Saturday, February 10

Class Of 2007

Erik Addresses Our Rising SEC Freshmen

Now that you've survived the recruiting process and signed your letter of intent, things are about to change. When you graduate high school, all the motivational speakers will be guiding you to study hard, work hard and become a man of character.

That's all sounds real nice, but these are guidelines you really need to pay attention to...A few that they forgot to tell you about: These will help you maintain that all important scholarship by keeping your ass out the papers, off the internets and, most importantly, out of
The Fulmer Cup.

How to Thrive and Survive as an SEC Football Player - Off the Field:

1. Math and Science are Scholarship Killers - Choose your major accordingly. Criminal Justice and Sociology are fine options that don't involve such frivolous subjects. You're all going to The League, right? Don't worry about picking a useful major.

2. Don't Cheat Off Your Teammates - They didn't come here to learn either. When you get to class on the first day, befriend a Asian classmate. (they are extremely rare in the liberal arts so try to get to class early for once) View them as in-class tutors. Note: It's ok to cheat off a teammate if they are in turn cheating off of an Asian.

"Me Tutor You Long Time!!!"

3. Do Not, Under any Circumstances, Open A Facebook/My Space Account - Yeah, it might seem cool at first, (Keeping up with all your "hoes") but coach will murder you when he finds that your boy Ray Ray pasted some hi-quality pics of you and the rest of the D-Backs passin' the sticky icky with a couple a cleat chasers. Not cool. Oh, not to mention that your baby's momma back home can keep tabs on your lies and hoe runnin' ways from any public library. Nobody needs that drama, especially a focused SEC Football player. In short, the Internets is enemy #1. Put the Mouse Down.

4. Leave the Unlicensed Glock Back Home - You're in a freakin' college town. No Phi Mu is gonna jack your ride. The drive-by is a lost art in the quad.

5. Do not befriend your dealer - While he may give you what you need to forget about two-a-days, he's not the best guy to be hangin' with at the club. Chances are, he's a little too f'ed up for living and most likely strapped to the gills. When he pimp slaps some dudes girlfriend, you don't want to end up in the paper cause "Dro-Man needed some back."

6. Resist the Urge to Counterfeit Money - No matter what Ray Ray tells you, even the mouth breathers at the drive-through are going to be a little suspicious when a 19 year old rolls up and hands him a fresh C-note for a Famous Bowl. Don't be Ignant.

Not worth it...In more ways than one

7. You Are Not Above The Law - RESPECT Local and University Law Enforcement. While some officers are down with the home team, others may not be fans of Football and your elevated status in the community. Do not attempt to "Flex Nuts" in any way, shape or form. While the case will certainly end up getting dropped, that won't save your name from the paper/internets. Not to mention all the stadiums you'll run and out of conference, Sun-Belt games you'll be "suspended" for.

Now, my associate, Chris Rock will review the finer points of Law Enforcement Interaction in his own colorful words:

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