Wednesday, June 25

The TurtleMan is Your Diddy

And here I thought Kige Ramsey was my true Kentucky role model, but how can you not idolize a fella who attempts not to smile too much cause he got his "teeth knocked out by a chainsaw." If you ever had a doubt that The South was gonna rise again, then you could learn a thing or two from The Turtleman...

[1 Rodimus Prime @ Nafoom]

Yeah...I'm calling Bulls**t

The fact that anyone could think this was real makes me fear for the future of America. These are the same people that send you the forward where Bill Gates is tracking emails and stroking thousand dollar checks ("well, it can't hurt, can it?") ...These are the same people who send the exiled prince of Taintsylvania their account numbers ("he seems so nice!")

Tuesday, June 24

Saban Frees Up Another Scholarship, Process Continues

Johns, Jimmy Wesley

100081495TR071697103/04/2008Seat Belt Required
100081496TR071697203/04/2008Driving While Suspended
$20,000.001Poss of Cocaine
$20,000.005Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}
$20,000.006Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}
$20,000.002Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}
$20,000.003Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}
$20,000.004Unlaw dist. cont. substance {13A-12-211} {Class: 2F}

[tuscaloosa county sherrif's office, arrest database]
[ story]
[ESPN - Bama linebacker Johns charged with selling cocaine, possessing Ecstasy]

Saban sits in his home-office tapping his finger-tips together, Mr. Burns style, as he unleashes a maniacal, Napoleonic laugh.

"THOSE IMBECILES! I told those newspaper imbeciles that these scholarships were taken care of, DIDN'T I! Ha Ha Ha! What's the loss of a few bricks from my personal stash? There's more yayo where that came from. Don't worry your pretty little head, Ter-Bear. And to think, he was so easily and seamlessly framed. What can I say? I'm THE KING OF THIS STATE!!! I'm the f&%king 4 Million Dollar Man! I'm Nick Saban, Bitch. Ha ha!

WHOOPS! So Sorry, Jimmy. Sorry you had to go down like that, but selfish, thuggish backups such as yourself are a-dime-a-dozen and easily disposed of.

TERRY...WHERE'S MY F*&KING GREY SPORT COAT!?! F%$k! I've gotta go do some "damage control" know trot out my classic "Relative to Character and The Process" speech and blame it on Shula. HA HA HA HAAAAAA! I F*$KING LOVE MYSELF!"

UPDATE: "And poof. Just like that, he's gone." via ESPN...

It didn't take Alabama coach Nick Saban long to react; he dismissed Johns immediately.

"This type of behavior obviously will not be tolerated, and he is no longer a part of our program," Saban said in a statement.

Johns is the 10th Alabama football player arrested within the last year. (Not including "The Snake" RTR!!!!!1)

Monday, June 23

George Carlin Was Funny

Surprisingly, I didn't see this coming. At 71, George Carlin is dead of heart failure. Yeah, he did a ton of drugs and made a lot of people extremely uncomfortable over the years, but he was most often insightful, relevant and damn funny.

To remember him fondly, laugh at this classic Carlin bit on "modern language" (naturally, he cusses a good bit):

Friday, June 20

How Does the Cream of the LSU Fanbase Tailgate the Summer Away?

Note to Self: Cancel vacation to Lake Maurepas, Louisiana then punch thyself in the face. Damn, this video gives me the willies. Nice mullet, Mom and equally excellent parenting. Also, who's the horn-dog creepster-trash working the camera? Hell. I wonder what the urine content of the water is near that sand bar. At least they're "keepin' it real" with the LSU flavored Rebel Battle Flag.

Congrats on your life, a-holes.

Wednesday, June 18

What Do Bama Fans Have That Auburn Fans Don't?

On the left, you'll see a boring white, understated Auburn truck, but on the right, you can't help but notice a kick-ass, semi-professionally air-brushed Tider truck. Even so, what really separates the Auburn man from the Alabama man? (Lets look a little closer...)

Yeah, That's Right (click to enlarge)

Balls. Bama fans have balls. And they're more than happy to share them with you on a classy, traditional way, of course. The ole slippery scarlet scrotum trick. Good One, Tider. Would you expect anything less from a fan with 12 National Championships? Thank you, Anonymous Bama Fan...I'd follow you anywhere. It is, in fact, "Time ^^^ To Roll!"

This, my fellow Americans, is why you should always be ready to snap candid pictures of SEC wildlife at a moment's notice. My wife actually captured these amazing images on I-65 in Birmingham on our return from the beach. I've heard rumors of other SEC fanbases with similar awesomeness, but for some reason, I only have eyes for The Tide. If you've got something of merit, please, don't hesitate to share! By gawd, we'll make it through this summer somehow. (crappy Farks need not apply)

Tuesday, June 17

WTF Youtubery

And this is actually somewhat football related. First time I watched this video, I thought something had gone terribly wrong. Seizures can be such a bitch...

