Sometimes, even we Southerners need to refocus on what's really important. In the fall, Satan can use the football to keep us from "renewing our mind." At some point, everybody needs to recenter themselves and just awkwardly break-dance like the gays...
"Mom?" (1:54 is especially praise-worthy)
[nafoom]
In The South, Car Tattoos are the new hotness. And personally, I've found that nothing makes the ladies hotter than deep automotive associations with junk food. How long before LSUFreek has Phil Fulmer driving the Cheetos-mobile?
[more car tattoo nonsense from nola.com]
[HT: RichardZinya at nafoom]
The Story of Delta Flight 1759
As I mentioned, a couple of weeks ago I flew to Norfolk, Virginia to visit family. I thought it only right to share the "highlight" of my air-travel weekend with the group. Good times...
On my return trip, I just happened to have two old, old dudes in the row with me on a packed late night flight from Atlanta to Birmingham. These were good people, so we easily made the requisite, initial airplane small talk.
They were just getting back from an Alaskan cruise with their Vestavia Hills Methodist church group. (the king of Old People vacations) They were so elderly and decrepit that when I asked them "what cruise line did y'all go with?" they couldn't recall....but that's OK. They were really damn old.
Anyway, while we were still sitting on the tarmac in Atlanta, where the air is still sufficiently stagnant and those little screwy vents are operating at roughly 12% capacity, one of the old men proceeds to shit himself right damn next to me. Maybe not literally, but I wouldn't put it past him.
It lingered for an eternity. It BURNED the nostrils.
So, the old dudes just continue their mindless conversation as if a paper mill didn't just explode on their orthopedic shoes. Meanwhile, I'm dying inside; suffering in that airplane air with a solitary tear streaming down my face, but shit! I suffered in silence.
I remembered my "Band of Brothers" and I knew that these men, the greatest generation, had suffered far worse, for far longer than I...So I gave them my respect and held my ground. I sat beside them and took that shit like a man.
Can't say the same for that punk, Oak Mountain High School kid on his way back from Europe with his classmates. He was the funny guy. The douche in high school who's really an annoying skinny, floppy haired punk, but fancies himself a lady's-man/comedian. He just wouldn't shut up about "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" "SALLY, DID YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON MY PILLOW?" "WHO THE HELL FARTED?" "DAMN, THAT'S GROSS!!!"
I wanted to punch him in his skinny punk nose, but I couldn't embarrass my boys...whichever one it may have been.
That kid knows nothing of honor. I fear for America.
That day, on that plane...I earned it
Surprisingly, I didn't see this coming. At 71, George Carlin is dead of heart failure. Yeah, he did a ton of drugs and made a lot of people extremely uncomfortable over the years, but he was most often insightful, relevant and damn funny.
To remember him fondly, laugh at this classic Carlin bit on "modern language" (naturally, he cusses a good bit):
How to Avoid Tailgating Douchebaggery
It has recently been brought to my attention that many men are still ruining perfectly good steaks with so called "marinades" (we're not in college anymore kids, well...at least I'm not). If you're grilling anything better than than a top sirloin from Wal-Mart, you shant be "marinating" in the typical 18 year old frat boy style. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's a time and place for the dishonest "Dale's" types marinades of the world, just not in my home. As for me and my house, we will serve the beef. Straight up. Kinda...
Personally, give me an inch-and-a-half cut ribeye from a reputable butcher or high end grocery store (It's not like you do this every week, so who give a crap if you drop $15-20 on the best steak of your damn life?). I like to get my steaks to room temperate, so leave them covered and out of the fridge for an hour or two before cooking, if possible. First, rub in just enough extra virgin to cover the thing. After 15-20 minutes, I apply a generous layer of sea salt. When I say generous, I damn near coat the sumabitch, then I work it into the meat a little bit by hand. ("They" say you don't get all the sodium intake after grilling, and I want to believe that) My goal with all the salt is to create a crusty, salt infused layer. Then I add a less generous layer of cracked black pepper. Much less pepper than salt, howevermake it pretty obvious. That's about it for the "marinade"
As far as the grilling...I get that charcoal (don't even talk to me about "gas") as hot as it will go (preferably 500+) and sear the shit out of 'em, 1 minute per side. Then the tough part: remove the steaks from the grill and let them sit at room temperature for 15-20 minutes. Just try it...it makes the meat oh so tender (especially with lesser cuts). Then, I cook at mediumish heat for 4-8 minutes a side depending on thickness. (note: I like 'em rare as possible within the bounds of safety, of course) Remove the steak from the grill (without puncturing the damn thing) and allow it to sit at room temp for another few minutes before molestation. That's pretty much it. That's my recipe for pure salty, steak respecting goodness. None of this soy flavored shenanigans.
