This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:
1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.
2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?
3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")
4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.
5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?
6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.
7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...
8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his
subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)
9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!
10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?
Don't worry though. Next year is the year.
Thursday, July 31
Wednesday, July 30
I think I'm really starting to get Kige on a much deeper level. This youtube is clearly not just about mega-corporate retail shopping. No, no. Read between the lines, people. Open your damn eyes and Behold... The enlightening brilliance of Ramsey...
enter and exit through lawn and garden?
Can I call Croom a P.O.S.? Is that acceptable? Maybe Croom's just playing the hand he was dealt...Maybe's it more the National/Regional/local media's brainwashed view of Crooms that pisses me off so.
From May 6th, 2008:
Brown and Wesley waived their right to a grand jury hearing and pleaded guilty last Friday to the felony of bringing firearms onto educational property. They faced up to three years in prison. Howard said Wesley's sentence was longer because he has a simple assault conviction on his record.
Brown and Wesley were arrested March 27 after an altercation that started off campus earlier in the day, then continued near several residence halls that evening.
Campus police Detective Don Bartlett "described it as a stare-down kind of deal," Clark said of testimony offered to Howard on Tuesday.
The two were kicked off the team and dismissed from the university soon after their arrests.
Three other players still face grand jury indictment for what coach Sylvester Croom has called an indirect connection to the cases of Brown and Wesley.(they were hiding the gun)
Croom told fans in Tupelo last week that former starting cornerback Anthony Johnson, reserve linebacker Jamon Hughes and reserve defensive lineman Rodney Prince are not enrolled in school. Hughes likely will transfer, while a spokesman said Johnson and Prince could still return to Mississippi State, depending on the outcome of the grand jury hearing in July.
Today, July 30, 2008:
STARKVILLE, Miss. – Mississippi State University re-admitted Bulldog football student-athletes Anthony Johnson, Rodney Prince and Jamon Hughes to the institution, it was announced Wednesday.The only consequence these boys will endure is the NCAA rule that requires you to sit a year after you voluntarily withdrawal from school (to avoid imminent expulsion????).You're right Crooms. These guys were only aiding and abetting a felony.
Johnson, Prince and Hughes had withdrawn from the university during the 2008 spring semester and were required to re-apply.
“I hope that all of our players have learned a valuable lesson from this situation,” Croom said, “and understand there are consequences of making bad decisions and choices."
Way to keep your rep, brah.
From now on I'm on a mission. Let this be a warning...Any joke-of-a-national/regional/local journalist who mentions "Croom" and "Discipline" or "Character" or "Example" or even "Strong Black Man" in the same sentence, I will hunt you down. I will hunt you down and give you the crippling nut-punch you so obviously deserve. I am a man of character.
PREEMPTIVE WARNING: No one is saying that numerous schools don't do this same shit. They surely do, (some more desperate than others) however those other offenders typically aren't constantly pretending to be some bastion of "high character" and "discipline."
An oldie but a goodie from beautiful "Disgusta," Gawga. Welcome to the Summers in tha DeepSouth, my brotha...
[HT: Rob, for reminding me]
EDIT: To add a double dose of Gawga thuggery. Many of you've seen this one, but there ain't no way I couldn't not include this in my Peach State feature. Only in SEC Country. Go Braves.
Could be a crackhead?
[HT: James & Burton Bulldog]
Tuesday, July 29
Here Jerrell is seen with some stupid, skinny white kid (most likely a walk-on)
While this is obviously earth shattering news in North Mississippi (and very few points beyond!) I can see the turdulent signage now (take this post's title for example).
Ole Miss fans are akin to that Inigo Montoya dude from The Princess Bride. After four years of trial, tribulation, and illiteracy scandals, now that Jerrell Powe has been cleared to play SEC Football, most Reb fans don't know what the hell to do with their various lives. What partisan, college-football-related injustice should they champ'yun?
Let's be honest here. The fans just want to see this 6'2" 330 lb offensive-line-decimating beast-child get a fair shot at a decent education, right?
My favorite quote from Rivals:
"Anybody ready for a Powe-boy sandwich?" Does Jerrell have a brother? Where do I sign on for this?
