Steele brings the funky knowledge that Lindy's and Athlon can only fantasize about. What I love about Phil's mag, is that in this day and age of extreme CFB oversaturation, where we pretty much know 5 minutes after our favorite safety prospect blows a .114 in a stolen car while driving without a license, and the mugshot is subsequently hitting 112 different blogs within the hour...In days where we get constant videos and in-depth reports of every springpractice and at least two first-hand accounts detailing any situation where a 4-star recruit may or may not be scratching his balls.
"Could it be Crabs?! Does his baby's momma know??"
In days such as these, I love that Phil Steele actually manages to tell me stuff I don't know about my team. You know...The one I'm obsessed with. The one I already spend countless hours wasting productivity senselessly studying and dissecting meaningless BS. And he does that for all 119 fanbases out there. Plus the neanderthal followers of Ohio State.
You gotta respect that.
I was at Publix yesterday picking up some bacon, and I happened upon Steele's SEC Preview. (I tried to finagle a copy a couple months ago "as an SEC blogger/promoter" but Steele's email Nazis weren't buyin' it...something about actually updating the site???)
Anyways, In his "Best Case/Worst Case" stat he talks about close wins and close losses from 2008.
I find it interesting that last season, Ole Miss' best case scenario was 13-0 (because the Rebs never got beat by a large margin) and our worse case was 7-6 (because they only won two close games: Ark and Florida)
On the other hand, Alabama's best case is 12-2 (their actual record) because they had two big losses to close the season. Their worse case was was 9-5 as they had three close wins (Kentucky, LSU, OM).
What are the chances of Alabama achieving their best case scenario again? Usually the truth lies somewhere in between worst and best. These people calling for Alabama to go 12-0 again (#5 in the coaches? how so?) are effing crazy. In my mind, they're like Mississippi state in 2008: The year before, all the breaks went their way, and they made the Liberty bowl. Well, the next year, the ball didn't bounce their way near as often. (4-8)
Ole Miss won 2 of 6 close games last season. Lets say win conservative 4 of 6 (.667) this season. I'd be ok with a 10 win regular season.
Again, if you want real insights into college football, look no further. If you want to rely on a bunch of glorified PE Teachers who don't watch the games, don't do their homework and most of the time don't even do the effing voting, check out the new pre-season USA Today Poll.
shots on Shelley Meyer...no, not literally, dirtbag As part of Garnet and Black Attack's 2nd annual SEC POWER POLL, we, the members, will obviously be completely unbiasedly ranking the SEC teams 1-12 this season. HOWEVER, to start this thing off right, "cocknfire" has asked us, his colleagues, to rank the coaches from 1 thru 12. It's a Herculean task, but eff it. I've got spare time.
SEC FOOTBALL COACHES
1. Urban Meyer - The compete package. He's so good it's scary. Recruiting, gameplanning, improv, motivation, media savvy. If only I could get his sissified crying out of my head.
2. Mark Richt - Had to learn on the job, but it's finally coming together for him. Richt's in his prime. The kind of coach you wouldn't mind taking home to Momma, if you're into that sort of thing. About as polished and poised as they come.
3. Tommy Tuberville - Big Game Badass. Squeezes the most out of his players. Wins with a smart defense, but historically has trouble developing the passing game (obviously, set to change in '08) Prone to occasional game-long mental-farts (see: '08 UGA, South Florida, or MSU)
4. Steve Spurrier - Still a great football mind, just not playing with the stacked deck he inherited at UF in the 90's. Appears to loathe all aspects of CFB other than play-calling the offense. Gamecock experiment growing old? Didn't vote for Duke for the first time this season because he apparently hates David Cutcliffe.
5. Les Miles - Hate to say it, but this guy just wins football games. Can't too much argue with that. He may very well be a prickly dumb prick, just with Gump-like luck, but he's certainly doing something right. I know, he's got more talent than Marisa Miller, but still. That'll only get you so far. Even back at OK State he was doing big things with far less.
6. Nick Saban - If this were "most powerful" or "best recruiter" or even "inverse height-to-ego ratio" Saban would be numero uno. However, Nick's overall coaching leaves tons to be desired. In fact, his recruiting is pretty much the only good thing I can say about him. Discipline? In Game skills? Motivation? He's not exactly lighting the world on fire when it comes to actual football between the hedges in T-town. (to borrow one of his favorite preachy words) At least not relative to expectations.
7. Houston Nutt - Now here's the polar opposite of Nick Saban. A man of the people...loves the media, loves his coaches and his players. Even loves to motivate...except he couldn't give two shits about recruiting. He's very comparable to Tuberville in this regard. Consummate winner of the "does more with less" award. Great football mind and surrounds himself with quality assistants. Never gonna ascend these rankings until he starts to take it all a little more serious.
8. Phillip Fulmer - Has-been. Football is passing Phil by. Has the keys to one of the SEC's proudest programs yet he continues to fart around and crap the bed. Tons of talent, but little leadership. Consistent winner of the "does less with more" award. How many more seasons will a 10-year-old Championship buy you on Rocky Top?
9. Bobby Petrino - His record says a lot, but that's little league, Big East stuff. Give me a season against big boy defenses (SEC speed, bitch) before I move him anywhere up this list.
10. Rich Brooks - What can I say, Kentucky's no joke anymore. When you take a perennial laughingstock and in due time develop a team that takes out the eventual national champions on the road. That's effing saying something. But Rich has yet to move the Wildcats past the Music City Bowl.
11. Bobby Johnson - Look, he's obviously a pretty good coach, and going to a bowl with Vandy is the equivalent of winning the National title with LSU, but every time he gets a legitimate chance at, well legitimacy, his team craps itself. Sure, go beat Georgia, Tennessee and Ole Miss...then lose to Middle Tennessee. Can't give you too much credit Bob.
