vols.

11) Vanderbilt - Got spanked by Auburn. It's looking like another 4 win season in Nashville. Let's face it...If you can't get to the promise land (Shreveport) with Jay Cutler, well...Chris Nickson is certainly no Tee Martin.

12) Ole Miss - The Rebs will remain in this prestigious spot until Orgeron defeats someone with a pulse. By pulse, I mean a team who's sniffed a bowl game in the last decade. The Rebs shutout the Mighty Louisianna Tech Bulldogs...24-0, but it was most likely the ugliest 20 point shutout on record. Rebs threw three picks and La Tech won pretty much ever statistical catagory, other than score of course.


HT: edsbs

Quote of the Weekend

Great stuff from Losers With Socks...

"The shortest verse in the Florida Playbook:
Tebow Wept."

- Jai Eugene, LWS

They also feature a few great screen caps from the game...


Tebow taunting and dialing up another loss - WWJD, Tebow?


Now we know why Tebow Wept...It was shim


Don't want to hear about the officials handing LSU the game

Sack-Up Saturday

"Hey Matty, guess what? The Trojans lost to Stanford, you got benched and WE'RE PREGNANT!"

Stanford Is Good

No wonder these 40 point Dogs beat the Preseason National Champion USC Trojans. Look at these scintillating Stanford stats (out of 119)...

Total Offense : 62
Scoring Offense : 87
Rushing Defense : 94
Pass Efficiency Defense: 116
Total Defense: 102
Scoring Defense: 102
Punt Returns : 92
Turnover Margin: 84
Pass Defense : 94
Passing Efficiency: 77
Sacks Allowed: 112

Wow, USC went and lost to a program that claims a damn tree mascot, and Stanford seems to care for football just slightly more than I care for blunt testicular trauma. It's not even a cool tree like a Sycamore or a Sequoia, it's just "tree." What a bunch of french fried homos. Way to ruin a USC vs. LSU national championship beatdown. (Amazing Box! 4 Picks for John Parker Wilson David Booty)

Speaking of LSU, Nice effin' game! One of the best I've seen. Everyone here needs to personally thank this 12th-year-senior LSU guy for suiting up and saving the SEC's hopes at a national title and making Tim Tebow cry his own tears of non-joy...


Jacob Hester - a middle aged man among boys

Craziness...Did you know that South Florida didn't even field a team back when Vanilla Ice was rollin' down A1A..."BEACHFRONT AVENUE," now they're gonna be top 5. College football is so fubariffic.


"Toss my Top 5 Salad, Saban!"

Laugh at This Florida Fan's Pain

Some seemingly 12-year-old, potty mouthed Gator fan was none-to-happy with the outcome of Saturday's game. At least he's still supports his team though. He just wants Urban fired, and I think he called Tebow a "fag" or something. Either way, he's gonna make some lady Gator a fine husband one day... "WHAT DO YA MEAN YOUR EFFING PREGNANT!?! YOU STUPID G.D. COW!!! ICE THE EFFING KICKER!!!" (NSFW):

How'd You Enjoy Scrote-Bag Saturday?

I don't think you could call this weekend "Separation Saturday," or "Survival Saturday" or any of the other homo erotic hype phrases that ESPN so liberally applies. No, I think the most appropriate term is "Scrote-Bag Saturday." "The day when your favorite ranked team stank of old balls."

I was gonna try and talk about all the upsets in the Top 25, then I just went off on the Auburn game.

Oklahoma lost to Colorado? Do they even play DIVISION I FOOTBALL up there in Boulder? I thought they were too busy up there smokin' dubes and playin' intermurals, brother. (game winning kick)

Screw it...Let's talk Auburn/Florida



The game everyone in these parts is talking about took place in Gainesville. How bout Auburn owning Florida? What is it about the Auburn Tigers? Georgia can't beat Florida...Tennessee gets owned by Florida...Ohio State lost it's manhood to Florida...but Auburn goes from Sly Croom's bitch (the lowest of lows), to beating the defending national champion Florida Gators in two weeks? Maybe Tuberville's got the Voodoo.

Tebow looked downright human in this game (19 carries for 3.8 per?). Brandon Cox may have been sacked 4 times, but he didn't throw a pick. He didn't throw a touchdown either, but he didn't throw a pick. That's the story of the game. Brandon Cox didn't beat Auburn for once this year. Good for you, sir. A couple issues with the game...

