Return of Fark Friday?

Now, that's just effing rude. As well as terribly, terribly accurate. Credit goes to comedic genius(es) Gump4Heisman [HT: nafoom] Click here to see all 15 alternate (uncencored) covers.

SEC Power Poll - Week 1

Copied from Garnet and Black Attack. I had some technical difficulties posting my ballot this week, but my votes and comments were included in the greater poll. Enjoy yo-self...

Florida

Florida started slow but ended like a freight train with no breaks.--Hotty Toddy Blog

While the Gators' win over Hawaii was a mite less impressive than the final score made it look, UF still looks like the chief challenger for Bulldog supremacy in the Eastern Division, if not the league as a whole.--Dawg Sports

Hawai'i briefly hung around with the Gators, but eventually provided the resistance of warm jello. I'm still not scarred of that defense.--Georgia Sports Blog

Georgia

A win on the field but a loss on the injury front. Georgia depth is being pushed to the limit this year.--Orange and Blue Hue

If Georgia is the #1 team in the country, they should have shut out Georgia Southern. Did they put in the second string defense in the fourth quarter?--Mississippi State Sports Blog

Ignore the 21 points allowed. [Knowshon] Moreno had three TDs on his own. UGA is still the Class of the league.--Alligator Army

LSU

For a team with a Division I-AA Quarterback, their performance was almost flawless.--Tide Druid

Screw the QB controversy, they have more than enough talent at running back alone to hit double digit wins.--Roll Bama Roll

The way LSU handled App State proves they aren't ready to give up the SEC crown yet.--UK Wildcat Country

That lil QB looked solid. These days I really appreciate solid competent QB play.--Loser With Socks

Alabama

Vic Koenning: "Somebody set up us the bomb!" Nick Saban: "All your Escalades are belong to us."--Tide Druid

Imagine what Saban could do with Clemson's talent.--Orange and Blue Hue

[John Parker Wilson] actually played well and Alabma won in a convincing fashion. It was Clemson though, and they always faceplant in these situations. If Bama plays this way every week they could go to Atlanta.--Red Solo Cup

Auburn

Louisiana-Monroe is not a cupcake. A bear-claw, maybe ...--A Sea of Blue

There won't be any billboards along I-20 after this one. The new O needs some work though, as Kodi Burns and Chris Todd both struggled. However, Burns may become the SEC's hot new dual-threat QB.--Red Solo Cup

No shame here. This team could be like the 2006 Gators with a freakish defense and supercharged offense.--Alligator Army

South Carolina

A tale of two halves was the story in Columbia and thank God that it was against NCSU because if it was a real opponent the score could have easily been the other way.--Leftover Hot Dog

That was a boring game Thursday. But if Spurrier has finally found a competent quarterback to match the Gamecocks' defense, the rest of the division needs to watch out.--Hey Jenny Slater

Maybe the OBC should suit up and take the field at QB.--A Sea of Blue

Mississippi

Welcome back to relevance Rebels.--The Dead Guy

Memphis is not very good, but Ole Miss showed some real promise. The Wild Rebel formation, about the only thing Houston Nutt took away from his year with Gus Malzahn, was a smashing success. All that talk about Ed Orgeron stocking cupboards in Oxford was true, and if Nutt can harness it into something cohesive for a season, the Rebels will finish comfortably ahead of Arkansas and their in-state rival.--Year 2

Nutt has found a solid quarterback in Jevan Snead. If they can beat Wake this weekend, the SEC West all of a sudden becomes very interesting.--Georgia Sports Blog

Tennessee

Defense was outstanding until the last 2 series. Offense looked like a goat chained to the tracks staring at the locomotive coming straight at it. Yikes!--Gate 21

Dead Fat Man Walking.--Deep South Sports

Beginning of the Neuheisel Era. Beginning of the end of the Fulmer Era?--Save the Shield

Kentucky

Solid win for 'Cats in post-Woodson era.--Pelican State Sports

I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where Kentucky has an above-average defense. I'm just not.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