12. Sly Crooms - received every lucky break a coach could get last year to finish 8-5 (read: State won every close game) Don't expect that to happen two years in a row. Yeah, time for Croom to get Munsoned a time or two. Oh yeah, State has yet to field an offense under this former NFL offensive coordinator.
Be the envy of everyone with eyes: Get this limited edition, Crimson Tider Championship Letter Jacket. We'll even sew on the '08 National Recrootin' Championship patch at no additional charge!!! [e-bay, seriously]
Well, the second college football "season" is now over [/sarcasm], and It appears that Bama's won their Thirteenth Nation Championship!!! (more on that later). Soon, I'll be forced to put out my 2008 recrootin' All-Name team and that will require me to do some actual "research" and "work" when publishing this blog. Not Cool, but I digress.
Here comes my jaded opinions on all thing crootin' in the best college football conference in the universe (note: it's not the Big-ten)...
Alabama - The University of Saban rules your ass! Yes, he may get owned by the Sun-Belt on the gridiron, but your momma and grand-momma are putty in Nick's supple hands. When it comes to telling people what they want to hear, Saban has no equal, and he proved it on February 6th. Gotta give him credit. He worked his little ass off to find "character" souljas to build his kingdom with. I find it impressive that all the top rated players in the state (and around the south) just so happened to also be "high character." Cause that was the problem with Shula's recruits, right?...They lacked character.
No longer will Bama fans have to live in jealousy of schools who have achieved success in the last decade, for they too are National Champions*!
Arkansas - The importance of Ryan Mallet cannot be understated. He won't show up on the sheet for this class, but he's a huge get for a school that hasn't had a legit passer since the cold war. He WILL NOT be playing this fall, despite his pending appeal, but think about all the potentially highly entertaining QBs we'll have in the SEC come 2009 (Mallet, Snead, Starr, Burns, not to mention Tebow and Stafford) By the way, De'Anthony Curtis has a supurb first name, plus he's a straight Manimal. Behold...
De'Anthony's badassery (warning: annoying rap song accompaniment)
Auburn - This is what happens when you lose coordinators who actually matter (sorry Major!) I'm not saying this is a bad class either, it's not. Make no mistake: Auburn ended poorly because Auburn lost big time assistants, and there's no school in the SEC where the assistants play a bigger role in every aspect of the program. This doesn't have as much to do with Tuberville and the infighting over contracts or any of that mess. Do you think recruits care about any of that? Hell no. They care about who calls them ever week. Who writes them every day. Who they think they can trust. Who runs the scheme that features they skillz. And at Auburn, those people were Tubby's first lieutenants' Borges and Muschamp. Fact is, keep Borges, keep Enrique, among others. Keep Muschamp, keep Trahan, among others. This class looks a little different then, now doesn't it? In Auburn recruiting, Tuberville is merely the closer. Well, this year, Tommy didn't have his foot solders in position to kill a damn thing (therefore, not much closing going on). That does go back to Saban actually. Nick is changing recruiting in this state. He is a heartless, soulless machine who Croots hard year round and demands the same of his staff (such is the reason nobody on his staff likes him). He's actually on the front lines (as opposed to most head men) Lets face facts Auburn fans...Tuberville is going to have to change his methods/work ethic or else he's gonna get burned badly in the talent department.
Auburn's gonna miss this MF 'ER!!!
Florida - Another awesome recruiting class to augment the group of young studs residing in Gainesville. The Gates pulled national badasses out of New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Alabama, Texas, Georgia and California. Is Urban out-recrootin' his predecessor, the Zooker? I'd have to say so. But after the talent that [name redacted] built, the national championship, and the fact they it's effing Florida, was there ever any doubt? I've always said, recruiting to UF is akin to convincing Katrina victims to cash their FEMA checks.
Tim can't wait for the freshmeat to arrive!
Georgia - In a state with about 25 out-freaking-standing football players every year (4-star types) and no real natural predators, UGA's usually got it made. I would dare say that Richt has the best/most-laid back offseason job in College football. That's right, I said it. In Athens, recruiting is a breeze, expectations aren't that insane (with the obvious exception of the current off-season) and the Georgia fans don't often overreact. Think about it...UGA is like coaching at LSU without the rabid coonasses and multiple, recent BCS championships to live up to every season...With a much richer recruiting base. If you can hold serve at Georgia, you're top 10 in recruiting without breaking a sweat. Imagine if Lord Saban was recruiting for The Dawgs?
Georgia's earned tons of hype as we look towards spring - the best thing Stafford and Co. can do, take a vacation from it all...get back to the basics at Dega
Kentucky - After the kinds of seasons KY has been churning out the last few years (read: Friggin Bowl Games) these recruiting classes are not up to par. At least at first glance. Plus, UK only signed 20 and no quarterback? Sounds like old-man Brooks is gettin' a little lazy in his formative years.
Rich seems to think he can keep that ^^^ ^ up with these no-talent classes - More power to you, Coach
LSU - This was a down year for Louisiana talent, and therefore translated into a down year for LSU talent. Fortunately for the Bengal Tigers, a down year in Cajun means, "Not quite a Top 10 National class, but top 15, sure." The Tigas pride themselves on owning their home state, and they sure enough did, supposedly taking home everyone they wanted. High functioning, lucky retard, Les Miles also landed the #1 Corner in the nation, Patrick Johnson, out of Urban's backyard. Pretty good for a mouth breather!
Mississippi State - Croom's boys had an overall "mehhh" class highlighted by a few players any program would want... Like Templeton Hardy (DT) and Charles Mitchell (DB) However, there is an extremely large no-talenet ass-clown quotient. Seriously, it's like a who's-who of nobodies. However, there is one player we're psyched about who's back for his second straight year of recrootin'! This name will always catch my eye...
