The Casting Call, Part II

This is the long delayed, second half of my Casting Call: The actors that would play your favorite SEC Coaches in a made for TV movie.


SEC EAST


Thomas Wilson (Back To The Future's Biff Tannan)
as Urban Meyer (Florida)

Both are hardasses that we thought could do no wrong. Their tightly cropped hair never wavering as they ruthlessly yell, point and bark orders.

Quickly, these men worked to claim the prize. The SEC East/Marty's Mom was thought to be in jeopardy! Then, somehow, we realized...these guys bark is much worse than their bite.

Once we figured them out, sadly, they were relegated to boo-hoo for themselves while all covered in feces (literal and metaphorical).


Urban's Secret Weapon

After this first installment, we don't need a time machine to know that they will be back to try and rain on our parade again some time in the near future. These men are stubborn and won't give up without a fight!

But, will they end up all covered in crap again?


If these are any indication, Urban should age like a fine wine


Steve Carell (of The 40 Year Old Virgin) as Mark Richt (Georgia)



Other than a few early brain farts, these guys are extremely likeable. The kind of guy that any Mom would wants their daughter to bring home.

They're both just your average, wholesome, Leave It To Beaver-esque, white guys. They aren't fat, they don't have big ears, and they don't have an alcoholic past. They're not banging the secretary, they would never be caught dead in at The Cheetah, and they're not known to fly off the handle. They don't ruffle any feathers and, for the most part, they treat people with respect. Ok, they're a little too likeable.

In a nut shell, they're damn boring.

This Is Deep South Football for Pete's sake! Give me something to work with here!

I even went as far as to ask Tennessee and Florida fans (Georgia's Most Hated Rivals, mind you) for some scathing gossip or angle to "hate on" Richt. If anybody has the goods on Marky Mark it's his SEC East Rivals, right?

Nope. Nadda. Everybody loves the guy.

He's damn near untouchable.

One Florida fan offered, "He has twin sisters if that helps any..."

While a fun fact, it's not exactly what I was looking for. Then, a UT fan even made allusions to Richt's Divinity.

"According to the Davinci Code he had a wife and children on the side"

So much for the whole Virgin thing.



Harvey Keitel as Rich Brooks (Kentucky)



Rich Brooks used to do some quality work, just like our friend Harvey. Unfortunately, as of late, they've both found that it's kinda difficult to craft a masterpiece working with pure human waste.

Brooks spent damn near two decades of his life slaving away to make The University of Oregon respectable (as respectable as a non-USC Pac-10 team can be), and he even led the Ducks to The Rose Bowl.

Yeah,it's all been down hill from there.

A couple of years with The St Louis Rams, a couple years with The Falcons, Yadda Yadda, Blah, Blah, he's out of the game for a few years.

Ah, Retirement...

Then... The University of Kentucky comes calling...

HANG UP, COACH! Hang Up!

Why Coach Brooks ever put down the crossword and picked up that call, we may never know.

Talk about your lose-lose situations. You know it's bad when the guy you're replacing left for The Baylor Bears!

Geez, even Bear Bryant couldn't take the heat in Lexington.

What the hell? Brooks thinks he's f'n Better Than The Bear?

What?!?

whoa...Sorry about that. I've been living in "The Heart of Dixie" a little too long I guess...

Anyway, both men seem to live in a constant state of intestinal discomfort which is prominently displayed in their facial expressions. It appears that either the sun is perpetually in their eyes, or this afternoon's chimmichangas are getting unruly. Possibly both...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that taking the top job in Kentucky Football is kinda like eating spicy Mexican food on a hot, sunny day. The results are uncomfortable, stanky, and extremely unprofessional.



Robert Patrick (T-1000) as Steve Spurrier



When I was a young lad, I was forbade to watch R-rated movies. My ultra conservative Mother made this very clear, and though I didn't understand the reasons, I obeyed. Unless I was a out of the house. Then all was fair game.

It was one such night, at my Catholic Cousin's home in Tullahoma, TN, when I first witnessed T2 in all it's cinematic glory. I then realized what my Mother was trying to shelter me from:

Unadulterated evil, violence and harsh language were as natural as breathing!

As great as it seemed, I knew it was wrong, and I realized just how ruthless and freaky movies can be. I mean, that T-1000 was just a walking nightmare!

A heartless killing machine that will do anything to win...

Then It hit me...how could I have been so blind?

My Mom should have been more worried about me watching Steve Spurrier's brand of Florida Football than these silly R rated movies!

Starting early in the 90s, fear had a new face, and a visor.

A foe that, despite his slight physical appearance, routinely brought tough guys/Defensive Coordinators to their knees.

Spurrier came out of nowhere to quickly become a thing of legend. He regularly concurred the SEC East, and made the rest of us look like fight scene extras from a Jackie Chan movie.

Once you think you had him pegged, he would just morph, shift gears and run one through your gut. Gruesome, I know.

Before you even knew what hit you...Wham! It's over. It was a real ugly scene for a while.

Then, when we finally think we've seen the last of this SOB (NFL/frozen with chilled nitrogen), he reunited and went straight back to whooping ass!


For that poor player's sake, I hope that's chilled nitrogen


Michael Moore (Fahrenheit 9-11) as Philip Fulmer (Tennessee)



One Man is the most hated figure in Southeastern Conference Football. The other man is the most hated political figure in The Deep South.

However, neither man has seen their respective equipment since The Kennedy Assassination.

That's right, they are huge, chunky fatasses! It doesn't get much more spot on than this, folks. No detailed explanation needed.

This one is a deal breaker. If we can't get Michael Moore on board, this film is off!

Close your eyes and imagine tons-of-fun, Michael Moore walking the sidelines in a big orange moomoo windbreaker and a block "T": hat.

Perfection!


He's just big boned


Steve Martin as Bobby Johnson (Vanderbilt)



Much like Rich Brooks/Harvey Keitel, these two haven't had much to work with lately, but to their credit, they keep trying. Like a threat of military action from The French Government, nobody really takes these guys seriously. Vandy doesn't even have an athletic department, and Martin hasn't made a palatable movie since "The Father of the Bride."In true hopeless, Steve Martin fashion, in 2005 Johnson and Vandy were poised to make it to their first bowl game since The Civil War... but they f'ed it up by losing to Middle Tennessee State University. Boooo!Yes, MTSU. B.J. beats Tennessee in Knoxville and loses to Middle Tennessee at home.

What a jerk!


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