Thursday, July 24
EDSBS and The Sporting Blog's Spencer Hall is doing his thing at SEC Media Days. Here, Spence encounters one of the many Tiders that make the yellowhammer state so damn special.
399 effing dollars?!? I wonder what the Mike Shula prints are going for in the discount bin at Bammer Fever?
Oh, and just because I'm gonna be out of town starting tomorrow, I'm feeling generous...Keep the Bama party going with this stud...
Huh. didn't know Bama had Canadian fans. What's more kick ass? Custom jorts or a custom jean jacket?
"Welcome to Mississippi State, Freshmen! Sit back and relax as this motivational douche bag teaches you, in the most annoyingly white way possible, about our rich tradition of straight thuggery..."
Wednesday, July 23
Free Jerrell. Seriously...How bout an "A" for effort?
Why write a spring preview of 2007's worst team in the SEC when everything has already been said? As you will notice, Ole Miss is going to see a few more changes than just the Largest HD Jumbo-tron in the SEC.*
The Rebs will be sportin' a new coaching staff, a new Parade All-American quarterback, a new "5-star" running back, and maybe, maybe even an on-the-field, not just stirring the Gatorade, but playing actual SEC football, JERRELL EFFING POWE.
That's right. Jerrell is 21 and about to ostensibly rock the SEC True Freshman world. No, he didn't just return from a Mormon mission to Djibouti or a tour in Iraq...He was just waitin' out the clearly doomed Ed Orgeron era, all-the-while learning his ABCs and shit. (Seriously though, big time, honest rumors say Powe's in like Flynn. All 330 pounds of him)
So, all things considered, what are the experts** saying about Houston's Rebs?
First, the only legitimate expert in my book: Phil Steele
Two seasons ago, I remember my damn near outrage and disgust as Phil Steele attempted to justify Arkansas in his preseason Top 15 after two consecutive losing seasons. Turns out, the hawgs managed 10 straight wins, 7-1 in the SEC and a spot in Atlanta representing The West. That's because Phil effing Steele's forgot more college football than the average fan (that includes the writers at Athlon and Lindy's) ever damn knew. Turns out Phil's a big believer in upperclassman leadership and returning starters, and The 2006 Razorbacks had them in spades.
As for Ole Miss 2008, Steele is slightly optimistic:
- 18 Returning Starters
- Overall, #37 in The Nation (compared to the no-research retards at Athlon's #69)
- 6th in the SEC as a whole (a vast improvement over 12th)
- Top 10 "Most Improved" Nationally
- 15th Best OL Nationally
- 20th Best DL Nationally (that's without The Powe)
- Predicted Music City Bowl
...And one that blows me away - Enrique Davis - (True Freshman RB) - 2nd Team All-SEC
Ok, enough with the magazine pushers. What is Vegas [covers.com] saying about Ole Miss' 2008 offering?
"The Ole Miss Rebels are easy to overlook among the titans of the SEC, but with the arrival of Houston Nutt as the new head coach in Oxford, there is a legitimate reason to believe that this team could get a lot better very soon...Hmmm...Don't pop a broner just yet. So we've heard from the Sin City Impartials, but what does a semi-informed Ole Miss homer have to say?
...Snead has already been selected SEC Newcomer of the Year by Blue Ribbon College Football Yearbook (for whatever that's worth) and he's got all the tools - a strong arm and good mobility out of the pocket - to become a standout in a league full of top-notch ballplayers.
And Snead should be fairly well protected behind an offensive line anchored by senior left tackle Michael Oher, who is predicted to be one of the first lineman taken in next year's NFL draft...
...One of the biggest improvements comes in the form of a five-star running back recruit who was courted by almost every SEC coach, but chose to follow Nutt to Oxford. Enrique Davis broke a verbal commitment with Auburn to go to Ole Miss and at 6-foot-1, 210 pounds, the kid has the size and the blazing speed to become the next Darren McFadden.
And just to keep defenses on their toes, Nutt will have a nice secondary option in the backfield with sophomore tailback Cordera Eason who has thoroughly impressed his new coaches this spring....
