Your Moment of Zen

Why are these LSU fans so thrilled?

Why are they most likely pissing off the upper deck, tossing pints of So-Co and engaging in dude-on-dude makeout sessions? Did their team just score a touchdown...Win the big game or did the whole section just receive a coupon for a free Sonic "Wacky Pack?" No, you asshole...



They just found out that Southern Cal got beat. Yeah, a school 1818 miles away...A school that LSU hasn't played since 1984...A school that sat behind LSU in the AP. It's pure, unadulterated, burbon-soaked, Cajun joy:



Click Here to See Stanford Sexually Assault Pete Carroll's Dreams

Sack-Up Saturday

"Hey Matty, guess what? The Trojans lost to Stanford, you got benched and WE'RE PREGNANT!"

Stanford Is Good

No wonder these 40 point Dogs beat the Preseason National Champion USC Trojans. Look at these scintillating Stanford stats (out of 119)...

Total Offense : 62
Scoring Offense : 87
Rushing Defense : 94
Pass Efficiency Defense: 116
Total Defense: 102
Scoring Defense: 102
Punt Returns : 92
Turnover Margin: 84
Pass Defense : 94
Passing Efficiency: 77
Sacks Allowed: 112

Wow, USC went and lost to a program that claims a damn tree mascot, and Stanford seems to care for football just slightly more than I care for blunt testicular trauma. It's not even a cool tree like a Sycamore or a Sequoia, it's just "tree." What a bunch of french fried homos. Way to ruin a USC vs. LSU national championship beatdown. (Amazing Box! 4 Picks for John Parker Wilson David Booty)

Speaking of LSU, Nice effin' game! One of the best I've seen. Everyone here needs to personally thank this 12th-year-senior LSU guy for suiting up and saving the SEC's hopes at a national title and making Tim Tebow cry his own tears of non-joy...


Jacob Hester - a middle aged man among boys

Craziness...Did you know that South Florida didn't even field a team back when Vanilla Ice was rollin' down A1A..."BEACHFRONT AVENUE," now they're gonna be top 5. College football is so fubariffic.


"Toss my Top 5 Salad, Saban!"

Thursday, Fugly Thursday

HT: Mzone

A Vicious Cock Fight!

Maybe it was the rain. Maybe it was the ranking, or the hype. Maybe it was Memphis.

What many thought would be the glorious Andre' Woodson Heisman Coming Out Party, on its national stage with two highly ranked SEC teams doing battle in a rare, legitimate Thursday night throw down, actually turned out to be more of a circus of drunken, epileptic, mongoloid clowns farting wildly and tossing feces at one another. And they weren't tossing it very well.

Woodson actually accounted for as many South Carolina touchdowns as he did Kentucky (2), and he threw yet another pick. So much for that Heisman pipe dream. Damn, he looked bad last night!

Smelley didn't look awful (must. not. make. obvious, pathetic, joke), but I don't think I've ever seen more over-thrown deep passes. That goes for both QBs.

How about that ridiculous first five minutes? Or Smelley's safety avoiding, intentionally grounded turd flung from the lindsey lohan position? What was that all about? How about Jasper Brinkley's capri pants? Brick killed a guy. It was one crazy-assed, moist and soggy, turnover laden grudge match.

So are Spurrier's Cocks really in the divisional driver's seat? Lou Holtz certainly thinks so. Crap. Head-Ball-Coach's preseason talk about winning the SEC isn't quite as humorous now is it? I'm not sayin they're gonna win it, I'm just sayin. Yeah, Click-Clack, you Smelley, pirate hookers.


Second only to the "MOREHEAD" State Hat in it's quasi-preppy, high schoolish, ironic, "I'm not getting any...really," totally acceptable douchebaggery

Erik's Late Blogpoll Ballot

Someone you won't see below: The Football Gods have Forsaken Nutt

Rank	Team	Delta
1	LSU	25
2	Southern Cal	24
3	California	23
4	Ohio State	22
5	Wisconsin	21
6	Boston College	20
7	Kentucky	19
8	Florida	18
9	South Florida	17
10	Missouri	16
11	South Carolina	15
12	Georgia	14
13	Hawaii	13
14	Oklahoma	12
15	West Virginia	11
16	Rutgers	10
17	Oregon	9
18	Arizona State	8
19	Cincinnati	7
20	Kansas State	6
21	Purdue	5
22	Nebraska	4
23	Texas	3
24	Michigan State	2
25	Auburn	1

Dropped Out:

That's the poll.

- LSU still on top. Some "real writers" are starting to come around after USC's turdulent Washington game.

- Cal gets the 3 spot by default. I sure as hell wasn't going to put a Big 10 team up there.

- I can't believe that I have two Big 10 teams in the top five. Maybe it's because neither have played anyone one worth a damn yet, and probably won't since they're are into the "meat" of the conference slate. Case in point: Nobody should ever question SEC scheduling again. Just look at the Big 10.

- I've been on the Kentucky bandwagon all season, why stop now. Top 10 though? Really? This season, the answer is "YES."

- Georgia seems to have figured out their offensive problems..."Just hand off the damn ball!"