Ole Miss - Wow. Nutt busts a little "Happy Signing Day Surprise" on Rebel fans. It's certainly a change for the better. Going back a long time, Ole Miss fans are used to getting shat upon on signing day. Not that this class is amazingly awesome or anything, but it's just nice to get some good news in February for a change. In the last several years, Col. Reb has been on the short lists of a variety of "big name" backs (Frank Gore, Keiland Williams, Joe McKnight), only to end up dick in hand. The stud RBs always flirted, but never seemed to give it up the dotted line. Well, all that changed in '08 when Nutt, to his credit, reeled in supposed Bo Jackson impersonator and 5-star, Enrique Davis. The rest of the class is pretty ho-hum: some honkies, a few questionable quarterbacks and B-listers. I guess after you go 0-8 in the SEC and fire your ravenous head-coach, it's actually not too shabby.
Rev. Nutt just got a little more popular, ladies and gents
South Carolina - The Cocks supposedly "filled a lot of needs" (recruit-nerd speak for "It's not as good as last year...yeah it kinda sucks") Spurrier certainly did not finish strong and inexplicably got his ass handed to him by Tommy Bowden??? I think this class shows evidence that Steve is growing weary of his Gamecock experiment. Did he really think he could possibly recapture the magic he had in Gainesville? Me thinks that "magic" could more so be attributed to the population boom of the sunshine state in the 60's and 70's (See also: Poppa Bowden at FSU and various successful coaches at "Tha U"). That's my personal theory.
If Tommy Bowden (L) and Steve Spurrier (R) started a family
Tennessee - Apparently not too many youngsters were wishin' they was on Ole Rocky Top come this fall. In fact, this has to be the most embarrassing big orange signing class of my life time. The talent level is more indicative of East Tennessee State University...Oh, they quit playing football a few years back? (Whores!) Maybe Middle Tennessee State then. No...seriously, it's not that bad, but it's one of the worst in the SEC. Plus it's pretty flaccid at only 18 signees? I've always said Fulmer does less with more...but now he's just gonna have to learn to do even less with less.
desperate times in Knoxville
Vanderbilt - Bobby Johnson is not going to blow anyone away with this signing class, even by Vandy standards. The best player (most sought after) has to be three-star, DeAndre Jones, a linebacker out of Memphis University School. One thing I will say, there are entirely too many white kids in this signing class. And I'm not saying that Vandy needs to do any affirmative action bull, I'm just saying if they want to win at football, which is ostensibly why you field a team in the SEC, they need to drop all these slow-assed Honkies...STAT! As evidenced by his lack of recruiting prowess, Bobby Johnson must be one hell of an on-the-field coach to be sniffin' 4-5 wins a year.
Nothing sums up Vandy's 2008 class like Britney birthing The Looter (actually, I just like this picture)
I have never really teed off on new Hawg head man, Bobby Petrino like some have thought I should. Actually, I think Gene Wojo, of ESPN, did quite enough of that in yesterday's column (hint: read the 520+ angry razorbacker's comments in less than 24 hours). In Atlanta, with the Falcons, Bobby was kind of (how do I say?) outside my sphere of giving a rat's ass. Kinda like when Saban was at Miami. And interestingly enough, Petrino seems more and more like an offensive minded Saban clone everyday.
What do I mean? Well, Petrino may be the ultimate dick-faced asshole, but as long as he's your dick-faced asshole, it's all gravy, right Arkansas and Alabama fans?
How blessed am I to have such "entertaining" coaches in the SEC West this coming season. It's a gosh dang murderers row out there:
LSU: Les "The Hat" Miles - Won the BCS NC game, and he's rightfully on top of the football world...However, he's still largely viewed as an extremely lucky, high functioning retard.
Alabama: Nick M. Effin Saban - Is there anybody this guy can't piss off? Lately it's the head coach at Brentwood Academy speaking out about what a scrote-bag Saban can be on recruiting visits. Add that to the overflowing "comment box of horrors."
Mississippi State: Sylvester "Made Man" Crooms - Credit for having a winning season in your 4th year. Even so, isn't that what coaches are expected to do? Win?!? Crooms is a career .362, but everybody and their mother seems to treats this guy like he's the second coming of Black Santa Claus.
Ole Miss: Houston Damn Nutt - He's yet to open up his patented can of Arkansas Crazy in Oxford, but I've seen the warning signs. Me thinks Houston's crazy is like a crock pot: It may take a while for that Nutty goodness to bubble up, but when it does...It's on like Donna Bragg in the equipment closet.
Arkansas: Bobby "Pinocchio" Petrino - Damn. Nobody ever gonna accuse the SEC West of being "high character." He sadly takes over Saban's crown as SEC Media Scumbag-Newcomer of the year.
Auburn: Tommy Tuberville - Wow, never thought I'd view Tubs as the least volatile, least controversial coach in the division. Even so, Tommy can still be quite the asshat when things don't go his way.
Here, young Applewhite is seen dropping "F bombs" on the scout team quarterback so Coach Saban will think he's cool
What a Redheaded, Texas-Style Sandy Vag
When you boil it all down, Applewhite is strongly, strongly considering abandoning a position as the offensive coordinator for a team with 12 Nashunal Champ-yin-ships in beautiful/scenic Tuscaloosa, to go be a running backs coach in crap-ass Austin, Texas.
First off, why would any one want to leave Tuscaloosa? Even the name is beautiful and flows off the tongue. So much to offer...the beautiful Black Warrior river...Weekends at The Bear Bryant Museum, The Flea Markets and Alabama Adventure (post-chapter 9 "Visionland")...proximity to great deer huntin' land, a major Sticks n' Stuff retailer...It's kinda close to cultural hot-spots like Bessemer and Meridian. Damn, they've even got an interstate-highway running through that bitch.
Also, who wants to work for a coach who treats you like an "adult" with "respect" and "dignity?" Screw a head coach who doesn't spit on you or doesn't even bother to prank call/dog-cuss your wife for encouraging you to go to church on Sundays with the rest of the "sheep."
What? Go work for Mack Brown? Who needs a boss with "perspective" or "morals?"
