Monday, May 22

Bama Fans Gone Wild!

For many, being a Bama fan has become a debilitating disease. These fine specimen are so far removed from reality that they end up shooting at their offspring, stabbing multiple Auburn fans post-Iron Bowl or, in the latest psychotic episode, asking for autographs at the communion alter!

Simply amazing, even by Bama fan standards! After reading Warren St. John's book, well... anything would be par for the course.

Jeffery Dahmer back in his days at "The Capstone"

This article comes my way, not surprisingly, from a friend and Auburn fan. It originated in my hometown newspaper, and I'm surprised I didn't see it first! In Memphis, Football is enjoyed, but it's not near the life altering event we obsess over here in Alabama. Geoff Calkins a well written and established sports writer with The Memphis Commercial Appeal. Thanks Matt. Enjoy...

Seeking autographs has limits, even in Ala.

Alabama football coach Mike Shula has a new church.
This would not qualify as news except for the reason he has a new church.

"Shula had to switch churches after being hounded by autograph seekers," reports Sports Illustrated, "including one who was waiting at the end of the communion line with a football."

I know what Alabama fans are thinking.

Is the football available on eBay?

Har. I'm kidding, of course. They're thinking it's about time Shula made some changes.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"Yeah. I saw your offense."

I know, this kind of stuff happens all the time in Alabama. It's why Mike Price had to change strip clubs.

But getting an autograph in church? During the blessed sacrament?

This could explain why Shula goes through the communion line flanked by state troopers.

He takes his bread, takes his wine, then breaks into that little jog back to his pew.

"Coach! Can I have your wafer? Coach! Coach! Awwww, what a jerk."

It's true, of course, that the line between football and religion tends to blur in the South, and most of all in Alabama.

Just last week, the Birmingham Steeldogs of arenafootball2 had a faith night featuring free Bible giveaways. The players warmed up in jerseys that had books of the Bible where their names would have ordinarily been.

The XFL gave us: HeHateMe.

The Steeldogs gave us: HeMightHelpSellTickets.

If you move to a new town in the South, your new neighbors will ask you two important questions:

1. Have you found a church?

2. What's your team?

All else is incidental.

So into this mix steps Shula, minding his own business, trying to get right with the Lord while winning enough to keep the lunatics from throwing a brick through the stained glass window.

Who decides this would be a good time to ask the coach for an autograph?

And why not just wait for him to sign the visitors book they stick in the pews? Wouldn't that be less intrusive?

There are times it's just not OK to ask someone for an autograph. To help Alabama fans follow along, I'll type this really slowly.

1. It's not OK to ask for autographs in the communion line.

2. It's not OK at funerals.

3. It's not OK if the coach is eating dinner at a restaurant with his family.

4. It's not OK if the coach is at a public urinal.

Wait, a question from Earl, from Jasper:

"What if the coach is done using the urinal and is washing his hands?"

Then you go right ahead, Earl. But be careful about using your flip phone to take pictures.

Some people will say this whole thing is unfair to Alabama. That might be true except, well, it happened in Alabama!

Which is where coach Shula evidently has a new church. And where the entire incident has sparked some understandable debate and reflection.

About the outsized role of college football in our society?

No, silly. About whether the new church will help him beat Auburn.

To reach Geoff Calkins, call him at 901-529-2364 or e-mail


  1. Your Bama Fan Sister in San Diego12:33 PM, May 23, 2006

    You sound a little one-sided here. Don't pretend that you've always been an Auburn fan!

  2. I wouldn't exactly say I'm an Auburn Fan just cause I date a War Eagle Graduate!

  3. One of my favorite passeges from Warren St. John book about "fandumb", RJYH. From Iron bowl weekend:

    "An Alabama fan in the lot says 'Roll Tide!' to a passing pedestrian. The pedestrian responds, "Fuck You." The Alabama fan then deploys a six-inch deer knife and threatens 'to gut you like the pig motherfucker you are.'"

    A new bamafan tradition!