Fun With LARPers
If you're not hip to the LARPing scene (Live Action Role Playing, of course) then you really need to bone up and get with it. This fella makes Kige Ramsey look like Tyler Durden...
http://view.break.com/517361 - Watch more free videos
[Credit: holytaco]
[best LARP video ever]
You ever had one of those days at the office when you want to bust a co-worker in the head with your freakin keyboard, then toss your monitor at some gosh damn stupid lady's face? ... No?
Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos
[Rebhead @ nafoom.com]
Eli Manning and new wife Abby seen here on the pink carpet attending the New York premiere of that annoying, bloated, self-important "Sex and the City" movie. Best case scenario, this is Abby's payback for Eli making her sit "general admission" at the Green Bay NFC Championship game...Worst case scenario, Elisha's so a "Samantha" on his facebook page. Why couldn't the Mannings attend a cool premiere like Ironman or Indiana Jones The Dark Knight? Thank jebus Eli won the Superbowl or he'd be getting even more hell-fire for this.
[monstersandcritics]
[A review of said movie from a hetero guy's perspective]
This is a heads up battle for the best Youtube video produced in the state of Alabama. It makes me so happy, that to millions of viewers around the world, this is what they think of, other than Forrest Gump, when they think Alabama...
Montgomery -
I think he just served you your ass on a dinette set. OH YEAH!
VS
Mobile -
Could be a crack head! Or it could be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I'd like to see your state do better than that. A combined 9 million views. Can we get a national championship banner up in this bitch? Make sure to rock the vote. Make your voice heard in the poll over to your right...
SEC Baseball Tournament Edition (read: Hoover-centric)
This fall, I'll have been living in the greater Birmingham area for a decade, and if there's one thing I've learned during my stay, it's that I love to eat and drink well.
Best Place to Stay for Guys - Ross Bridge Resort
Hoover, Alabama 35226 USA
(205) 916-7677
It's bad ass. Looks like a European castle, but with an awesome pool and championship golf. Bonus: It's romantic enough that you might even get a little extra special wife/girlfriend action.
Best Place to Stay for the Ladies - The Wynfrey
1000 Riverchase Galleria
Hoover, Alabama 35244
(205) 987-1600
Your woman's not that into baseball? She should be ok in this Bama classy hotel attached to one of the largest malls in the southeast. This is also where SEC Football Media Days is held every year, so it's obviously not too demasculinating.
Best place for lunch - Cajun Steamer
Ste. 200
Hoover, AL 35244
Phone: (205) 985 - 7785
If you like fried goodness, this is the place. It's laid back, quick and good. In central Alabama, it's the closest thing you can get to "Mother's" in NOLA.
Best Mexican - Iguana Grill (review)
2085 Colonial Drive, Suite 101
(In the Plaza Fiesta off Lorna Rd. in Hoover)
(205) 987-8240
Well worth it and relatively close to the stadium. Women love the atmosphere, food it great for an underwhelming price. They even give you two different types of salsa.
Best Pizza - Tortugas (review)
Hoover, AL 35244
(205) 403-9800
If you like Chicago style (real deep dish) pizza, this place is a must. A lot of native Chicagans (??) say it's as good or better than anything you can get in Ditka-ville. It's outstanding, but it can take awhile to cook. My advice: call ahead.
Best place to watch Sports - Buffalo Wild Wings
2772 John Hawkins Parkway
Suite 100
Hoover, AL 35244
I don't think I'm gonna tell you anything new about this place. Good food (even corndog nuggets for the Bengal Tiger in you) and big screens. Sadly, I have to endorse BWW over the local Bob "Bammer" Baumhower's Wings. I'm usually not gonna steer anybody to the national chain over the local business, but Buffalo Wild Wings does it better in every aspect of the Sports Bar game and if not for the Bama fan contingent ("Gotta support Bear's Boys"), Wings would be gone baby, gone.
Best Steak - Fleming's
Birmingham AL 35243
205-262-WINE (9463)
If you don't mind dropping some serious coin, this is the place for you. Ruth's Chris can't hold Fleming's loin strap. Best Steak I've Ever Had. No shit. And there is nothing in the culinary world I love more than a great cut of beef. Get the bone-in Ribeye ($42, a la carte). Very nice wine list as well.