Plus, recruiting to Texas isn't even a challenge. It's like finding a million-dollar-bill in your old winter coat pocket. Where's the fun in that?
What makes Nutt better than Cut? Most people would say, "Easy. Two trips to the ATL, asshole."
Well, Let's just talk about the things these coaches can control. Trips to Atlanta involve many outside factors.
In 2002 Houston's Hawgs went to Atlanta on the virtue of a 5-3 SEC season. Lucky for the Hawgs, one of their regular season beatdown losses came at the hands of a probation laden Alabama squad who was conveniently ineligible for the Championship game. Bama ended up 6-2 in the SEC that season, but Houston's Hawgs "earned" their way in as West Runner-ups. They subsequently got their asses handed to them by Georgia (27 point win), and to show the real caliber of this squad, the Hawgs then went on to get owned by Minnesota in the ever-so-prestigious Music City Bowl.
When was the last time an "SEC WEST Champion" played in the Music City Bowl?
Cutcliffe got his ass kicked in the Music City Bowl as well, but it was after a 4-4 SEC season.
In 2006 Nutt went 7-1 in the SEC, while losing to LSU at home toward the end of the season. In 2003 Cutcliffe went 7-1 in the SEC, while losing to LSU at home toward the end of the season. Scary. The only difference was another outside factor. In 2003, LSU was a better squad than they were in 2006. So, while Cutcliffe stayed home, Houston gets to travel to Atlanta for another double digit loss.
Other Factors...
SEC Record Nutt: 43-37 (.5375 over 10 seasons) Cut: 25-23 (.5208 over 6 seasons)
Bowl Games Nutt: 8 bowls in 10 years Cut: 4 bowl games in 6 years
All this to say, I didn't exactly argue with the Cutcliffe firing. (He wasn't building on his moderate success, mostly attributed to the genius QB play of Eli Manning)
So, honestly...what makes Houston Nutt a better coach for Ole Miss than David Cutcliffe?
Excuse my lack of content of late. On top of real life excuses, work has been blog-blocking me. (those cocksmen) I guess they don't want their employees blogging at work or something. Even so, I think I've found a way around it.
It's kinda like watching those scrambled channels at the end of the dial way back in...er, junior high (without the cheezy music). The Man won't ever come between me and my contrabanded entertainments!
So what did I miss??? Lets see. What to tackle first?
- Here's a few pics of The New Ole Miss First lady courtesy of nafoom.com...I present to you, Diana Nutt...
Where does Diana fit in the hierarchy of SEC Wives?
Interesting. Maybe Houston's not as far behind The Orgeron as we once thought in the recruiting department. Speaking of, I wonder how the big move is going for good ole' Kelly Orgeron...
Another Top SEC Wife bites the dust
Word on the street is that Kelly was a "square peg" to the Oxford scene's round hole. Among other issues, it seems Kelly had quite the potty mouth in the grove. Apparently candelabras, Abners, F-bombs and G.D. don't mix. That's doesn't jive at all with the drunken, pseudo-chruch picnicy vibe of The Grove. She wasn't too fond of the Grove M.O: "Hold your liquor, mind your manners and keep your problems in the closet"
Either way, A "Meet The Orgerons" Reality show would be a gold-mine and they'd make the Bonaduces and Kardashians look like the effin' Cleavers. Seriously, what has Orgeron been up to the last coupla weeks?
- In other news, it seems if your school holds out for a month and looks like a bunch of clueless a-holes, you are rewarded with a big name coach. Just ask Arkansas, Michigan and (last year) Alabama.
- Oh, and I love the prevailing thoughts of internet Bama fans at this juncture (basically the same place they were with Shula a year ago). I actually read some ignorant, mediocrity-induced rivals poster write something along the lines of, "Shula put us in such a big hole cuz of bad recruiting not to mention probation that it's gonna be 3 or 4 years to rebuild The Tide." WTF ever. Why is it always, that after your new coaching staff proves to suck balls in their first year, "Well, we all knew it was gonna take 4 years to get this thing turned around."
Horsepiss! You don't pay a guy $4 million a year to do no better than Mike Shula with Mike Shula's pretty damn talented players. Clearly, Nick Saban has lost the respect of everyone that counts (outside of the recruitniks). Mostly the players. You can't tell me they didn't quit on him after that LSU game. Why would you want to play for a coach who will gladly sell you in the media every chance he gets. I certainly wouldn't show up drunk at the airport for a guy that's gonna take me from 6-6 to...yeah, 6-6. (BTW, BOL Open Board Moderator/Tough guy MrCrimson is an Uber-Scrotebag)
- David Cutcliffe is now the head man of Duke Football. Wow, what an impact hire. I wonder if the Dukies even bothered to talk to Ole Miss administration. (requisite Cutcliffe joke in 3...2...1..) Is there a previously unknown 6'4", high school senior quarterback, bastard son of Archie Manning residing somewhere in the Carolinas? Otherwise, Duke football is screwed. As if they could be anymore screwed than 4 and 42 in four years under Ted Roof. This pic pretty much sums up the excitement and effort David Cutcliffe will bring to Durham...
- Speaking of the Cutcliffe/Orgeron era, the goat of these men's flailing, pathetic offenses was more often than not Michael Spurlock. Spur was the starting quarterback the year after Eli under offensive genius David Cutcliffe. As you know, Eli is a 6'4", lead footed honky with a strong, fairly accurate arm. Michael Spurlock is a 5'10", fast as lightening, athlete with a cannon for an arm but zero accuracy or (how do I say)...touch or requisite height to see over offensive linemen.
Obviously, these two men should run the same offense.
There are two amazing indicators of Cutcliffe's ineptitude: Patrick Willis...who I think I can safely say will quickly become one of the best linebackers to ever play the game of football, at any level (If you want to argue see Exhibit A, B or C), Cutcliffe stumbled upon him when no other SEC schools offered the small school, Tennessee Mr. Football and then promptly sat him on the bench for two seasons of eligibility in the name of seniority. WTF! [/tangent]
Anyway, If you need more evidence than that, check out the youtube below to see what kind of talent Cutcliffe wasted by trying to make Michael Spurlock a pro-style, pocket passer...