The Wildcats appeared, at best, only intermittently other than awful against an opponent that looked utterly horrible in a contest confirming Louisville's complete fall off of the college football map. The final score is a testament not to U.K.'s competence but to U. of L.'s absolute lack thereof.--Dawg Sports

Vanderbilt

Looked better than expected against Miami (OH). Lots of questions remain, though. This week will be a good test.--Garnet and Black Attack

I think that at the end of the season, Vandy destroys my beloved vols.--Loser With Socks

Arkansas

Thank God for Mississippi (State).--Razorback Expats

Good news for the Hogs: at least they won. More good news: Bobby Petrino didn't quit at halftime to take a high school job.--Save the Shield

Arkansas outgained WIU 394-262, committed just four penalties, went 7-11 on third downs, and yet was still down by 10 points in the fourth quarter. That's some special kind of voodoo right there. Three turnovers, a reported six or so drops by receivers, and a 13:23 deficit in time of possession are troubling. This could be a long, long year in Fayetteville.--Year 2

Mississippi State

For shame.--The Auburner

Maybe in '09 State can just start the season with an automatic 0-1 record and skip the actual playing of the game? Seems like they'd avoid some embarrassment that way.--Joe Cribbs Car Wash

Bama's Back...Again...No Seriously, Asshole

[ht: Daniel]

If magazine covers added up to national championships, consider this "13." Apparently the editor over at SI was the recipient of a Bear Bryant organ back in '83. Jeebus.

Everybody loves an underdog (unless said underdog is wearing a houndstooth baseball cap) ...I call it "The Gump Effect."

[last year's fellatio]
[The time Bama was almost back]

Wherefore Art Thou, Julio?

VS

Surely there's been a mother effing mistake. From SECSports.com...

SEC FRESHMAN OF THE WEEK

BRANDON BOLDEN
Running Back
OLE MISS
5-11 • 215
Baton Rouge, La. (Scotlandville Magnet)

Bolden led Ole Miss with 76 yards rushing on eight carries in the Rebels’ 41-24 win against Memphis.

He added a 10-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter giving the Rebels a 41-17 lead.

Bolden also threw a 37-yard halfback pass to quarterback Jevan Snead that helped set up a Rebel field goal in the second quarter.

WTFYMFAF!!?! Wait...Is "Brandon Bolden" some pseudo name for The Julio? Cause the only "Brandon Bolden" I know of was some non-dreamy three-star "athlete." What could he possibly know about outstandingness?

What is this Brandon's vertical? Where are his erotic preseason photographs? Has Brandon ever testified at a murder trial? Has Mr. Bolden ever even been accused of owning an Escalade, much less driven one? I think Not. Fact is, nobody touches themselves when they think of "Brandon Bolden." He doesn't even have a gosh damn face, while Julio is the face of all things classy and traditional.

These types of things need be taken into consideration for some stupid award such as "SEC Freshman of the Week."



Julio Jones: The People's Freshman of the Week

What a Wonderful Gosh Damn Weekend

Can Houston shoulder the hopes and dreams of good Rebels everywhere?

So much to say, so little time. It was a lovely day in Oxford...I'll say that much. Is Ole Miss Back? Well, I don't mean to go all "Tider" on ya, cause they're certainly not 60's back, but very likely Tuberville/Cutcliffe back (read: 6-8 wins). First time the Rebs scored 40 since Eli's senior season, and that's huge since the D is suspect at best. True test is Wake on ABC this Saturday.

Here's the highlights of the Rebel's Houston Nutt revival with requisite annoying, repetitive hard rock music...



Dexter McCluster is a bad little water bug (#22 seen above receiving footballs and orchestrating the McClusterf**k/Wild-Rebel offense) Like I didn't already tell you that. The jury's still out on Snead.

The SEC, with a clear UT win this evening, is staring down the barrel of an 11-1 opening weekend. So, in my opinion, other than Mississippi State and Arkansas, the SEC ain't too shabby. Even Kentucky and Vandy notched convincing victories.

Wait, the reigning SEC coach of the year got Croomed by a mid level Sun-Belt team? Who could have seen that coming?