Best All Around Fine Dining - Highlands Bar and Grill (reviews)
2011 11th Avenue South
Birmingham, AL 35205
(205) 939-1400
This is the top of the food chain in Birmingham. It's on the Southside, so it requires a little more effort, but it's so very worth it. See why Gourmet Mag ranked Frank Stitt's flagship Top 5 in the nation. The menu is seasonal, but it's all outstanding. Southern/French with a upscale bar scene full of Cougars waiting to pounce.
Best Place to Drink Beer and Listen to Live Music in a "Garden" - The J. Clyde
Birmingham, Alabama 35205
(205) 939-1312
The Perfect pub for those who've graduated from the typical college bar (see: Innisfree) Technically The J. Clyde is a "beer garden" because of it's awesome, lush back patio and it's bonerific two hundred some-odd available beers. I wrote more about it here.
Best Sushi - Jensei (review)
1820 29th Ave. South (SoHo)
Homewood, AL 35209
(205) 802-1440
If the Crunchy Shrimp Roll is the extent of your Sushi experience, well you might want to skip this place, asshole. Jensei is the best, most serious Sushi establishment in Alabama. Even so, when you step in the little restaurant, you'll feel like you're in swank Manhattan. Sit at the Sushi bar (if you can find a seat anywhere) and watch these culinary ninjas kick some raw ass. You're guarenteed a happy ending at Jinsei.
Best (and only) Dueling Piano Bar - Twist and Shout
Birmingham, AL 35205
(205)933-2033
As you can tell, the nightlife is on the Southside of Birmingham. If you're looking for a little more entertainment than The J. Clyde can offer, walk on over to the ill-named T&S in the Five Points area (next to perennial late, late night hook up spot, Bellbottoms) T&S is a good "main event" bar for a big night out. Sandwich it between pre-gaming at a relaxed place like The J. Clyde and a late night, booze fueled "last stop on the skank-train," the aforementioned Bellbottoms.
This is meant to be an ever-expanding guide to what's good for you in Birmingham. Check back for updates as I continue to explore the surprising wealth of cool shit to do/eat in Bham.
I'm ashamed to say, I've never seen this movie. Actually...No I'm not ashamed, because I grew up in a Christian home...In the Bible Belt with morals and what not. (He-Man was even of the Devil) So I wasn't exposed to such chicanery, like sinful reader Clint, who sent me this foul mouthed little bit of Deep South folklore called "Six Pack." (Kenny Rodgers has "Oscar-worthy" written all over him) ...
Swifty is quite the colorful character...he masterfully blends "Shove it!", "Kiss off!" and "Fungus Faced Toad Sucker" with "Son's of Bit**es" and "S**t, Mister's." Why hold back, Swift? This was back in the good old days...when "PG" meant anything short of some Kim Cattrall tatas in Porky's.
There's a lot to love about Alabama, but rampant, unabashed ignorance is not on the short list. Especially among our leaders.
This is why there are dry counties throughout our state (and the South) who can't attract quality restaurants, other related businesses or industry ("If they wanna get dranked, we don't need em. They can set they sinnin'-shop somewhere else")...This is why we can't enjoy the Satan's 40 ounces of malt liquor (It's just too danged big. Let 'em buy 24 of the smaller ones instead.")...why the grocery store has to shut down the beer isle on Sunday before noon, which just so happens to be the time when I always seem to want to do the devil's work ("If they ain't at church, let's at least keep 'em from sinnin. Them whores can't help they self.") [/rant]
Well, change in The South moves about as quick as molasses. Just ask the fine folks at Free the Hops Alabama. They don't want much (not any of that crap I was just talking about)...They just want the same rights afforded to beer that have been afforded to wine in this state for decades. Here's a maddening clip that FTH put together. Consider it your daily dose of ignorance, courtesy of our very own elected officials...
[HT: Quin]
In case you didn't get all that the first time, the poster child for Alabama's legislative brain trust...The Pride of Montgomery...Alvin A. Holmes:
“Yo, what’s wrong with the beer we got? I mean, the beer we got drank pretty good, don’t it? I ain’t never heard nobody complain about the, uh, beer we have. It drank pretty good. Budweiser. What’s the names of some of them other beers? Budweiser and what else? Miller. Coors. It drank pretty good, don’t it.”
– Representative Alvin Holmes, 78th Alabama House District - Elected 1974
...but impressive none the less. The more I watch Japanese TV, the more I realize why they are a world power. These people just don't give a sh*t. They certainly "ain't skeerd" as we say in this more civilized nation.