So...Congrats to Spurlock who "couldn't hack it" in college ball, but is making history in the NFL. Thanks, Cut! You offensive guru and genius developer of quarterbacks!
Contrary To Popular Belief, You Don't Need A Big Name (and $4 Million) to Win Big
These are 5 proven and attainable head coaches who every college football fan (and Atheltic Director) should know. I'm not wasting my time on a defensive line coach with a flair for recruiting, or a Super Bowl winning coordinator with a supposed brain as big as his fupa. No, I'm finding proven Head Coaches from the lower levels. Coaches who do more with less (instead of the other way around) Guys who have learned the hard way (read: on somebody else's dime) how to manage a staff, run a team and ultimately WIN...a lot.
1. Paul Johnson - Navy - .739 (10 seasons as a HC) - This guy is a no-brainer. He's as safe as the victory formation. Give him the keys and rest easy. (I made this list before last weekend's big win, mind you) Why this guy hasn't been snatched up years ago, I have not a clue. Some folks seem to think it's Paul's "triple option flexbone" that has rundoft potential suitors, but I think that is exactly what makes him a badass.
Johnson does what any big-time head coach should do. He evaluates the talent available to him and then he acts/schemes accordingly. If he can't recruit a great passing quarterback, he'll run the option...if one becomes available, then he'll spread the field and pass. Crazy! Johnson, by any measure, appears to be the next great offensive football mind, and unfortunately for you the fan, administrators seem to view him as damaged goods. An autistic, slightly over-weight used-car salesman in sheep's clothing? Naw, sometimes, what you see is what you get: A winner. (Wiki, CFDW)
2. Brian Kelly - Cincinnati - .728 (16 seasons) - This Yankee know how to build a program. In his 16 head coaching seasons, Kelly built Grand Valley State from merely good to outstanding...in 3 years at Central Michigan he turned the program around and won the MAC...and in one season at Cincinnati Kelly has already beat the likes of Oregon State, #21 Rutgers and #20 South Florida on his way to a 7-2 start (both ranked teams he beat on the road).
Kelly is a perfect example of just how valuable Head Coaching experience can be. At each stop, his obvious skillz have allowed him to turn things around faster and faster. Case in Point: Cincinnati is still in a position to win the Big East after 10 games, in Kelly's first full year. That's a positive impact. Keep an eye on Kelly over the next two weeks as he takes on supposed #16 UConn and #6 West F'n Virginia; both home games for Brian Kelly's Bearcats. (Wiki, CFDW)
Hatcher - Future BCS Badass
3. Chris Hatcher - Georgia Southern - .862 (7 seasons) - What is it about Georgia Southern coaches? That AD must be living right.
Chris Hatcher will make the bigtime, and he will make some lucky BCS conference AD look like a freakin' genius. He's the poor man's, Division II version of Steve Spurrier...the next generation (Hatcher's in his mid 30's): In 1994 he won the Harlon Hill Trophy, awarded to the NCAA Division II National Player of the Year. After a few short stints as an assistant he returns as head coach of his Alma Mater (Valdosta State) and immediately resorts to ass kicking and name taking. He turns the program around. Hatcher goes to the championship game twice, wins it once (seeing the Spurrier parallels?). By the way, Look at that winning percentage!?! From what I gather, he's a highly intelligent, ex-qb who will works his ass off. Did I mention he's a winner?
4. Bobby Hauck - Montana - .759 (4 seasons) - This Missoula native is a relative young gun at only 43, but he's more than proven himself to be a quality head man. As an assistant at Colorado and Washington, Hauck learned from a great (although some might say "morally ambiguous") bossman in Rick Neuheisel.
As a head coach Hauck's done nothing short of turning in four straight Big Sky championships and two trips deep into the NCAA tournament (championship game in '04 and final four in '06). He's currently starring down the barrel of his best season yet with a 9-0 record, and get this...Last winter Hauck rejected a 3 year deal to settle on a one year contract. Seems like Bobby's ready to party. On the downside, Hauck's predecessor, current Wyoming coach Joe Glenn, isn't enjoying near as much success in the Mountain West as he did at I-AA Montana. (Wiki, CFDW)
5. Skip Holtz - East Carolina - .562 (7 seasons) - While his numbers are not as impressive as some of the above, Skip has proven to be a solid coach. Most only know him from his work as an assistant for his wacky dad Lou at Notre Dame and South Carolina, but he sandwiched that experience with a head coaching gig at then I-AA UConn in the mid 90's. There, he laid the foundation for the Huskies current success in big time, Big East foozball.
Now Skip's in his third season as the HC for East Carolina (6-4 in '07) leading his division in C-USA (5-1) with two of his out of conference losses coming at the hands of highly ranked opponents. If you watched the first "Gameday" game of the year where Va Tech took on Holtz' Pirates, you know that Skip's quickly moving ECU in the right direction. (Wiki, CFDW)
Late Night Stream of Consciousness: Opening Weekend
It was everything I hoped it would be and more. It is truly the most wonderful time of the year. Here are my random, unorganized, spur-of-the-moment thoughts on the SEC games this week...
Auburn - That O-line is gonna get Cox in a body cast by the end of the season. Kodi Burns needs to be ready at a moments notice. Like I've said previously, there's just nothing really exciting or outstanding about this team, other than the obvious... Quentin Groves (two more sacks) is the Best Defensive player in the SEC. Hands Down. And that's saying a lot.
Alabama - Strong offense (Terry Grant is going to be a stud) Can't wait to see a Defense against a team that doesn't share a conference with Samford.
UT - Too little. Too late. Tennessee may put it together this season, but right now, UT's receivers suck assholes. Foster is solid though.
