Friday, August 29

College Football Season + 1 Thoughts

Teams that look damn good:

Wake Forest - (41-13 over Baylor) The fact that this tiny, no-footballcentric-history havin' school is a pre-season Top 25er is damn impressive in itself. They showed why last night. Skinner threw three TDs to zero picks (all with his clothes on), Swank, the kicker, was 2 of 2....The Deacons scored double digits in each quarter save the fourth. Grobe's boys just put up efficient offense. Yeah, it was Baylor, but the Bears are no Sun-belt bitches. Wake has earned every bit of respect they will receive this season with great coaching and smart play. If Ole Miss doesn't kick Memphis' ass this weekend, look for some extreme uglyness next week when the Rebs visit Winston-Salem.

Georgia Tech - (41-14 over Jax St.) I'd say Techies have to be happy with what they saw last night in Paul Johnson's debut (my #1 "Real Coach" of 2007's coaching search). Typically, you want to put up half-a-hundred on these D-IAA schools, and GT was on pace with 27 points in the first half (yeah, they kinda backed off in the second, what of it?) Sidenote: Even so, Tech wasn't playing your typical lower division, no-talent-ass-clowns. Perrilloux played mediocre-like with two TDs and two picks, 22-37 for 136? (that has to be the worst per-pass average evah: 6.18 yards per completion???) Well, hope young Ryan's enjoying like in the middle of effing nowhere (and that's by Alabama standards).

Miami - (52-7 over Charleston Southern) I don't know too much about this game, but Miami won a game like a Miami team should over a lowly D-IAA opponent. Next week is the true test when tha thUgs roll into Gainesville for a sampling of SEC speed and Tebow badassery. Sidenote: Mountain Brook's own Tribble Reese threw the Charleston Southern's only TD in this game. (what an aptly named "brookie")

In closing, I want to say, screw ESPN and their box scores. The one consistent thing that people still come to your crapass site for and you go and screw it up (God forbid we actually trust you with opinion, much less factual information). Now, the scores default to show you only games that are on the "ESPN Networks." Well eff you, you money grubbing, ignorant sluts. CBS sportsline, you had me at hello.

Enjoy the rest of this blessed weekend. I'll be in Memphis and Oxford for the debut of the Powetron HD and The Houston Nutt experience. Reports next week on all the action and my SEC Power Poll.

Thursday, August 28

Nothing Says "Check out My New Jumbotron" Like "Finding Nemo"

Ole Miss is actually preparing to use their 6 Million dollar, Largest HD TV in the SEC (for at least half-a-season, asshole) by testing annimated Disney DVDs on that sumabitch. Maybe's it's an omage to ESPN's parent company for dropping 2.25 B-b-b-Billion on the SEC for broadcasting rights. Only at Ole Miss...

If there's one thing I know, it's that college football fans and animated Disney movies go together like Kige Ramsey and the bitches.


Wednesday, August 20

SEC Coaches Power Poll

shots on Shelley, not literally, dirtbag

As part of Garnet and Black Attack's 2nd annual SEC POWER POLL, we, the members, will obviously be completely unbiasedly ranking the SEC teams 1-12 this season. HOWEVER, to start this thing off right, "cocknfire" has asked us, his colleagues, to rank the coaches from 1 thru 12. It's a Herculean task, but eff it. I've got spare time.


1. Urban Meyer - The compete package. He's so good it's scary. Recruiting, gameplanning, improv, motivation, media savvy. If only I could get his sissified crying out of my head.

2. Mark Richt - Had to learn on the job, but it's finally coming together for him. Richt's in his prime. The kind of coach you wouldn't mind taking home to Momma, if you're into that sort of thing. About as polished and poised as they come.

3. Tommy Tuberville - Big Game Badass. Squeezes the most out of his players. Wins with a smart defense, but historically has trouble developing the passing game (obviously, set to change in '08) Prone to occasional game-long mental-farts (see: '08 UGA, South Florida, or MSU)

4. Steve Spurrier - Still a great football mind, just not playing with the stacked deck he inherited at UF in the 90's. Appears to loathe all aspects of CFB other than play-calling the offense. Gamecock experiment growing old? Didn't vote for Duke for the first time this season because he apparently hates David Cutcliffe.

5. Les Miles - Hate to say it, but this guy just wins football games. Can't too much argue with that. He may very well be a prickly dumb prick, just with Gump-like luck, but he's certainly doing something right. I know, he's got more talent than Marisa Miller, but still. That'll only get you so far. Even back at OK State he was doing big things with far less.

6. Nick Saban - If this were "most powerful" or "best recruiter" or even "inverse height-to-ego ratio" Saban would be numero uno. However, Nick's overall coaching leaves tons to be desired. In fact, his recruiting is pretty much the only good thing I can say about him. Discipline? In Game skills? Motivation? He's not exactly lighting the world on fire when it comes to actual football between the hedges in T-town. (to borrow one of his favorite preachy words) At least not relative to expectations.