Had Auburn come up on the short end of the score, the play of the game would have been the non-existent Halo rule violation. WTF? If you watched Ole Miss v. Florida last week you know, the refs have been commissioned by the SEC offices, Mike Slive or maybe even Satan to do everything within their power to keep BCS teams undefeated. For those of you that don't know, THERE IS NO HALO RULE in College football (not even in the pros anymore) and as long as you allow the punt returner to catch the ball (aka don't touch him or getting in his way) you're cool. You know how I know Auburn was cool...The asshole caught the ball! Just fine. I'm proud of Tuberville for getting pissed as hell. It was complete commie horseshit, and those cock-gobbling refs deserve to be lined up and golden-showered in the face on the fifty yardline of Jordan-Hare.



I don't care if it cost Auburn the game or not...It sure as hell could have, and therefore they should be punished. It was also a perfect example of why penalties should be reviewable in the booth.

Next issue that sparked some controversy was Herban's evil timeout usage as Auburn's legendary, true-freshman placekicker, Wes Byrum stroked the game winner. I've had a few folks complain about this. Yeah...icing the kicker (even extreme icage like this) is asshole, but don't act like Tommy T. wouldn't have done it. Tommy's pretty evil himself.

It may be sinister, but it's within every coaches right, and I think you'd be dumb not to try it in that situation.

All in all, this game was a perfect example of why we love college football. So many story lines. So much passion.

For UF it was the invincible, super-human Florida quarterback. The win streaks and championships. The evil genius of Herban and 90,000 in the Swamp at night on ESPN. Then on the Auburn side, there was the quarterback controversy, the Boos, the losses, the lack of confidence and ultimately, the doubt...The doubt that things were moving in the right direction down on the plains...The creeping doubt about Tuberville...The doubt that Auburn could even beat Alabama.

Now there's a starting, senior Quarterback who knows he can win and (and win big) with this team, a hero of a true-freshman kicker (from Florida, mind you) and a team, nay a fanbase with a some real confidence.

A little something to beat back the that over-zealous Bama Fan with. Tuberville's 9 of 10 against the Top Ten. How bout them apples, Saban? This will be the first week of the Season in which Auburn Football is the story in this town...at least for doing something positive.

No, I don't think you'll see a Sports Illustrated covers proclaiming "Auburn's Back" or anything like that. Auburn Fans have been here before. 9 out of the last 10. Save that kind of meaningless, collector's edition propaganda for lesser fans.

Even so, something tells me it was a little easier for Auburn folks to get out of bed this Monday morning.


Toomer's is a mess, and all is right in the world

Scrumptious SEC Stats

If you're one of them haters and don't really understand what the big deal is about LSU and Florida, check out a few of these numbers from SECSports.com...

LSU:

In Scoring Offense and Total Offense LSU is #3 in the SEC with 45.7 points per game and 483.3 yards per game respectively, while the Tigers are also #1 in Scoring Defense and Total Defense allowing a laughable 2.3 ppg and 128.3 ypg. (the next best Total Defense in the SEC is Georgia's allowing more than twice as many yards) LSU also has 13 sacks in this short season and a +7 turnover margin. Both tops in the SEC. I think it also goes without saying that LSU is tops in the NCAA in pretty much every significant defensive category. By a mile.


Florida:

Remember Tim Tebow...the guy that everyone was wondering about during the offseason? (including myself) All that "Is he an every down quarterback...Can he be more than a glorified fullback?" Poppycock! Tim Tebow is currently tops in the SEC and 2nd in the nation in Passing Efficiency with a completion rate approaching 3/4 and 8 TDs to only 1 INT (surely the receiver's fault). Florida leads the conference in Total Offense as well as Scoring Offense while they maintain the #3 spot in Total Defense!

In other words, why the hell would College Football Gameday want to be at a game like that on October, 6th? Number 2 in the nation vs. Number 3?!? I think not! No, they'll be at ABC's Oklahoma vs. Texas. Gotta maintain that unified corporate front built on lies... by Home Depot.

The Smartest Coaches in the SEC

#5 - Nick Saban - (Hat Tip - TIGERWALK)

Smarts ain't everything…In fact, you can go a long way without ‘em (see Dave Rowe), but they sure do help…Especially when your every move, action and word is dissected, analyzed and criticized by thousands of semi-high functioning and relatively powerful folks (the college fan) . Therefore, I put together my list of the Smartest Coaches in the SEC: Who is the best game-planner?...Who gets the most out of his talent?…Who surrounds themselves with the best and the brightest assistants?...Who knows when to hold their tongue and when to launch a well placed verbal assault.

All these factors ultimately translate into points on the scoreboard. When searching for the perfect coach, smarts can’t be ignored.

