The Casting Call

In a return to attempted original humor, I present you with "The Casting Call." This would be ESPN Original Entertainment's Thesbianic Dream Team for a yet to be conceived film about the evil underbelly of SEC Football.

In other words, this is my educated guess as to what actor would best portray your favorite SEC Coaches.



SEC WEST



Ben Stiller as Mike Shula (Alabama)



Both men have legendary fathers to whom they owe their careers, and they are often found riding the coat tails of their supporting cast. Both men have extremely hot wives, which must be their proudest achievement.

Most Importantly, both are masters of being awkward, confused and out of place. If Stiller can replicate that thousand yard stare, while cradling his head in hand, this performance might just have Emmy written all over it! Another interesting tidbit - they're both yankees by birth. A match made in heaven!



Leonard Nimoy (Spock) as Tommy Tuberville (Auburn)



Call me crazy, but I could have sworn I've heard folks refer to Tubby as "Spock." I don't really get the jest of it, but hey...Who am I to mess with tradition? I think it's because both men have strong, no-nonsense personalities, and they show zero emotion in the face of adversity. That, and the Huge F'n Ears.



Tom Arnold as Houston Nutt (Arkansas)



Other than the drugs, drinking and and a history of marrying wealthy, obnoxious, tone-deaf, fat chicks, these guys are one and the same. Well, at least I think they're kin folk. Legend has it that Tom was the fifth Nutt brother growing up in Arkansas. Unfortunately, little Tommy enjoyed a passion for comedic theater instead of sports, so mommy and daddy Nutt kicked his homo-ass to the curb.

Both men have taken on regular gigs for several years, but like so many men of their makeup, the tendency to do something stupid or self-destructive always places their head squarely on the chopping block.

If Arnold can jump around on the sidelines like a wild, crack-addicted primate, he'll be golden... Somehow, I think Tom is up to the challenge.



Billy Bob Thorton (of Sling Blade) as Les Miles (LSU)



What is it that makes Billy Bob's Sling Blade character pair so well with a mouth-breather like Coach Miles? I'm not sure if it's Leslie's unique physical characteristics, complete with truckstop LSU hat, or his vast mental deficiencies; exemplified by such acts as a late game timeout attempt after a very obvious change of possession (see College Football Rules 101).

Screen Test:

Random Assistant - "Coach Miles, what the hell are you doing? Look at me! What do we do? Go for two and the win or one and the tie?!? Say something Dammit!!"

Miles - "Mmmmm Hmmmm...I sure do like them French fried potaters."

Random Assistant (with arms raised to the sky) - "Damn you Bertman! Damn you!!!"



Tracy Morgan (Uncle Jemima) as Sly Croom (MSU)



Nothing says Deep South like a former Bear Bryant Footballer and Mash Liquor. Other than their startling physical similarities, Tracy Morgan has mastered the deep southern accent that Croom so prominently displays. Check out Morgan's screen test here:





James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano) as
Ed Orgeron (Ole Miss)



Drugs, violence, harsh language, and beautiful, scantily clad women.

Am I talking about an HBO Original Series or a Saturday in Oxford? To be fair, some of the aforementioned vices might be a thing of the past for The Orgeron. Even so, his reputation precedes him. Like a made man, Coach O has a legendary image. Though most of the malicious claims would never hold up in court, Orgeron's every move is subject to the watchful eye of his growing horde of enemies. I would be surprised if the NCAA is not already working to infiltrate Don Orgeron's inner circle.

As Gandolfini wraps the final season of The Sopranos, this would be the obvious next move. I just hope he doesn't worry too much about type casting.


Click Here for the SEC East Coaches

Mark Wright's Record Breaking HR

SEC Tournament MVP Mark Wright leaves no doubt in this game. This poor Vandy pitcher's first offering, upon entering the game, gets a one-way ticket out of The Hoover Met. Here's the video:

Second Time's The Charm

Ole Miss Rebels: SEC Baseball Champions!

Box Score

Birmingham - In Ole Miss' second consecutive trip to the championship game, the Rebs cashed in and took home the grand prize.

The atmosphere was electric! Ole Miss brought a football-like crowd from all corners of The South. Of the roughly 9,000 in attendance, about 8,000 were Rowdy Rebels. It was reported that Hotty Toddies were heard as far away as The Riverchase Galleria.

No, not really. But it was pretty damn loud.