Damn. Somebody just got served. Wow. Get Low, Ladies. They're working that ramp like it owes them money. I bet those girls get all kinds of ass.

From my extensive research, these young ladies appear to be Jackson State "J-settes." For the love of all that's holy, why can't Bruno visit JSU? Endless potential. Mostly, I just want to see Sasha Baron Cohen leading a Ramp kick.

[J-settin' - It's not just for adults anymore]

Monday, June 16

Jay Barker Marries Country Star over the Weekend, Works Monday Morning

Jay has obviously enrolled in the Tim McGraw School of Fashion

That's dedication. Jay was a little out of it on the radio this morning. Who wouldn't be, working the Monday after thier wedding on Saturday? WTF? (apparently he came in early and left at 8:30) Here's the best part of the wedding writeup in People...

"It was really very elegant, but Sara wanted it to feel like you were at her house," says friend and wedding planner Traci Phillips of The Perfect Party.

The bride and groom had their first dance to Chris Brown's "With You" and the 145 guests – including Sheryl Crow – boogied beneath a canopy of strung lights to a collection of R&B and pop hits spun by a deejay.

Yeah. Nothing says "elegant," Franklin farm wedding like a first dance to Chris Brown. ("I need ya boo...Gotta see ya boo"...When did Nashville become Hollywood Light?) Seriously, congrats to Jay, but I may not be first inline for his new single featuring Nelly.

Thursday, June 12

Bama Fan of the Week

more bad news for Tider Nation

I was out last week, so consider this payback. Bless you, Matt for bestowing upon us this unbelievably predicable true life Bammer story. That's right! Another Crimson brother in trouble with the Po-lice. This from the Mobile Press-Register:

Robbery suspect leaves license
Thursday, June 12, 2008

Staff Report Authorities say a man who stole money Tuesday from a Grand Bay convenience store left behind some incriminating evidence — his drivers license.

Kenneth Lane Holliday gave a clerk at the Korner Quick Stop on Old Pascagoula Road his license in order to turn on the gasoline pump and get gasoline at about 8 p.m., Mobile County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Kate Johnson said in a news release. A few minutes later, he came back in the store with a handgun and demanded money from the clerk. He took the money, Johnson said, but left behind his Alabama drivers license.

Johnson said Holliday fled the store in an unidentified vehicle. He was last seen driving east on Old Pascagoula Road, she said.

Holliday is described as a 50-year-old white male, 5 feet 9 inches tall, weighing 170 pounds, with blue eyes and blond hair. He was wearing a red University of Alabama T-shirt during the robbery. (RTR!!!!) Johnson said the clerk was able to identify Holliday because he frequents the gas station and "is on a first-name basis with the clerk."

Anyone with information should call the Mobile County Sheriff's Office at 574-8633.


You know what they say about the best laid plans...Not exactly Jessie James are we, Kenneth? In fact, it's been a pretty rough week all together for Tider Kenneths in LA (lower Alabama).

Hmmm, come to think of it..."White male in his 50s , 5 feet 9 inches tall, weighing 170 pounds, with blue eyes and blond hair." If only he was shitfaced, then It might be another Alabama QB from the 70s. Or, slightly more likely... just another methed out, "friend of the University" asshole. We're ate up with em in these parts.

Eff Dale's...Grill Your Steak Like A Man

How to Avoid Tailgating Douchebaggery

It has recently been brought to my attention that many men are still ruining perfectly good steaks with so called "marinades" (we're not in college anymore kids, least I'm not). If you're grilling anything better than than a top sirloin from Wal-Mart, you shant be "marinating" in the typical 18 year old frat boy style. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's a time and place for the dishonest "Dale's" types marinades of the world, just not in my home. As for me and my house, we will serve the beef. Straight up. Kinda...

Personally, give me an inch-and-a-half cut ribeye from a reputable butcher or high end grocery store (It's not like you do this every week, so who give a crap if you drop $15-20 on the best steak of your damn life?). I like to get my steaks to room temperate, so leave them covered and out of the fridge for an hour or two before cooking, if possible. First, rub in just enough extra virgin to cover the thing. After 15-20 minutes, I apply a generous layer of sea salt. When I say generous, I damn near coat the sumabitch, then I work it into the meat a little bit by hand. ("They" say you don't get all the sodium intake after grilling, and I want to believe that) My goal with all the salt is to create a crusty, salt infused layer. Then I add a less generous layer of cracked black pepper. Much less pepper than salt, howevermake it pretty obvious. That's about it for the "marinade"

As far as the grilling...I get that charcoal (don't even talk to me about "gas") as hot as it will go (preferably 500+) and sear the shit out of 'em, 1 minute per side. Then the tough part: remove the steaks from the grill and let them sit at room temperature for 15-20 minutes. Just try makes the meat oh so tender (especially with lesser cuts). Then, I cook at mediumish heat for 4-8 minutes a side depending on thickness. (note: I like 'em rare as possible within the bounds of safety, of course) Remove the steak from the grill (without puncturing the damn thing) and allow it to sit at room temp for another few minutes before molestation. That's pretty much it. That's my recipe for pure salty, steak respecting goodness. None of this soy flavored shenanigans.