1. Steve Spurrier - South Carolina: Totally not dumb. Be it on the field, off the field or in a press conference, Spurrier is sharp as a tack. Never showing signs of weakness, he is revered for his innovative football mind and his scathing, smartass remarks. Especially when it comes to opposing schools…specifically UT and Phillip Fulmer. He may be an asshole, but he can back it up. Is there any other coach you'd rather play 18 or share a beer with? Or both. Step to this, I dare you.

2. Bobby Johnson - Vanderbilt: Johnson loses some brain power points for the taking a job at Vanderbilt when he could have held out for a school where scoring a bowl game isn’t akin to winning The Powerball. Otherwise, he's as smart as they come. He does more with less than any other coach in the SEC. He's developed some great unheralded talent (see 3 All-SEC First teamers for 2007) and made Vanderbilt that much less of a punch line. When you can beat talent-stacked Georgia in Athens, you're coaching some smart football. Sadly, I don't care if you're the Stephen Hawking of college football coaching, you're going to lose, and lose your ass at Vandy.

3. Tommy Tuberville – Auburn: Tuberville reminds me of Leo's character from Catch Me If You Can. He loves to outsmart his opponent. Throw them off with a little slight of hand and/or some trickeration. He's also smart enough to know that he can't (and doesn't really want to) do it all. He's been called a genius "CEO" because of the way that he has learned to delegates all the "busy work." He doesn't necessarily coach anything. In fact, he doesn't recruit much of anything either. He merely hires smart and sets his assistants up for success. Naturally he comes out smelling like sweet Kentucky bourbon...all while he’s getting bombed with the Mrs. on Lake Martin. Tuberville loses a few IQ points because he often times lets his ego steer the ship. Whiny public remarks and risky decisions have dotted his career, however throughout the tough times, Tuberville has remained ostensibly, slightly above board and out of the real hot water.

4. Urban Meyer - Florida: Winning a national championship doesn't automatically make you a genius (see: Cheaty Pants McSweatervest) but Urban is no slouch when it comes to football IQ. It takes a brave man to run the spread option offense, but it takes a pretty damn intelligent man to actually pull it off. Conceiving, comprehending and memorizing the spread option playbook is difficult, but teaching it and implementing it with the talent at hand is the real test. And after just one marginal season, Urban pulled it all off beautifully. Of course, it's a little easier to make great wine when you inherit land in Napa Valley. I’ve said before, recruiting NFL caliber talent to Gainesville is about as difficult as getting Katrina victims to cash FEMA checks. Oh yes…Meyer loses major points for crying and generally acting like a silly bitch when things don't go his way.

5. Nick Saban - Alabama: Don't confuse drive and charisma with brains. Nick’s certainly high functioning when it comes to X's and O's, but he never seems to learn from his mental lapses away from the field. More so than another other SEC coach, Nick allows his ego to drive the bus. (wonder why he left a great situation at LSU?) Nick seems to burn bridges at every stop. Be it with the football staff, the media, or the fans. Even so, Saban can certainly turn on the charm when needed: forced media interaction, lying, recruiting (See his cameo in The Blindside). Nick is advanced in many subjects, but he’s also remedial when it comes to sincerity, honesty and tact. While he surely views these character traits as gay and/or superfluous to coaching football, some polish might make life at The Capstone a little bit more tolerable. I for one hope he continues to be a major league dick bandit. Sure makes my “job” easier.

6. Mark Richt – Georgia: Saint Mark doesn’t get the respect he deserves. Especially after last season's craptasticness (losing to Kentucky AND Vandy). Some people seem to forget how Richt took a sleeping giant in UGA and brought it back to the verge of greatness (UGA was an afterthought in the 90's). How can I say UGA is on the verge after 2 SECs in 6 seasons? Well, ask me how many times Richt's beat Florida. um that'd be once. Look for Richt to be considered more than just “a nice guy” with “some success” if/when he reverses the Cocktail Curse. Otherwise, Mark has proven to be extremely wise in the ways of college football coaching: He’s got a great scheme, he gameplans well, and he doesn’t get caught up in dick measuring, ego b.s. that entraps so many other potentially great SEC coaches (See Tuberville and Saban). He just coaches solid ball, with all his ducks in a row, his ego in check and his fly securely zipped. Richt also wins the award for "Coach least likely to Cheat on his Wife." Just thought I'd throw that in there.

You guessed it…I wrote all that in order to justify my Dumbest Coaches In The SEC List…Numbers 7-12 should be coming soon. But don’t hold your breath.

Fark Friday

didn't know Matt Stafford's sister was a Gator (LosersWithSocks)



a little blast from the past to cleanse your mental palate