LSU - Overrated. (but they are #2) They may have owned an inept MSU team (6 picks kinda helps) but they don't really look like world beaters. The West seems to be down this year so they will probably still win it.
Ole Miss - Played insane football (for Ole Miss) the first half to go up 20-0 (1 offensive TD, One Special teams TD and one Defensive TD with a missed extra point) The second half they played not to lose and almost did. Dustin Mouzon, Ole Miss CB with 3 turnovers! (2 picks, fumble recovery) Impressive. The Ole Miss DL went from worst to top tier in one season. Ole Miss doubled their INT total from the 2006 season in ONE GAME. Offense still needs work as well. Running game was stagnant. Defense is still vulnerable to the spread, but they're getting A LOT more pressure on the QB...which is nice. Ashley Palmer is an outstanding outside backer (plus he's from Compton...yeah, that Compton)
Vandy - Kinda struggled with the Richmond Spiders in the first half more than they should have (I can't believe I have expectations for Vandy!) Even so, they ended up killing them. We'll see next week when the pre-season ends for both Bama and Vandy.
Florida - They are winning the East, cause we sure as shit know that Georgia can't win in Jax. Tebow is 110% real, son. The Defense only returned 2 starters so that may be their Achilles.
Arkansas - Troy? Seriously? The Hawgs won by twenty but struggled mightily in the first half. I don't really know what happened in this game, but the Hawgs don't seem to be a contender like they were last season. Fortunately for the Hawgs, they are they most Jekyll and Hyde team in the SEC.
Teams I know nothing about - South Carolina, Kentucky...
Teams that I wouldn't touch with Fred Smoot's dick - The Mississippi State Fighting Crooms
Thanks to David at From the Hedges we now have the beta version of "SEC Roundtable." Hopefully a semi-weekly feature. (I don't do consistancy very well) Since David brought up several extremely thought provoking questions, I though I might just take a stab at them. Hopefully I'll be just slightly more successful than Miss Teen South Carolina.
If you could have any player back from graduation last year who would it be?
Hmmm...That's a tough one for Ole Miss. Yeah, about that...I'm gonna go with the top linebacker taken in the draft, The 49ers 11th overall pick Patrick effin' Willis. #49 was not only the best player on Ole Miss' team, but he was the best defensive player in the country. Willis was a nightmare for offensive coordinators and one of the few enjoyable things about the Rebs 4-8 season. With a more veteran supporting cast in 2007, Willis' 4.38 speed and 250 pound frame would have made the Rebel defense a major force to be reckoned with. Nope, instead the Rebs got three green linebackers with about 7 career tackles between them. Sweet!
Who's the most underrated/overrated team in the SEC? Why?
Underrated - Kentucky: The Cats have the best quarterback in the nation that nobody's ever heard of in Andre' Woodson. They were also an 8 win team in '06, which is an amazing feat for Kentucky. Nobody is giving them any credit, but they will upset a big boy this season. I'm thinking Louisville or Tennessee.
Overrated - Arkansas: The Hawgs are one or two injuries away from a horrible season. With Nutt's personal life impoding like it is, everything must fall perfectly for this team to be Top 25. Yes, they won the West last season (10 wins), but they also ended the year on a three game slide, lost their OC, Quarterback and a huge amount of fan support.
Take your team's biggest rival's head coach and make a case as to why he would be a good fit on your sideline
Mississippi State - Sly Croom: I'm sorry, I can't think of anything positive to say about what he's done at State. I guess he would help Ole Miss in the race relations department, until all those rich old white men had to up and fire his ass.
LSU - Les Miles: Why would Les Miles be a good fit? Well, Les Miles brings a lot of great things to a program...unfounded arrogance, tasteless smack-talk, a potty mouth, a huge forehead and a sub-par IQ.
Other than your team who do you want to win the National Title?
Vanderbilt : Wouldn't it be great? It would shake the foundations of the space/time continuum. Everybody would start hating Vandy and Bobby Johnson would get offered crappy NFL jobs. I think the Dores would be forced to expand stadium capacity upwards of 30k.
Predictions w/ scores:
Kansas State v. Auburn - Tigers 32 - Wildcats 28 Oklahoma State v. Georgia - UGA 24 - OSU 10 Tennessee v. California - Vols 36 - Homos 20
Related News: Georgia Head Coach Loses W.W.J.D. Bracelet
The normally reserved and composed Georgia head football coach, Mark Richt made doves cry this weekend with his sarcastic asshole comments concerning UGA's lack of an indoor practice facility...
Richt was particularly annoyed this past Friday after a late-afternoon thunderstorm first delayed, then cancelled, the team's practice. To make it up, the Bulldogs had practice twice on Saturday, once in the morning and once late in the evening. That meant many coaches and players had to change Saturday evening plans, including cornerback Remarcus Brown, who was supposed to be in a wedding.
"It's just a royal pain to have to deal with this kind of stuff," Richt said on Friday. "It would be nice to have a little indoor facility nearby where you wouldn't have to spend your whole life trying to figure out a new plan. It's very frustrating, it gets very old and I'm about tired of it.
"Maybe one day we'll get that done."
Richt was then asked if not getting an indoor facility would be something over which he'd leave.
"They'd probably say 'good riddance,'" he said sarcastically. "I'm not going to threaten anybody."
I don't know what to do or think about this. Mark Richt has always been like a second father to me. An omnipotent, lilly-white second father. If there was one thing I was sure of in this crazy, mixed up world it was that Mark Richt was an Angel sent from heaven to show us how good and pure college football can be. Now...now I'm just lost. A castaway set adrift on my personal sea of sorrows.
Then...Then Richt issues a formal statement/apology. Sorry, Mark. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, you Judas.
"Friday's comments regarding the lack of an indoor practice facility were a knee-jerk reaction to a series of events that happened throughout the day ending with the cancellation of practice due to a storm in the area," Richt said in the statement.