...And don't worry about the adjustment period with this team. Nutt is capable of making an immediate improvement when he takes over a program. In his first year at the helm at Arkansas in 1998, the Razorbacks were picked to finish last in the SEC West but they ran to a 9-3 record and an appearance in the Citrus Bowl.
So consider this a gift from Covers.com to you, well in advance of the football season. Keep an eye on Ole Miss pointspreads this year because there's sure to be some great chances to capitalize on this team on the rise."
These bits of tid come to us via... "One of my good friends is a manager on the team and has been since last season. Last season, he told me we'd be lucky to win 4 games. He was pretty close. So the fact that he's optimistic makes me very optimistic. This is a C&P of our convo from Facebook."
"QB: Jevan Snead- top 5 SEC qb, top 3 in my opinion... Has all the tools to win big, and has a chip on his shoulder to prove himself... Was ranked top qb with Tebow, and Stafford in high school, but now gets his chance to prove himself... Freshman Nathan Stanley will be next in line and he has potential, but we are really thin here.[nafoom.com]
RB: Enrique Davis looks like a greek god working out, but i've yet to see him in action. If he is good as advertised, he will be a top SEC rb...Cordera is good, but i dont know if he is capable of being a top SEC rb...A freshman to look out for is Brandon Bolden...looks really impressive for a freshman
WR: Probably best overall in the SEC as a unit. We are returning everyone here. McCluster will have a break out year if he can stay healthy...The coaches love him...Hodge is a beast, and Wallace is the fastest WR in the SEC.
OL: Has huge potential but really has to improve from the spring. Oher coming back was huge, and really we have some big veterans that should make a good steady SEC OL...But improvement is needed
DL: Possibly could be best in Nation and SEC... Hardy, P.Jerry, Powe, Tillman, Lockett, Laurent, new juco Emanuel Stephens should anchor it down very well... Still no final word on Powe but he should be good... I mean he goes to school and works out just like everyone else...If Powe gets in, they will be scary good, I mean him and peria jerry on the inside will dominate and pull many double teams leaving hardy to fly on the outside.
LB: The worst unit besides qb of last year but really should improve a lot. Ashlee Palmer has already proven he is a top SEC lb and with a healthy Cornell in the middle, and the addition of Patrick Trahan (auburns best lb his freshman year, went to NWCC) they should be a solid starting unit...Alen Walker, Tony Fein will be very good back ups.
DB: easily our weakest unit.. Saftey will be ok with Jamarca and Johny Brown, but corner was weak during the spring... but with moving Marshay to corner, he worked really hard and actually really looked good... i see marshay starting and C. Vaughn and Mouzon battling for the other spot
-Jevan Snead is by far the best qb i've ever witnessed in person [not saying a whole lot for a guy who's been at OM for two seasons]. He has a strong arm, quick, and really smart.... He has to adjust to Nutt's and Austin's offense because he has always run the spread, but he is smart enough and good enough to do it. If Snead goes down, all bets are off, cuz that would be a disaster.
-The Wake Forrest game is the deciding factor between winning 6 games and 9 games in my opinion. I am really optomistic this year, probably a little to much but oh well. If we beat wake, that will probably put us 4-0 rolling into Florida, and Jevan hates Tebow [hmmmm...very interesting indeed] and he has this game circled...
-I really see us probably going 8-4 or 9-3 with losses to florida(away), alabama(away), lsu(away), and possibly auburn(home)
-If we lose to wake or if Jevan gets hurt throw all of this away."
So, I would dare say, we've got all the important bases covered. Media, Vegas and over-zealous, homerific fans. Shit, even opposing fans (yes, even Tiders) are picking Ole Miss to be "The Dark Horse" or the "Surpise Team" in the SEC. There in lies a big problem.
Ole Miss could have a top 15 caliber season, go 9-3 and still end up 3rd in the division, much less the conference as a whole. Of course, Ole Miss fans would eat that up, but to win this division, you need world class talent, above-average coaching and luck...year-in and year-out.
Who the hell knows what the fall will hold for the Ole Miss faithful, but it's nice to see something of a light at the end of the tunnel. Houston Nutt, Jevan Snead, and Enrique Davis have at least the next three seasons to do some exiting shit and properly light up that expensive-assed scoreboard.