We chanted, screamed and cheered, from the two-run first to the four-run ninth. Mark Wright (tournament MVP) put the perfect cherry on top with a three run bomb in his final at bat to break The SEC Tournament record for RBIs (while only playing 4 games).

Ole Miss now returns to Oxford to host it's third straight regional.

So much for a rebuilding year.


The Road:

• Loss To eventual National Champion, Texas in the 2005 Super Regionals
• Eight Rebels Drafted
• Recruits going straight to the Pros
• An All New Pitching Rotation
• A Rebuilding Year
• Starting 1-5 in League Play
• 13-11 Overall

Then...

• An 11 Game Win Streak
• 17-13 In League Play
• An SEC Tournament Birth
• Routing Arkansas, LSU, Bama and Vandy - Consecutively
• 39 to 10 for the Tournament
• Hottest Team In the Best League
• Tournament MVP - Mark Wright
• 40-20 Overall
• Best Record in the SEC over the Last Four Season
• Hosting a Regional for the Third Straight Season
• SEC Champions!

...To Be Continued...

A few of the articles praising Bianco, The Diamond Rebels and Their Fans:

AP Write Up
McCready
Cleveland
Ole Miss Mania Takes Over Hoover Met - Segrest








www.olemisssports.com

SEC Tourney Baseball: Ole Miss 12 - LSU 1

Mercy Rule!

Ole Miss earned it's first-ever Friday off in the SEC Tournament with a convincing 12-1 mercy rule win over rival LSU. The Bengal Tigers didn't have a prayer in this one with The Rebels putting up 8 runs in the first 3 innings. An Oxford Regional is all but assured.

Here are a few images from the big W:

Bukvich gets the "W"

Bukvich In Motion

A couple of Rebels look on as the bloodbath unfolds

What's that I Hear? Surely it wasn't an LSU Bat!

A rare sight indeed

Thanks to the stellar play of Justin Henry and Co. a homecoming to Oxford is in order

Witness the Final Out in this Rebel Masterpiece:

As you can see the Rebel Faithful are taking over The Met, but more General Admission Tickets are available at the gate. Only $12 a head. Don't miss out!

Next Up:

Saturday, 1:30 pm vs. Alabama/LSU Winner

SEC Baseball Tournament: Ole Miss vs. Arkansas

A few of my (average at best) pics from the Ole Miss/Arkansas game. Ole Miss won 9-4 shortly after midnight.

The Starters

"Ok fellas, we're gonna call this game tight as hell..."

An average Bama fan sulking over their loss and enjoying his starter mullet

"Warm it up Kris... I'm about to..."

Satterwhite looks on as the bats do his dirty work

I should have some better pics after game 2 (baseball photography learning curve) and maybe even some video if warrented.

Tonight: Game 2 vs. LSU @ 8pm (now looking more like 9:30) central

Ole Miss Starter: Brett Bukvich

LSU Starter: Louis Coleman

SECSPORTS.com Tournament Central

Bama Fans Gone Wild!

For many, being a Bama fan has become a debilitating disease. These fine specimen are so far removed from reality that they end up shooting at their offspring, stabbing multiple Auburn fans post-Iron Bowl or, in the latest psychotic episode, asking for autographs at the communion alter!

Simply amazing, even by Bama fan standards! After reading Warren St. John's book, well... anything would be par for the course.


Jeffery Dahmer back in his days at "The Capstone"

This article comes my way, not surprisingly, from a friend and Auburn fan. It originated in my hometown newspaper, and I'm surprised I didn't see it first! In Memphis, Football is enjoyed, but it's not near the life altering event we obsess over here in Alabama. Geoff Calkins a well written and established sports writer with The Memphis Commercial Appeal. Thanks Matt. Enjoy...


Seeking autographs has limits, even in Ala.


Alabama football coach Mike Shula has a new church.
This would not qualify as news except for the reason he has a new church.

"Shula had to switch churches after being hounded by autograph seekers," reports Sports Illustrated, "including one who was waiting at the end of the communion line with a football."
Well.

I know what Alabama fans are thinking.

Is the football available on eBay?

Har. I'm kidding, of course. They're thinking it's about time Shula made some changes.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"Yeah. I saw your offense."

I know, this kind of stuff happens all the time in Alabama. It's why Mike Price had to change strip clubs.

But getting an autograph in church? During the blessed sacrament?

This could explain why Shula goes through the communion line flanked by state troopers.

He takes his bread, takes his wine, then breaks into that little jog back to his pew.

