Tuesday, October 3

SEC West Grades

Week 5

"Wow, that Chris Leak is a little faster than we thought! NOT COOL"

Note: previous weeks score in parenthesis

Alabama: C+ (C+)

Could it be that I've been right about Bama all along? Gasp! After consecutive losing games (to the first legit opposition of the season), do you Tiders still think I'm just being mean?

The reason Bama is such an easy target this season is because a vast majority of your more outspoken fans want everyone to respect the Tide like USC when you're playing like Vanderbilt.

Don't get me wrong, Bama's not a bad team and they deserve some respect, but not at the gargantuan levels a lot of the fanbase expects.

The arrogance just doesn't jive with the realities of the program.

The Florida game: It was good to see Shula passing the ball more. There were several situations where I thought to myself, "he would have run the ball in the past," and he went to the air with some success.

"The conservative offense" and relatively strong defense shtick may work against the also rans, but the big boys can hang with your defense and will rape you with their equally effective offense.

J.P. Wilson looked confident, and dare I say better than Broyde? While he threw 3 picks (could have easily been 6), a few of those can be attributed to deficit induced desperation. Against the biggest competition of the year (understatement), Darby actually played his best football (5.4 per carry). Maybe he just needed a worthy dance partner.

Football Cliches describing Darby in the weeks before the Florida game:

"He just ain't runnin' down hill like he use ta"
"Dat boy just dances too damn much!"
"What the hell is all this East/West sheeit!!"

Dance, too much booty in the pants

Arkansas: C+ (C+)

Nutt, Dick and Johnson all beat "off" this weekend! hahahaha!

Next week...

Auburn: A- (A)

Yes, Auburn is in the driver seat, but I just don't have a whole lot of confidence in this team. There, I said it.

Kinda like sitting shotgun on a road trip with your grandfather at the wheel. Yeah, he's got experience and a great track record, but you always feel like you're one false, geriatric move away from crapping your gameday pants.

Next thing you know, he's trying to read a billboard about the Denny's breakfast buffet and veers the Buick in to a g.d. bridge embankment.

Tuberville's got a great product without any real obvious weaknesses, but the team just isn't playing with attitude and fire. They don't act like they want it.

It almost seems they've gotten complacent with winning. Like a man courting a beautiful woman, he can sometimes forget how lucky he is!

Don't get me wrong Auburn fans, The Plainsmen are still an elite team, but you can't tell me that the last few games haven't made you scratch your noggin just a little bit.

The Hawgs come to town this weekend, and I expect Auburn to play their asses off. If for no other reason, to silence the whispers and beat back the critics. Tuberville can say that "style points" don't mean anything and "A win is a win," but we all know that's a load of dung. Much like the coaches saying, "I don't care what the fans think," or "I don't read the papers."

Yeah guys...And women love back-hair.

(funny I should mention that, I heard of this awesome new product on ESPN Radio yesterday)

"MANGROOMER - Silly-ass Name - Serious Results!"

LSU: A (A)

A perfect case for a playoff system.

Is LSU the best team in the country? Well, I guess we'll never know because they won't even play in the SEC Championship (Unless Auburn comes up lame...bigtime) THE BOWL SYSTEM BLOWS!

Last week, I referred to JaMarcus Russell's arm as a Howitzer. I was way off. It's more like a laser guided, Hellfire missile launcher:

Eighteen for freakin' twenty and/or 90% on the day! A career best 330 yards, 16.5 Average and Three TDs in less than 3 quarters!

Numbers Don't Lie (unless you're name is Sagarin)...

MSU @ LSU Drive Chart (first 10 Drives):

Touchdown Drives In Bold

Miss St. gets a "*" next to each "drive" that includes a 1st Down!!!

MiSt drive: 3 plays 4 yards, 01:55 MiSt PUNT
LSU drive: 6 plays 56 yards, 02:10 LSU TD
MiSt drive: 3 plays 3 yards, 01:58 MiSt PUNT
LSU drive: 4 plays 49 yards, 02:02 LSU TD
MiSt drive: 3 plays 2 yards, 02:33 MiSt PUNT
LSU drive: 1 play 37 yards, 00:17 LSU TD
MiSt drive: 5 plays 15 yards, 02:21 MiSt PUNT *
LSU drive: 4 plays 72 yards, 01:18 LSU TD
MiSt drive: 3 plays -8 yards, 01:19 MiSt PUNT
LSU drive: 7 plays 54 yards, 02:50 LSU TD

Score (after 1/3 of the game had been played): 0-35 LSU

The Fighting Tigers whooped up on Sly Croom's Bulldogs so bad that the Black Coaches Association was forced to give Louisiana State University a "failing grade" for the remainder of the decade.

Mississippi St: F+ (D+)

A Mississippi State offensive drive is an insult to the word "drive." (see above) This past weekend, a Mississippi State drive could also be known as a hiccup between LSU Touchdowns. A mere Stutter in Jimbo Fishers masterplan, or a pestering insect for Les Miles to swat with his awesome truckstop hat.

I wonder what Croom is thinking about now?

"You think anybody would noticed if we took our sorry asses to The Sunbelt? Those lucky bastards."

Ole Miss: D+ (D-)

Last week, what did I say about moral victories?

Hotty Toddy! Ole Miss only lost to the defending SEC Champ, Georgia Bulldogs by 5... on national TV!!! That's right, The Rebs even busted up the spread (-19).

Thank Allah that the officials were on Georgia's side, or the Rebs might have looked even less pathetic. Not saying they would have won, but that 90 yard holding penalty before the blocked punt kinda sucked! I'm working vigorously to get some youtubing buddies to post the footage for you non believers.

I dare say that it ("The Hold") was one of the most horrendous moment of my football watching life. Right below the moment when Eli got tripped on fourth down against LSU in 2003. At least the players decided that game.

Oh, well. Nothing like a good old fashioned moral victory to get your 1-4 season back on track!

"We may not win the games, but we've never lost a potty"


  1. Yeah -- I thought Bama would be much better. Right now, I'd readily accept 8 or 9 wins. Seven wins, however, will be a tad unacceptable. Either way, the Tide needs to beat Auburn. 6-6 while beating Auburn would be OK, though. Otherwise, Shula will have a real shitstorm on his hands.

  2. Hack, you'd accept 8 or 9 wins? Geez, what were your expectations coming into the season? 11 or 12 wins?

    The way I see it, Bama's got 4 locks remaining:




    Ole Miss - I'd like to say that the Rebs might compete, but Ole Miss plays like ass in BDS no matter what our respective records may be.

    Beyond those four games, yeah... you're pretty much looking 7-5 dead in the face.

  3. Auburn's never, ever won five consecutive years against Alabama -- not even in that craptacular 1990 season. So, that's 8.

  4. Bama's Never had a HC quite like Mike Shula either!

    Hack, you're committing the cardinal sin of the Tider. Thinking that past records have any bearing on the present.

    Kinda like the people that look at the little electronic roulette scoreboard to see where the ball dropped on it's last twenty spins.

    It doesn't matter!

    Good luck with that "lock" against Auburn! Stranger things have happened.