"When I actually read my comments late in the day on Saturday I was very disappointed in what I said and the way I said it. It appeared to be someone who was ungrateful for what he had and that is certainly not the case. For that, I want to apologize to President [Michael] Adams, [athletics director] Damon Evans, and the Bulldog Nation."
He Hates Your Team! (damn, I hope this stud is back for more in '07)
Let's be honest here...You're team probably doesn't suck that bad (unless you're a State fan). However, your rival fans would have you believe otherwise. All summer long, you've had to listen to those obnoxious assholes from (insert team) on the internet, talk radio and in the newspapers. Blah, Blah, Blah. Lies, Lies, Lies! No team is spared. So anyway, I thought I would compile their smack into one tight little blog post for you to mull over. Note: These aren't my views (notice the quotes, right)
WEST
Auburn - "Them Barners is just scared of Coach Saban. Now that there's a real Coach at The Capstone, Tuberville is done fore sure. They ain't never gonna get another recruit in this state. They can stick that thumb up they ass! Oh, and Chete Williams had sex with my mother. Promise."
Arkansas - "What the hell is wrong with you white-trash hillbillies? None of us really hate you...we're more concerned than angry. You're like the Kennedy family of SEC football. In 2006 you seemed to have everything going for you early, and you managed to F it all away. Your off season played out about as smoothly as The Hindenburg landing on The Titanic."
Alabama - "What's that smell. It smells like...Desperation. Don't look now bammers, but our coach is paid less than half of what you're getting raped for and we've still got a winning record against that tiny, over-hyped S.O.B. (3-2). How about this...How bout we decimate your weak ass D-line, Groves will "Brodie" Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson, and we'll call it six in a row. Speaking of 6, enjoy another trip to Shreveport...I'm positive the Cajuns won't hurl urine filled bottles at your coach. That is, If he's still your coach at that point. Wow...4 arrests in the last month. Stay Classy, Crimson Tide."
LSU - "How did LSU manage to hire the damn dumbest Head Coach in Division I Football? (Skip Bertman = Outstanding Baseball Coach...Train wreck of an AD) Yeah, Numb-nuts Miles has a great record, but does that have anything to do with him? Or could it be the dearly departed OC, Jimbo Fisher, or the overall #1 pick in the draft, or an amazing boat load of talent. Newsflash: You didn't even win the West last year, much less the SEC. Yes, your shit still stinks. Lose that 'Corky' of a HC and get back to us."
Ole Miss - "Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw... Walk-on Quarterback? (Coach O song never ceases to get a laugh). So The Ogre is the all-star recruiter of the century but he's starting a Walk-on at the most important position. Yeah, he couldn't start at Division-II Delta State but he's gonna lead Ole Miss to the promise land. It's been fun Orgeron. Better hope Pete Carroll gives you your old job back. Another 3-9 season. Cutcliffe never went 3-9!"
Mississippi State - "Wow, where do I start. You poor bastards haven't tasted a bowl game since Y2K. Kinda hard to bring in the talent when you're not cheating your effin' asses off isn't it? I'm gonna stop right there cause making fun of Crooms boys is like talking shit about my demented grandmother. It's just not right."
EAST
Florida - "Tebow is a jort-sporting, meat-headed bitch. He can't pass worth a damn. He's nothing more than over-hyped, over-sexed fullback who occasionally throws the ball. He certainly ain't no every-down quarterback. Then you've got Herban Meyer and his thuggish-ruggish team of pot smoking cock-bandits. He's turning that program into Miami North. Not to mention he lost his whole defense. Good luck beating Vanderbilt this season, Herban."
Georgia - "That Stafford's a fat drunk. If he spent as much time on the practice field as he did gettin' liquored up and chasin' tail he might live up to his hype. Richt ain't never gonna win the big one. Don't talk to me until you beat Florida when it counts, bitches. Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life, Matty."
Kentucky - "Andre' Woodson - The best quarterback nobody gives a shit about. Kentucky beats Georgia, has a winning season, goes to bowl with the best quarterback in the conference and we still give a collective yawn. I think I'm falling asleep just talkin' about Kentucky Football. In conclusion, UK fans don't care...We don't care. Lets move on."
South Carolina - "Blake Mitchell is really best quarterback you could find Spurrier? Really? What is the arrest/embarrassing-fiasco count in your QB depth chart, Steve? I count 4 in the last year. Nice dicipline. I know you're more of the "Xs and Os" kind of coach, but you might want to actually interact with your players...maybe show them you care. Then maybe they'd stop acting out like 19 year old, abused step-children. P.S. - You're soo not winning the SEC at South Carolina an time soon."
when white qbs go bad
Tennessee - "If it isn't Philip Fulmer. 'Fulmer' loosely translates as 'He who does less with more'. Phil just isn't cutting it anymore. He's tricked the hillbillies for 16 some odd years and it's starting to get old. I can't remember the last time UT played in the SEC Championship game. Fat Phil's got all the tools in hand, and he's still shittin' the bed. You make me sick."
Vanderbilt - "Congratulations. Now you've moved up to the 11th least crappy program in the SEC. (Sorry, State) Whenever things seem to be going your way, you always F it up. (See: last years Ole Miss game, or any MTSU game). You've got a great coach, but you're Vanderbilt. Maybe you should get your priorities straight and start cheating your ass off, cause nothing else seems to be working. Look for another 5-7 season. So close!"
According to the guy/girl over at CoachingHotSeat.com, Houston Nutt is #1 while Ed Orgeron is sitting at #5 on this hottest of the hot seat list.
Yeah...I'm callin' bullshit.
Any hot seat list that doesn't begin and end with Sylvester Slytanic Crooms is an Abomination. An Embarrassment. A Farce. (He's #13???) If you need a reason, just talk to any...literally any MSU fan for 5 minutes (If you can find one).
The aforementioned website predicts a 5-7 record for the Hawgs. Really? Darren McFadden's left testicle is good for at least 5 wins. When you throw in Felix Jones and the rest of the team, anything is possible.