The Hawgs looked like G.I. drainage on Saturday in their comeback victory over Western Iowa or some such titty baby team. Yeah...about that. Don't see so many Arkies talking shit about Ole Miss' Nutt hire now do we? Good luck with all that "b,b,but the cupboard is bare" talk, Hawgs. It gets old after a few years. Trust me.

As far as the top teams in the league, look for my SEC Power Poll ballot in the next few days.


Why so many Ole Miss students should be punched in the face [friendsoftheprogram]

College Football Season + 1 Thoughts

Teams that look damn good:

Wake Forest - (41-13 over Baylor) The fact that this tiny, no-footballcentric-history havin' school is a pre-season Top 25er is damn impressive in itself. They showed why last night. Skinner threw three TDs to zero picks (all with his clothes on), Swank, the kicker, was 2 of 2....The Deacons scored double digits in each quarter save the fourth. Grobe's boys just put up efficient offense. Yeah, it was Baylor, but the Bears are no Sun-belt bitches. Wake has earned every bit of respect they will receive this season with great coaching and smart play. If Ole Miss doesn't kick Memphis' ass this weekend, look for some extreme uglyness next week when the Rebs visit Winston-Salem.

Georgia Tech - (41-14 over Jax St.) I'd say Techies have to be happy with what they saw last night in Paul Johnson's debut (my #1 "Real Coach" of 2007's coaching search). Typically, you want to put up half-a-hundred on these D-IAA schools, and GT was on pace with 27 points in the first half (yeah, they kinda backed off in the second, what of it?) Sidenote: Even so, Tech wasn't playing your typical lower division, no-talent-ass-clowns. Perrilloux played mediocre-like with two TDs and two picks, 22-37 for 136? (that has to be the worst per-pass average evah: 6.18 yards per completion???) Well, hope young Ryan's enjoying like in the middle of effing nowhere (and that's by Alabama standards).

Miami - (52-7 over Charleston Southern) I don't know too much about this game, but Miami won a game like a Miami team should over a lowly D-IAA opponent. Next week is the true test when tha thUgs roll into Gainesville for a sampling of SEC speed and Tebow badassery. Sidenote: Mountain Brook's own Tribble Reese threw the Charleston Southern's only TD in this game. (what an aptly named "brookie")


In closing, I want to say, screw ESPN and their box scores. The one consistent thing that people still come to your crapass site for and you go and screw it up (God forbid we actually trust you with opinion, much less factual information). Now, the scores default to show you only games that are on the "ESPN Networks." Well eff you, you money grubbing, ignorant sluts. CBS sportsline, you had me at hello.

Enjoy the rest of this blessed weekend. I'll be in Memphis and Oxford for the debut of the Powetron HD and The Houston Nutt experience. Reports next week on all the action and my SEC Power Poll.

Nothing Says "Check out My New Jumbotron" Like "Finding Nemo"

Ole Miss is actually preparing to use their 6 Million dollar, Largest HD TV in the SEC (for at least half-a-season, asshole) by testing annimated Disney DVDs on that sumabitch. Maybe's it's an omage to ESPN's parent company for dropping 2.25 B-b-b-Billion on the SEC for broadcasting rights. Only at Ole Miss...



If there's one thing I know, it's that college football fans and animated Disney movies go together like Kige Ramsey and the bitches.

[friendsoftheprogram]

SEC Coaches Power Poll

shots on Shelley Meyer...no, not literally, dirtbag

As part of Garnet and Black Attack's 2nd annual SEC POWER POLL, we, the members, will obviously be completely unbiasedly ranking the SEC teams 1-12 this season. HOWEVER, to start this thing off right, "cocknfire" has asked us, his colleagues, to rank the coaches from 1 thru 12. It's a Herculean task, but eff it. I've got spare time.


SEC FOOTBALL COACHES

1. Urban Meyer - The compete package. He's so good it's scary. Recruiting, gameplanning, improv, motivation, media savvy. If only I could get his sissified crying out of my head.

2. Mark Richt - Had to learn on the job, but it's finally coming together for him. Richt's in his prime. The kind of coach you wouldn't mind taking home to Momma, if you're into that sort of thing. About as polished and poised as they come.