7. Houston Nutt - Now here's the polar opposite of Nick Saban. A man of the people...loves the media, loves his coaches and his players. Even loves to motivate...except he couldn't give two shits about recruiting. He's very comparable to Tuberville in this regard. Consummate winner of the "does more with less" award. Great football mind and surrounds himself with quality assistants. Never gonna ascend these rankings until he starts to take it all a little more serious.

8. Phillip Fulmer - Has-been. Football is passing Phil by. Has the keys to one of the SEC's proudest programs yet he continues to fart around and crap the bed. Tons of talent, but little leadership. Consistent winner of the "does less with more" award. How many more seasons will a 10-year-old Championship buy you on Rocky Top?

9. Bobby Petrino - His record says a lot, but that's little league, Big East stuff. Give me a season against big boy defenses (SEC speed, bitch) before I move him anywhere up this list.

10. Rich Brooks - What can I say, Kentucky's no joke anymore. When you take a perennial laughingstock and in due time develop a team that takes out the eventual national champions on the road. That's effing saying something. But Rich has yet to move the Wildcats past the Music City Bowl.

11. Bobby Johnson - Look, he's obviously a pretty good coach, and going to a bowl with Vandy is the equivalent of winning the National title with LSU, but every time he gets a legitimate chance at, well legitimacy, his team craps itself. Sure, go beat Georgia, Tennessee and Ole Miss...then lose to Middle Tennessee. Can't give you too much credit Bob.

12. Sly Crooms - received every lucky break a coach could get last year to finish 8-5 (read: State won every close game) Don't expect that to happen two years in a row. Yeah, time for Croom to get Munsoned a time or two. Oh yeah, State has yet to field an offense under this former NFL offensive coordinator.

SEC vs. The Big Ten

Ryan Parker, King of all football-centric musicians (an elite group), declares a victor in this age old battle, and despite what ESPN/ABC/Disney would tell you, The Big Ten better get it's ass in the kitchen and make The SEC a sandwich, STAT! (that's right I said it, asshole)

Parker's latest brought a tear to my eye. A very convincing and passionately delivered piece. Strong work, Bradyfan...

[HT: The new and improved]

Tuesday, August 19

The Kige Party

I think it's pretty obvious that I haven't been "on the blogging ball" lately, and for that I apologize. Some developments in the non-online world are keeping me away for the moment (should have some preseason-esque content arriving soon).

I feel as if I've hit a blogging wall...who can I relate to in times such as these?

In this quagmire I find myself, I take a deep breath and turn to Kige Ramsey. He's like Dave Ramsey, but useful. Here's one of Kige's recent late night, Olympic updates where he teaches us viewers how to push through the tough spots... How to rebound with grace and dignity firmly intact. Nothing fazes this guy.

I think of Kige as "a Scotch man"

Wednesday, August 13

Man Love Don't Rule, OK?

These fancy Brits think they can come thru Alabama and have a jolly good laugh at our expense? I'll let the boys handle this...

tears of pride

Tuesday, August 12

Bama Fan of the Week - Ob-la-de, Ob-la-da!

Joey Barrett Jr.

Remember this stud?

On November 18th, 2005, the night before the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama, Joey Barrett, Jr., a lifelong Alabama fan and now 25, went to a fraternity party at Auburn and yelled “Roll Tide!” A brawl then broke out, with Barrett stabbing one of the fraternity brothers.

The brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung. Two others who were lucky enough not to get stabbed were also hospitalized.
Yeah, well somehow, almost three years later, Joey's still making his UAT brethren proud. As The Sporting Blog and reported, not only is Joeseph a stabby, mixed marshal arts douchebag...He also bribes retarded people. [letting that thoroughly sink in] Quite the resume builder...

The defense attorney in the 2006 trial told jurors that Louie Holtz, now 40, of Mobile, would admit to get ting caught up in the fight and testify that it was he, not Barrett, who stabbed the fraternity brothers. The judge in the case, however, ordered Holtz to secure counsel, noting that Holtz had previously been declared mentally retarded.

Holtz's attorneys subsequently advised him not to testify.

Because the jurors had already heard that someone else was going to admit to the stabbings, however, the judge declared a mistrial. Abbett said investigation into the case continued after the trial, eventually revealing that Barrett had offered Holtz a car in exchange for taking the heat on the assault charges.

OK, this wasn't just incredibly, dreadfully god-awful, but it seems pretty feeble-minded to me. Can retarded folk even drive? It's kinda like trying to bribe me with free birth control pills or a Boeing 747. Not so fast, Tider!

Wonder what Corky thinks about this mess...

In related news, how amazing is it that the special dude's name is Lou Holtz?

Why Do People Talk Smack About Memphis?

My hometown always gets a bad rap. Here, watch some local news, and you'll see what nice, Christian families and Fortune 500 companies have grown to love about The Bluff City.