After predicting another 4 win season for The Orgeron, he/she goes on to say,
"Memo to Pete Boone (OM AD): David Cutcliffe is a terrific football coach"
Really? really?!? Wow. That's odd. How many Head Coaching interviews/offers/opportunities has Cutcliffe been mulling over since he got canned? Most "terrific football coach" types at least get one look. Maybe "terrific quarterbacks coach" was what you were reaching for.
Ed Orgeron will be looking for a new job in December 2007."
How bout "No," Scott. As funny as you think the Coach O song is and as unintelligible as The Orgeron seems to be, there are a lot of folks sold on the talent he's bring in (read: Jevan Snead: QB, 2008) Orgeron's not going anywhere soon.
I wouldn't touch him. Seriously...He'll effin kill you.
Smarts ain't everything…In fact, you can go a long way without ‘em (see Dave Rowe), but they sure do help…Especially when your every move, action and word is dissected, analyzed and criticized by thousands of semi-high functioning and relatively powerful folks (the college fan) .Therefore, I put together my list of the Smartest Coaches in the SEC:Who is the best game-planner?...Who gets the most out of his talent?…Who surrounds themselves with the best and the brightest assistants?...Who knows when to hold their tongue and when to launch a well placed verbal assault.
All these factors ultimately translate into points on the scoreboard.When searching for the perfect coach, smarts can’t be ignored.
1.Steve Spurrier - South Carolina: Totally not dumb.Be it on the field, off the field or in a press conference, Spurrier is sharp as a tack.Never showing signs of weakness, he is revered for his innovative football mind and his scathing, smartass remarks.Especially when it comes to opposing schools…specifically UT and Phillip Fulmer.He may be an asshole, but he can back it up.Is there any other coach you'd rather play 18 or share a beer with?Or both.Step to this, I dare you.
2.Bobby Johnson - Vanderbilt:Johnson loses some brain power points for the taking a job at Vanderbilt when he could have held out for a school where scoring a bowl game isn’t akin to winning The Powerball.Otherwise, he's as smart as they come.He does more with less than any other coach in the SEC.He's developed some great unheralded talent (see 3 All-SEC First teamers for 2007) and made Vanderbilt that much less of a punch line.When you can beat talent-stacked Georgia in Athens, you're coaching some smart football.Sadly, I don't care if you're the Stephen Hawking of college football coaching, you're going to lose, and lose your ass at Vandy.
3.Tommy Tuberville – Auburn: Tuberville reminds me of Leo's character from Catch Me If You Can.He loves to outsmart his opponent.Throw them off with a little slight of hand and/or some trickeration.He's also smart enough to know that he can't (and doesn't really want to) do it all.He's been called a genius "CEO" because of the way that he has learned to delegates all the "busy work."He doesn't necessarily coach anything.In fact, he doesn't recruit much of anything either.He merely hires smart and sets his assistants up for success.Naturally he comes out smelling like sweet Kentucky bourbon...all while he’s getting bombed with the Mrs. on LakeMartin.Tuberville loses a few IQ points because he often times lets his ego steer the ship.Whiny public remarks and risky decisions have dotted his career, however throughout the tough times, Tuberville has remained ostensibly, slightly above board and out of the real hot water.
4.Urban Meyer - Florida: Winning a national championship doesn't automatically make you a genius (see: Cheaty Pants McSweatervest) but Urban is no slouch when it comes to football IQ.It takes a brave man to run the spread option offense, but it takes a pretty damn intelligent man to actually pull it off.Conceiving, comprehending and memorizing the spread option playbook is difficult, but teaching it and implementing it with the talent at hand is the real test.And after just one marginal season, Urban pulled it all off beautifully.Of course, it's a little easier to make great wine when you inherit land in NapaValley.I’ve said before, recruiting NFL caliber talent to Gainesville is about as difficult as getting Katrina victims to cash FEMA checks. Oh yes…Meyer loses major points for crying and generally acting like a silly bitch when things don't go his way.
5.Nick Saban - Alabama: Don't confuse drive and charisma with brains.Nick’s certainly high functioning when it comes to X's and O's, but he never seems to learn from his mental lapses away from the field.More so than another other SEC coach, Nick allows his ego to drive the bus.(wonder why he left a great situation at LSU?) Nick seems to burn bridges at every stop.Be it with the football staff, the media, or the fans.Even so, Saban can certainly turn on the charm when needed:forced media interaction, lying, recruiting (See his cameo in The Blindside).Nick is advanced in many subjects, but he’s also remedial when it comes to sincerity, honesty and tact.While he surely views these character traits as gay and/or superfluous to coaching football, some polish might make life at The Capstone a little bit more tolerable.I for one hope he continues to be a major league dick bandit.Sure makes my “job” easier.
6.Mark Richt – Georgia:Saint Mark doesn’t get the respect he deserves.Especially after last season's craptasticness (losing to Kentucky AND Vandy).Some people seem to forget how Richt took a sleeping giant in UGA and brought it back to the verge of greatness (UGA was an afterthought in the 90's).How can I say UGA is on the verge after 2 SECs in 6 seasons?Well, ask me how many times Richt's beat Florida. um that'd be once. Look for Richt to be considered more than just “a nice guy” with “some success” if/when he reverses the Cocktail Curse.Otherwise, Mark has proven to be extremely wise in the ways of college football coaching:He’s got a great scheme, he gameplans well, and he doesn’t get caught up in dick measuring, ego b.s. that entraps so many other potentially great SEC coaches (See Tuberville and Saban).He just coaches solid ball, with all his ducks in a row, his ego in check and his fly securely zipped.Richt also wins the award for "Coach least likely to Cheat on his Wife." Just thought I'd throw that in there.
You guessed it…I wrote all that in order to justify my Dumbest Coaches In The SEC List…Numbers 7-12 should be coming soon.But don’t hold your breath.