"Coach! Can I have your wafer? Coach! Coach! Awwww, what a jerk."

It's true, of course, that the line between football and religion tends to blur in the South, and most of all in Alabama.

Just last week, the Birmingham Steeldogs of arenafootball2 had a faith night featuring free Bible giveaways. The players warmed up in jerseys that had books of the Bible where their names would have ordinarily been.

The XFL gave us: HeHateMe.

The Steeldogs gave us: HeMightHelpSellTickets.

If you move to a new town in the South, your new neighbors will ask you two important questions:

1. Have you found a church?

2. What's your team?

All else is incidental.

So into this mix steps Shula, minding his own business, trying to get right with the Lord while winning enough to keep the lunatics from throwing a brick through the stained glass window.

Who decides this would be a good time to ask the coach for an autograph?

And why not just wait for him to sign the visitors book they stick in the pews? Wouldn't that be less intrusive?

There are times it's just not OK to ask someone for an autograph. To help Alabama fans follow along, I'll type this really slowly.

1. It's not OK to ask for autographs in the communion line.

2. It's not OK at funerals.

3. It's not OK if the coach is eating dinner at a restaurant with his family.

4. It's not OK if the coach is at a public urinal.

Wait, a question from Earl, from Jasper:

"What if the coach is done using the urinal and is washing his hands?"

Then you go right ahead, Earl. But be careful about using your flip phone to take pictures.

Some people will say this whole thing is unfair to Alabama. That might be true except, well, it happened in Alabama!

Which is where coach Shula evidently has a new church. And where the entire incident has sparked some understandable debate and reflection.

About the outsized role of college football in our society?

No, silly. About whether the new church will help him beat Auburn.

To reach Geoff Calkins, call him at 901-529-2364 or e-mail

Off Season Poetry

Limerick Therapy

Haiku is out. Limerick is in. These are my original stylings inspired by everydayshouldbesaturday:

e e cummings would be so proud!

1.

No fall Saturday would be complete
Without a tailgate and stadium seat
I cheer for my team
While livin' the dream
Just please don't let it end in defeat!

2.

I saw coach O on the road
Many cruitin' seeds he has sowed
He works his ass off
Yet still they scoff
And try to paint him a toad

3.

Could Something Be Brewin' in Dixie?
Coach O making waves is not easy
Will he whoop some ass
on the turf and the grass
and prove that his ways are not sleazy?

4.

Hundreds of miles we drove
To set up shop in the grove
The bourbon flows
And so it goes
Twas life before we betroth! *

*Disclaimer: This one doesn't apply to me, because, well, I'm not married...yet! Hard to rhyme with "grove"

I found this link on the vitals of the limerick after I wrote the ones above (mine weren't exactly structurally sound!). Here is some help for those aspiring poets out there!

What A Pig!

And The Espy for Best Comedic Performance goes to Brian Walker of the Arkansas Baseball Team. Congrats Brian. You're a complete Tool!

Notice how his athletic trainer can' t even hold back a smile!

Everybody's All-American

Absolute Beast

Patrick Willis is a man among boys.

After leading the NCAA in Solo tackles in 2005 (while missing a game and wearing a cast for several weeks) he is back for his senior season. He will possibly be wearing the #38 in 2006, in honor of Chucky Mullins.

You've been warned.

The Texas QB Power Struggle

Since Vince Young will be suiting up for the Tennessee Titans this fall, UT (the other one) is in the midst of a quarterback controversy.

As far as I'm concerned there is no controversy.

I mean, honestly, who would you start?

Some young, Caucasian kid named Jevan?

Hell No!

You come to your senses and give the reigns to your redshirt freshman with the best college quarterback name this side of Joe Kane and Johnny Walker.

Colt McCoy is a no brainer, Mack. Seriously.

The posters write themselves!

"Colt: The Gunslinger"

Or for the opposition (if he underachieves) "Colt...Goes Down Smooth"

The possibilities are endless! And what could be more important than witty posters for ESPN to cut to when Texas is taking Baylor to the woodshed?

For all you SAT buffs, Colt is to quarterbacks what Takeo Spikes is to linebackers or what Chris Moneymaker is to tubby, redneck, poker playing accountants!

I defy anyone to come up with a more studly quarterback name for the 2006 College Football season. Never mind his armstrength, pocket presence or forty time. Do you think Jonathan Moxen or Lance Harbor had to worry about any of that junk?

Mack, just do the right thing.

I think we all know who Billy D. would start!