I've killed for less; Burr's expensive

Monday, August 11


This morning, I had some extra freedom toast with my cereal. In a few hours, I'll be at Milo's eating my hamburger and freedom fries, like a true American. Biggie sized, asshole. That's how we do.

Seriously. Most amazing Olympic moment since 1980? I think so. But I'm partial. Check out this HD screencap youtubes and see if you don't feel proud to be a Gosh Damn American:

(thank the video Nazis at NBC for the high embeddable version I could find)

Update: Apparently Youtube hates freedom, so I went elsewhere.

Thursday, August 7

Deep Thoughts

A thinking man's game

Who says College Football fans aren't high-functioning? This...This is downright philosophical.

When asked "why does the defense always seems to dominate the offense in the early days of fall camp?"...

"The goal of the defense is disruption, while the goal of offense is organization. It's just a whole helluva lot easier to create havoc than to prevent it."

- EtOHreb

That's just good internet. Well stated, sir. I think we, as college football fans, can apply this quote to all aspects of our lives. You're welcome.

Guess Who the Media Has Slated for the BCS

Get Ready for the Same Old Shit

"Loading up for another title FAIL"

Eventually, they're gonna win one if given a-half-dozen chances...then we'll never hear the end of it (Vanderbilt might even win one if they were ushered into the BCS Championship game every year) Is the big 10 this weak? Has college football sold out to Kirk Herbstreit this much? Screw those guys. I'm already pissed and the season hasn't even started.

[Here's SI's Worthless Preseason Ranking of all 119]

Wednesday, August 6

Bama Fan of the Week?

Reader LSU-David sent us a lovely image from his vacation to the nuevo Redneck Riviera, Destin, FL.

His testimony claims these fine specimen are Tiders, and the evidence is extremely compelling. If only David could have walked by, raised a Busch light and proclaimed, "RTR, Baby!!!" for confirmation purposes...

clickage to enlarge

The Story, as told by LSU-David:

My wife, child and I got to the beach about 9:45am on this morning and proceeded to the two chairs and an umbrella that was provided by the rental. We noticed some rather interesting characters "erecting a tent" in our area and at the time they were wearing Alabama gear (hats and t-shirts).
After about an hour, the tent was up, the death metal blaring out of their "Dewalt" construction radio, and the bama gear came off! I guess they don't make a bama bikini! [houndstooth business venture?] 1:20 minutes into the events, they proceeded to light up cigarettes, within 20 feet of my two year old.

Wow. Thanks, David. Your MS Paint-work was just an added bonus. As brother Dave alluded to in the rest of his email, when the LSU fanbase is questioning your class, you might want lay down the filterless Pall-Malls and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

My Rant: Destin = PCB on Valtrax. The quaint little fishing village has developed into quite the bloated whore. The above imagery is the perfect example of why I've given up on this section of the beach. It's gone mainstream, and as the geniuses at Sweetwater says, "don't float the mainstream." Next thing you know, Destin's gonna pop up with it's own NHL team or something ("The Emerald Coast Trash-Kats?")

I used to frequent Destin in college, and it served it's purpose. But I've clearly matured (right?) and things locally have gone down hill, fast. I like my vacations a little more relaxing, less trafficy and disease free. I don't get enough days off to pay for Destin's crap.

[Another Tider classin-it-up at the beach]
[Loserswithsocks doing my work for me]

Tuesday, August 5

Better Call Your Bookie

Kige's Gone Public with His SEC Prognostications

Listen, I hate to go to the "Ramsey well" too often (if that's even possible) but this youtubes is hot off the press and it will not be ignored.

Kige is in mid-season form with tons of mini-helmets, suspenseful pauses and cheeky shenanigans! As one early commenter stated, "From 1:35 to 2:00 is the greatest 25 seconds in the history of the Kige Ramsey Show...." No Doubt.

Like I've said from day one, the sooner JP/LF/Raycom Sports gives Kige a permanent, on-air weekly gig...the better. He's the Dave Rowe of our generation.

Monday, August 4

Life Intrudes This Monday

I'm gonna be out of the blogging pocket until Tomorrow, Tuesday. Then I'll be back with some analysis of Friday's Finebaum show and the lovely aftermath.

Friday, August 1

Mr. Finebaum?

Today, at roughly 3:06 central, The Paul Finebaum Radio Network has requested a convo with yours truely concerning what I do in my free time (read: gardening!) as well as yesterday's groundbreaking "Bama Ain't Back in '08" piece. Be sure to tune in and hear me bumble and stumble through the entire segment.

It is my hope that Paul and I can be just as comfortable and candid as he and Saban were while chillin on lake Karle.

Listen at 94.5 FM in Central Alabama or online []

By the way, my time on Finebaum was brought to you by Razorgator. Razorgator is a ticket broker with over 30 years of service, and they provide tons of hard to get NFL and College Football tickets. So don't screw around when it comes to your SEC Football experience this fall. Get your tickets at Razorgator.