You think Jordan's foul line dunk was impressive? This little Asian dude dunks from like 25 feet out... and he doesn't even get a running start. Of course he does have a trampoline, but still...You'd break your face and pull a hammy getting on the damn thing.
At first, I was all, "No effin' way," but then, that little Asian did the unthinkable. I bet he cleans up with the gambling crowd...
[on205th]
Despite the dunk, my favorite Pacific Theater "sports" show still goes to Ninja Warrior. It falls under the category of "shows guys get to watch when their wife's in the shower or cleaning or otherwise not in the room."
Ben Affleck: Douchebag or Recovering Scrote?
You know, it's amazing how things can change in a weeks. I used to think Ben Affleck was a raging, gargantuan scrote-bag. Maybe it was the whole dating J-Lo the pseudo-musician and starring in turd-like, suckfest movies such as "Armageddon," "Jigli," "Daredevil," "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" and "Jersey Girl." All the while, his "best friend" is out there dating non-huge-assed pop star freak shows, staying out of the tabloids and actually making great f'n movies like "Rounders," "Ocean's 11," "The Departed," and The whole "Bourne" thing.
Affleck's looking pretty douchey by comparison, right? Not to mention, his brother Casey is a much better actor than he is. Sucks to be Ben, eh?
Now (and I know he's very excited about this) I've started to think, maybe Ben Affleck doesn't suck that bad after all...
First, I see "Gone Baby, Gone" (his directorial debut, as they say) over the weekend and it surprised the hell out of me. I actually thought it was really well made (same author as "Mystic River"). Then I turn on The Oscars and there his wife is actually looking attractive for once and she even comes across like a serious actress (not some "Alias" joke of a cable TV star whose audience is populated by lonely pervs eating Cheetos in their grippies)
Then, I saw Affleck and Kimmel deliver this Coup de grâce to Damon f'er Sarah Silverman and on Oscar night. That's strong, to quite strong...
[Hat Tip: TheGodfreyShow]
Nothing better than an nice implosion to start off your Sunday morning. We don't get to blow up too much crap here in Birmingham, but this turd of a hotel deserved it. The Parliment Hotel on the southside near UAB had been vacant for years and become a safe haven for homeless assholes, and its not exactly tops on TripAdvisor (Unless you're looking for a "Great Place to get inadvertently stabbed with a HIV-tastic syringe"). Plus it is directly connected to my work parking deck (seen still standing behind it) so I was especially sick of looking at it.
Anything to keep from being reminded of the unsavory homeless and their pathetic problems, right?
Off Topic Edition
I love people, in all walks of life, who tell it like it is. No B.S. As felonious micturater, R. Kelley would say, "This some real talk" from one of my heros, Dennis Leary concerning all the massive ass-hats running around in LA LA land eroding the tattered moral fiber of this great nation, one failed rehab stint at a time...
So Hooray for Ole Miss?
Thank God Ole Miss has a pregnant 16 year-old pseudo-celebrity on its side. And wait, is that a GED textbook in her little maternal mits? Why yes it is! Perfect.
"I haven't thought anything about what I might study," she has said. "I'll have to look more into that. But if I went anywhere, I think it would be fun to go to LSU."
Sorry about the tardiness or absence or whatever you'd like to call it.
My Excuse? Big Business, and shoddy customer service Bad luck I guess. Basically, Charter has been screwing me with their lack of internet i'm a overreacting, anal prick sometimes. Those dingle-berries amazingly talented, and fun loving customer service reps tried to tell me that it was my computer that was effed up and I needed to take it in for repair put up with my crap and recommended a possible, plausable solution for my computer issues. So, being the naive little a-hole that I am, I took it down to the Hoover Best Buy, And guess what...IT WORKED JUST EFFIN' FINE! Everybody makes mistakes, and as long as you try your hardest, that's all anybody can really ask of you, right?
So I call those schlongs saints at Charter back to ask them WTF!? How's Life? And they tell me, "Oh, maybe it's not your computer at all...maybe we've had an outage in your area since Tuesday..."Son of a WHORE! I told that Gunt, "Before I speak to your supervisor, I want two free month of internet...and Cinimax, and some Spice Channel would be nice...ON THE HOUSE, ASS!"...actually, I told her that I want a credit for the missing days, and some gas money for driving out the Hoover Best Buy would be nice. I was just thankful that we had resolved this mystery, and life could get back to normal. (Clearly, I won't get either) Then I firmly told her "Thank you," and I rated her customer service a 9 out of 10 (gotta keep her honest) and said, "you have a nice day..too."Yes, I'll take it like a man. Like a man who takes things. Now I will go enjoy all the wonderful, enchanting services that Charter Communications provides (MOXI DVR, what?). Did you know Charter now offers home telephone service at extremely competitive rates? Amazing!