Wednesday, June 11

Mindless Morning Youtubery

Fun With LARPers

If you're not hip to the LARPing scene (Live Action Role Playing, of course) then you really need to bone up and get with it. This fella makes Kige Ramsey look like Tyler Durden... - Watch more free videos

[Credit: holytaco]
[best LARP video ever]

Tuesday, June 10

Bama Fan of the Week

Fat, drunk and sleeveless is no way to go though life, kid

Got a Little Bama in You? The above pic is one I snapped at the SEC Baseball tournament a few weeks ago. This Tider was strangely cheering wildly for LSU and against Ole Miss. It must be a "brotherhood of Saban" thing. What a lucky boy. My dad never showed off his guns with such reckless abandon like this stud.

If you or someone you know's got a little Tider in 'em, why not share the crimson pride and tradition with the world? Better yet, just submit a pic of somebody you don't reader Brandon did:

Rexy's bringin sexy back

Looks like somebody misplaced their beard trimmer last time they were at the gym. Yeah...I know. Thanks to Brandon for submitting this gem (allegedly named Rex Robbins)...I'd dare say this is a "strong" to "quite strong" contender for Bama fan of the Year. He's just so lovable and rotund. That Tider blanket looks like it's been around the block a few times too. Maybe since '92? (RTR!!!) If only that tattered blanket could talk, oh the stories. Nice lamp, asshole.

[pic lifted from: sessionsisasissy - it's 10 shades of "WTF?"]

Monday, June 9

Mindless Morning Youtubery

You ever had one of those days at the office when you want to bust a co-worker in the head with your freakin keyboard, then toss your monitor at some gosh damn stupid lady's face? ... No?

Office Worker Goes Absolutely Insane - Watch more free videos

[Rebhead @]

What Does it Take to Fire a Bama Legend?

What an effing embarrassment. Kenny "The Drunk" Stabler earns his 3rd DUI in 13 years:

Kenny Stabler, former football star for the University of Alabama and the Oakland Raiders, was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence early Sunday in Robertsdale.

Around 1 a.m. Sunday, Stabler was pulled over for a traffic offense on Alabama 59 and charged with a DUI, said Brian Middleton, assistant chief of police for the Robertsdale Police Department.

Stabler spent the night in jail and was released on bond 12 hours after the arrest, Middleton said. His bond had been set at $1,000.

Prior to Sunday's arrest, Stabler had been charged with DUI on at least two previous occasions. In 2001, he pleaded guilty to drunken driving after being arrested in Orange Beach. Stabler entered that plea as part of a deal whereby the police dropped drug and reckless driving charges. Also, in 1995, the former quarterback pleaded no contest to a DUI charge in Escambia County, Fla.

A class act, that Kenny. What is the deal with UAT's "legendary" honkey quarterbacks? I'm pretty sure if you look up "dirtbag" in the dictionary you'd see a picture of "The Snake" Stabler (see also: "I wanna kiss you"). How dysfunctional do you have to be at sixty-three-gosh-damn-years-of-age to rack up your third shitfaced moving violation (or SMV) since you qualified for membership in the AARP?

This asshat needs help. Mental and emotional assistance. He certainly doesn't need to be an on-air role model for the rest of our great state's drunken rednecks...reliving old Pell City High School badassery and driving the streets near me at 1am on a Sunday.

In many states, multiple DUIs in a 5-7 year period constitute a felony. That makes things a tad bit harder to find a job, much less keep one. This begs the question, what does it take for a legendary ole drunk to get fired from his/her obnoxious color-man gig at UAT? (Paging Jay Barker) And how many times did this college and NFL legend have to drive drunk and get pulled over in the last fifteen years before he got hauled in on three extremely separate occasions? He's practically a god on the gulf coast. ("it's them sumabitch Barner cops again")

If The University of Alabama does not sever its business ties with such an obvious, potentially felonious cancer such as Kenny Stabler, then it will do nothing less than perpetuate the already rock solid insinuation that The University of BAMA is the poster child for the morally and ethically ass-backward, good-ole-boy Deep South.

Free The Snake...again. And RTR!!!

Sunday, June 1

Beach Week 2008

Not that I update this thing worth a damn in the summer, but even so, I thought I owed it to you to tell you I'll be in hittin' up 30A, Seagrove beach for then next week. Take care, and for mild entertainment, check out some of the "labels" from DSS past. (They're listed on the right under "Livin' in the past" near the bottom) Thanks, and have a fantastic week, a-hole. I'll pour one out for you at The Red Bar. XOXO.