After 40 years in a desegregationist desert, can Rev. Nutt lead Ole Miss to The Promise Land/ATL?
*Largest True HD board until Mississippi State finishes theirs video board mid-season...Those one-upping cock-bastards
**Expert is usually defined as somebody with more readership than I - Seriously though, Phil Steele is about as "expert" as it gets in CFB
Thursday, July 17
"Wait just a gosh darn minute. Tha Snake is innocent til proven guilty, you sumabitch...That black boy can go ta hell for all I care...he's guilty as sin, plus Saban says we don't need him no-way." [HT: Byrd]
If only tha bahr was approvingly lookin' down from Golden Flake heaven
RTR Indeed [HT: Gordo]
Somebody deserves to get NUTT punched...and not just this high-waisted, shitty tee-shirt tucker.
All involved must pay the price for such douchebaggery.
[lewisnixon @ nafoom]
Edited 7/18: The equally soul crushing Mississippi State response tee:
[credit: The CL]
Tuesday, July 15
Jimmy John's garage? Heard whores will do almost anything for blow. This looks like the cover of Tider Rides & Skanks Illustrated [HT: Blake]
Tiders are typically marketing geniuses. Talk about living in the past...The fine print should read: "Paint Chips Are A Tasty Treat" What is Shawn Alexander even doing these days since he got dropped by the Seahawks? Probably somewhere being an annoying, self-important, unemployed douche. Knowshon, I'd take this shirt as a complement. Can't wait for the groundbreaking "Matthew Stafford is no Tyler Watts" Tee. [HT: Duff] [noshawn.com]
Nick tap-dancing Saban! That's a sweet ass purse. RTR!!!!!1
Monday, July 14
In The South, Car Tattoos are the new hotness. And personally, I've found that nothing makes the ladies hotter than deep automotive associations with junk food. How long before LSUFreek has Phil Fulmer driving the Cheetos-mobile?
[more car tattoo nonsense from nola.com]
[HT: RichardZinya at nafoom]
Tuesday, July 8
Nate Davis ain't got nothing on this dude
In anticipation of the season opening game between The Bama Crimson Tiders and the ACC's Clemson Tigers in the ATL, I give you The Clemson Super Fan (A.K.A. Nate Davis' Diddy):
You're thinking, "That's not really newsworthy, now is it?" Well...you'd be correct.
That was Clemson Tim's first ever tattoo...not too shabby. Well executed, relatively tasteful if you're into that sort of thing, right? Sure. But who wants to stop with just one tattoo? (sounds like a "gateway drugs" are bad talk) Below, is his second tattoo...
4 sessions, at least 28 hours and countless dollar bills later:
holy shitballs. I'm impressed and afraid all at once. He says it's not even done yet. At least he went for the more timeless symbols of the University like Howard's Rock and the Tiger instead of more transient imagery like say...Tommy Bowden or Tommy Bowden's daughter. (yeah, I'm not gonna link that)
Screw marching bands. How bout a Bama Nate vs. Clemson Tim "Steel Cage Match Halftime Spectacular" in the Georgia Dome? Are you freakin' kidding me? I gotta make some calls.
Compare and contrast...Who ya got?
Nice chalk outline. The above, serious video comes to us from beautiful Greenville, MS. Home of
The Delta State Fighting Okra and the original world-renowned, aptly named, Doe's Eat Place. (It doesn't get much more Southern than that..."It's a Eat Place, asshole")
The Story of Delta Flight 1759
As I mentioned, a couple of weeks ago I flew to Norfolk, Virginia to visit family. I thought it only right to share the "highlight" of my air-travel weekend with the group. Good times...
On my return trip, I just happened to have two old, old dudes in the row with me on a packed late night flight from Atlanta to Birmingham. These were good people, so we easily made the requisite, initial airplane small talk.
They were just getting back from an Alaskan cruise with their Vestavia Hills Methodist church group. (the king of Old People vacations) They were so elderly and decrepit that when I asked them "what cruise line did y'all go with?" they couldn't recall....but that's OK. They were really damn old.