Also, "Dish" rhymes with "Douche"
^^^^Angels Sent From Heaven^^^^
Edit!: In the interest of full disclosure, Charter and I have settled our differences (out of court, mind you) thanks to a extremely reasonable and gentlemanly reader within the company.
Everybody knows the story of the Bills' Tight End Kevin Everett who had a spinal injury early in the NFL season. Well, thanks to this amazing video, we see that Evertt has made some inexplicable and miraculous progress...and has a police escort?...wait, why are they kicking him?
It's almost like the Station Manager said, "What do you mean you don't have the video?!? Get me some G.D. footage of a Black Man moving his arms and Legs!" Kinda like when they talk about obesity on the news, they just show random closeups of fat people's asses in sweatpants. It's the same thing really.
Hat Tip: Uncle Rico's Time Machine
This is where I just talk and rant about anything and everything from a southern sports fan's perspective.
Pop Culture Pessimism
What the hell is going on in music right now? Maybe I'm just getting old, but I pulled up my itunes at work the other day and looked at the "Top Songs" in the Music Store, and it did nothing but make me sad for the future of America.
I know that technically the average IQ in America is 100, but in the music world, if you can "make poopie in the toilet," you're considered "high functioning" and successful. In essence, popular music is devolving into a jumble of cover songs, pre-school lyrics ("Lady Humps?") and sex noises...all thrown together in the studio to net some cock-ass a couple Mil.
The new #1, top song downloaded on itunes is that ridiculously embarrassing turd that Britney Spears laid on stage at the Video Music Awards or Movie Awards or whatever. Are you effing kidding me?
No seriously, people are actually rewarding that stupid, bald Gunt with millions and millions of 99 cent downloads. If there's a bigger no-talent-ass-whore in showbiz, let me know.
The #2 effing song in America right now is called "Crank dat Soulja Boy" WTF!!! (this youtube of three wanstas dancin' "tha soulja boy" has 13 million views!) I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! No wonder 3/4 of Americans can't speak the King's English, much less read or spell. I've tried to listen to the song, but all I can make out is something about "Superman" and "Robo-cop."
After seeing the video of The Texas Longhorns and as well as Sebastian the Ibis doing their own renditions of "Crank dat," I just had to find out about this bullshit craze that sweeping America's dumbasses. Apparently, Hip-Hop, a genre that is historically known for creativity and talent [/sarcasm], has now raised the artistic bar, and is mimicking Country line-dancing? Next thing you know, Nelly will be doing a craptastic song with Tim McGraw...F Me, this shit is awful. The Miami Hurricanes even have their own version of the song that some a-hole did with a couple of tard friends in the basement...
#3 on itunes' exclusive list is Kanye West's no-talent cover of a Daft Punk song from 2001. What? You can't even wait the traditional 10-20 years to steal somebody's work? Pathetic. The worst thing, is most kids don't even realize that it's not even an original song. It's just crazy assed Kanye talking over another cover. Congrats, asshole.
#4 on the list is the only song that actually displays some form of musical/lyrical talent. It's that 1,2,3,4 Song from the new ipod commercial, and that is the only reason it's on this list. If you force feed the American public a half way decent musical talent, it ultimately becomes popular on repetition alone.
Now that I've listened to the whole song, I take back the lyrical quality comment. I'm pretty sure she counts all the way to Ten in the chorus but inexplicably skips the "seven" and "eight." So I guess if you can't think of anything witty to say/rhyme in your song, just start counting... You almost had me, skank.
The rest of the list is mostly filled with filth that I really know nothing about so I won't attempt a comment.
Actually, one that I would like to comment on is the #8 song in the land that features one of the most frustrating phenomenons in all of the music industry. The popularity of Nickelback. Never has the fifth defensive-back been so disrespected. If I were a Nickelback I would ask coach if I could try out for holder or long-snapper... Anything.
Here's an example of the brain-melting, auditory terrorism that these Canadian rejects brought south of the border...
"I wanna be great like Elvis without the tasselsWow. We are all now dumber for having read that. That quesadilla line, Yeah, I didn't add that in. It's part of the damn song. I can see this scrotebag's "writing process" now..."Hmmm...what rhymes with 'assholes'?"
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla, on the house)
I'm gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion"