3. Tommy Tuberville - Big Game Badass. Squeezes the most out of his players. Wins with a smart defense, but historically has trouble developing the passing game (obviously, set to change in '08) Prone to occasional game-long mental-farts (see: '08 UGA, South Florida, or MSU)

4. Steve Spurrier - Still a great football mind, just not playing with the stacked deck he inherited at UF in the 90's. Appears to loathe all aspects of CFB other than play-calling the offense. Gamecock experiment growing old? Didn't vote for Duke for the first time this season because he apparently hates David Cutcliffe.

5. Les Miles - Hate to say it, but this guy just wins football games. Can't too much argue with that. He may very well be a prickly dumb prick, just with Gump-like luck, but he's certainly doing something right. I know, he's got more talent than Marisa Miller, but still. That'll only get you so far. Even back at OK State he was doing big things with far less.

6. Nick Saban - If this were "most powerful" or "best recruiter" or even "inverse height-to-ego ratio" Saban would be numero uno. However, Nick's overall coaching leaves tons to be desired. In fact, his recruiting is pretty much the only good thing I can say about him. Discipline? In Game skills? Motivation? He's not exactly lighting the world on fire when it comes to actual football between the hedges in T-town. (to borrow one of his favorite preachy words) At least not relative to expectations.

7. Houston Nutt - Now here's the polar opposite of Nick Saban. A man of the people...loves the media, loves his coaches and his players. Even loves to motivate...except he couldn't give two shits about recruiting. He's very comparable to Tuberville in this regard. Consummate winner of the "does more with less" award. Great football mind and surrounds himself with quality assistants. Never gonna ascend these rankings until he starts to take it all a little more serious.

8. Phillip Fulmer - Has-been. Football is passing Phil by. Has the keys to one of the SEC's proudest programs yet he continues to fart around and crap the bed. Tons of talent, but little leadership. Consistent winner of the "does less with more" award. How many more seasons will a 10-year-old Championship buy you on Rocky Top?

9. Bobby Petrino - His record says a lot, but that's little league, Big East stuff. Give me a season against big boy defenses (SEC speed, bitch) before I move him anywhere up this list.

10. Rich Brooks - What can I say, Kentucky's no joke anymore. When you take a perennial laughingstock and in due time develop a team that takes out the eventual national champions on the road. That's effing saying something. But Rich has yet to move the Wildcats past the Music City Bowl.

11. Bobby Johnson - Look, he's obviously a pretty good coach, and going to a bowl with Vandy is the equivalent of winning the National title with LSU, but every time he gets a legitimate chance at, well legitimacy, his team craps itself. Sure, go beat Georgia, Tennessee and Ole Miss...then lose to Middle Tennessee. Can't give you too much credit Bob.

12. Sly Crooms - received every lucky break a coach could get last year to finish 8-5 (read: State won every close game) Don't expect that to happen two years in a row. Yeah, time for Croom to get Munsoned a time or two. Oh yeah, State has yet to field an offense under this former NFL offensive coordinator.

SEC vs. The Big Ten

Ryan Parker, King of all football-centric musicians (an elite group), declares a victor in this age old battle, and despite what ESPN/ABC/Disney would tell you, The Big Ten better get it's ass in the kitchen and make The SEC a sandwich, STAT! (that's right I said it, asshole)

Parker's latest brought a tear to my eye. A very convincing and passionately delivered piece. Strong work, Bradyfan...

More videos from the "ryanparkersongs's channel" channel at Heavy.com

[HT: The new and improved www.thewizofodds.com]

The Kige Party

I think it's pretty obvious that I haven't been "on the blogging ball" lately, and for that I apologize. Some developments in the non-online world are keeping me away for the moment (should have some preseason-esque content arriving soon).

I feel as if I've hit a blogging wall...who can I relate to in times such as these?

In this quagmire I find myself, I take a deep breath and turn to Kige Ramsey. He's like Dave Ramsey, but useful. Here's one of Kige's recent late night, Olympic updates where he teaches us viewers how to push through the tough spots... How to rebound with grace and dignity firmly intact. Nothing fazes this guy.


I think of Kige as "a Scotch man"