Anyway, while we were still sitting on the tarmac in Atlanta, where the air is still sufficiently stagnant and those little screwy vents are operating at roughly 12% capacity, one of the old men proceeds to shit himself right damn next to me. Maybe not literally, but I wouldn't put it past him.
It lingered for an eternity. It BURNED the nostrils.
So, the old dudes just continue their mindless conversation as if a paper mill didn't just explode on their orthopedic shoes. Meanwhile, I'm dying inside; suffering in that airplane air with a solitary tear streaming down my face, but shit! I suffered in silence.
I remembered my "Band of Brothers" and I knew that these men, the greatest generation, had suffered far worse, for far longer than I...So I gave them my respect and held my ground. I sat beside them and took that shit like a man.
Can't say the same for that punk, Oak Mountain High School kid on his way back from Europe with his classmates. He was the funny guy. The douche in high school who's really an annoying skinny, floppy haired punk, but fancies himself a lady's-man/comedian. He just wouldn't shut up about "WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" "SALLY, DID YOU PUT YOUR FEET ON MY PILLOW?" "WHO THE HELL FARTED?" "DAMN, THAT'S GROSS!!!"
I wanted to punch him in his skinny punk nose, but I couldn't embarrass my boys...whichever one it may have been.
That kid knows nothing of honor. I fear for America.
That day, on that plane...I earned it
Monday, July 7
First Rule of The Deep South: Never make eye contact with a Tider in the wild.
Drew and Erica will admit it... Mistakes were made. But lucky for us all, they made it out of Six Flags over Georgia with their lives...and without the requisite filterless Pall Mall burns to the forearm. (defensive wounds)
They got made. It happens...Learn from it. We all had a first time.
While the subject may appear docile, heavily medicated and unkempt, do not be fooled. He's better than you. His tri-tone beard type thing, shifty eyes and vintage crimson jersey speak of classy, more traditional times...before even Julio Jones was birthed by the Nubian gods.
Back when a man was a man. Back when the Bear wasn't nothin' but alive, and this stud didn't have to "pass" a gosh damn piss test every time he wrecked the forklift. Yeah, so times have changed...What of it?
He may be on government disability, but at least he's got 12.
What have you got?
A lone tider at Six Flags is not to be trifled with. wallet chain?
[ht: Drew Photo: Erica...very classy indeed]
Friday, July 4
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Abraham Lincoln, 1864
Thursday, July 3
Wednesday, July 2
And it looks as if they've succeeded
The above billboard is naturally a reference to Derek Pegues' Mississippi State punt return for a touchdown that completed a 14 point, fourth quarter Egg Bowl comeback against the worst team in the SEC. Ok, the billboard is funny. It's smartass as hell, and I can appreciate that. I also appreciate that they've slapped one of these things up on I-55 as close to Ole Miss as possible (Batesville). Credit. I wish more schools would talk shit in this fashion.
If you're confused as to the play they're referencing, I've got a youtubes for you. The Rebs should be embarrassed, but damn. This highlight video attempts to make me weep about the Bulldogs comeback victory over
The New England Patriots The 3-8 (0-7) Ole Miss Orgerons. This is your watershed moment?
I didn't see any special-ed kids winning the hurdles...nor did I see a long lost kitten reunited with a wounded solider. WTF? (Maybe Ole Miss can make one of these end-of-"Rudy" type videos if/when they beat Vandy at home this season!)
Ole Miss fans might even well up a few tears of joy watching the above clip, as it marked the end of the illustrious Shrimp Boat Capitan Orgeron era.
What would be the predictable Rebel counterstrike? Ole Miss' fans question this "character" of which Crooms speaks. (See: 1 , 2 , 3 or 4 or 5)...
Tuesday, July 1
...back from 5 days in sweaty, trafficy Norfolk, Virginia - Sorry I don't have minions to cover my ass like "the big boys"...
Kige Ramsey, The King of All Youtubes, sits down with noted author/writer/lawyer Clay Travis for a candid, card-table-side talk in his mother's living room. Comedy of an unintentional and uncomfortable nature ensues...
[Part 3] - Clay channeling a bearded Jim Halpert?