Saban Teaches Us How To Deal...Blames Shula for Pearl Harbor

Credit: LWS

The Post Apocalyptic Press Conference

Before telling the media what kind of worthless eff-up players he's been dealing with, Saban went on to teach us simple-minded, non glorified P.E. teachers a thing or two about world history, alcoholism and life...

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11,which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

After Saban's next big loss, I don't even think he'll hold a press conference...I think he'll just host a public screening of "The Passion of the Christ." Then he'll make a few parallels between the Jews and the media (or whatever).

Napoleon later preached on the dangers of alcoholism as it relates to such a catastrophic loss (???). He thinks that his team might get on the wagon now that they have hit "rock bottom."

Either that, or they just gave up on his no-blame-takin' ass. Lord Saban went the entire media lecture (lets call a spade a spade) without once admitting, "Hey, guys...Coaching had alot to do with this as well" Maybe a little, "Part of my job is to get the team up for the game, and I clearly failed to do so" or "My staff and I need to reevaluate a few things." No no no...It was all "These players need to get their stuff together," and "play calling doesn't matter at this point."

The Lil' Bear continues with a bunch of empty crap about finding "character players," "not disrespecting rules and regulations" and "the value in doing the right thing."

Point blank: Saban, Did you do the right thing when you showed the young guys on the team that winning the game is more important than following through on D.J.'s suspension. Did that disrespect rules and regulations? Did that show your character?

When asked about cutting the suspension short to use DJ Hall in the second half of a tight game, Saban's non-reply was "It is what it is."

So you admit it was bullshit then, Saban?

If so, this is how the press conference should have gone:

"Hi everybody. Wow, let me be the first to say...I looked like a massive douche out there this weekend. I'm gonna tell it like it is, for once: I put DJ in the game because he's our best player and I really did not want to lose this one. I know that makes me a raging hypocrite so I'm gonna save you the self righteous, rambling bullshit talk. I'm not even gonna try and blame it all on my players, thus deflecting from my obviously flawed approach at college coaching and life.

I know that sometimes, it's not an academic issue. It's not cut and dry and I don't need to act like a prison warden for these guys to respect me and perform for me. Sometimes it's players believing in their coach, wanting to work hard for him and vise-versa.

We've lost that. If I'm being totally honest, we've lost that because I've pretty much hung my players out to dry in the media. Yes, I did it to cover my own ass.

I blamed these kids cause I'm scared...I'm scared y'all will figure me out. You'll
figure out that I'm not worth all the money and attention. I'm just a football coach from West Virginia who's gotten a little too wrapped up in myself...The suits, the money, the power, the mystic tan and the hair dye.

Maybe I needed this.

Maybe I needed to hit rock bottom to gain awareness to the fact that I'm an insufferable prick. I really need to check my ego...I need to forget the fact that I'm better, smarter and more handsome than all you people and just get back to the basics of coaching.

I am the leader of this team. Don't blame these kids. Blame me."



click to listen to the entire inane, rambling, Nick Saban press conference