- Auburn is back in the poll. Nobody puts Tubby in a corner. He's gonna have to earn it this year, and I think he will. Even so, will Auburn fans accept a 4 loss regular season?

Mike Gundy - Coors Light Commercial

I've largely ignored the Mike Gundy vs. Crappy, Lady Reporter situation, cause you can get that kinda junk anywhere. This...This Video however, is one of the few truly note-worthy tidbits to emerge from this Oklahoma bitch-fest. Bravo to the makers of the below youtubes...

Guess Who's Back...Back Again

Sorry about the tardiness or absence or whatever you'd like to call it.

My Excuse? Big Business, and shoddy customer service Bad luck I guess. Basically, Charter has been screwing me with their lack of internet i'm a overreacting, anal prick sometimes. Those dingle-berries amazingly talented, and fun loving customer service reps tried to tell me that it was my computer that was effed up and I needed to take it in for repair put up with my crap and recommended a possible, plausable solution for my computer issues. So, being the naive little a-hole that I am, I took it down to the Hoover Best Buy, And guess what...IT WORKED JUST EFFIN' FINE! Everybody makes mistakes, and as long as you try your hardest, that's all anybody can really ask of you, right?

So I call those schlongs saints at Charter back to ask them WTF!? How's Life? And they tell me, "Oh, maybe it's not your computer at all...maybe we've had an outage in your area since Tuesday..."

Son of a WHORE! I told that Gunt, "Before I speak to your supervisor, I want two free month of internet...and Cinimax, and some Spice Channel would be nice...ON THE HOUSE, ASS!"

...actually, I told her that I want a credit for the missing days, and some gas money for driving out the Hoover Best Buy would be nice. I was just thankful that we had resolved this mystery, and life could get back to normal. (Clearly, I won't get either) Then I firmly told her "Thank you," and I rated her customer service a 9 out of 10 (gotta keep her honest) and said, "you have a nice day..too."

Yes, I'll take it like a man. Like a man who takes things. Now I will go enjoy all the wonderful, enchanting services that Charter Communications provides (MOXI DVR, what?). Did you know Charter now offers home telephone service at extremely competitive rates? Amazing!

Also, "Dish" rhymes with "Douche"


^^^^Angels Sent From Heaven^^^^

Edit!: In the interest of full disclosure, Charter and I have settled our differences (out of court, mind you) thanks to a extremely reasonable and gentlemanly reader within the company.

Mindless Morning Youtubery

Good Thing Clemson Football doesn't Run a Burger King

The Youtubes just keep-a-comin'. As if Tommy Bowden & family didn't learn a while back what you can and can't do on camera.

Multiple readers have been so kind as to forward this short clip of Tommy Bowden at the Georgia Tech game, in search of Howard's Rock. Once he locates it, evidence will show that Mr. Bowden moves said rock toward his mouth-hole with alleged intent to consume...or did he!?!

Exhibit A:


Hat Tip: Gamecock Tom and Martin


But how can we know for sure? Maybe I should just put Coach Bowden on the stand...

Erik: Coach Bowden, you ate that booger because you didn't know TV was back from commercial, and that's what you wanted to do!

Capt. Ross: OBJECT!

Judge Randolph: Sustained!

Erik: And when it went bad, you cut that booger LOOSE! You coerced the doctor...

Coach Bowden: What???

Erik: you doctored the log book!...

Capt. Ross: DAMN IT, ERIK!

Judge Randolph: CONSIDER YOURSELF IN CONTEMPT!

Erik: COACH BOWDEN, DID YOU EAT THAT BOOGER?

Bowden: I did the job I was --

Erik: -- Did you eat the BOOGIE?!

Bowden: You're G.D. right I did!!!

{silence overtakes the courtroom}

Erik: Please the court, I suggest the jury be dismissed so that we can move to an immediate Article 39a Session. Coach Bowden has rights.

Edit: For even more coverage of this breaking story, check out Respect the Cocks. Dr. Strangecock's got the footage in HD with Zapruder style slow-mo! "Back, and to the left...Back, and to the left"

Fark This! & Mindless...Afternoon Youtubery

Thufferin' Thuccotath! Lou Holth is Batting 1.000


Hat Tip: Wes


When Your Head Hits The Ground First, Yeah...You Got Jacked Up

Laugh at This Florida Fan's Pain

Some seemingly 12-year-old, potty mouthed Gator fan was none-to-happy with the outcome of Saturday's game. At least he's still supports his team though. He just wants Urban fired, and I think he called Tebow a "fag" or something. Either way, he's gonna make some lady Gator a fine husband one day... "WHAT DO YA MEAN YOUR EFFING PREGNANT!?! YOU STUPID G.D. COW!!! ICE THE EFFING KICKER!!!" (NSFW):

How'd You Enjoy Scrote-Bag Saturday?

I don't think you could call this weekend "Separation Saturday," or "Survival Saturday" or any of the other homo erotic hype phrases that ESPN so liberally applies. No, I think the most appropriate term is "Scrote-Bag Saturday." "The day when your favorite ranked team stank of old balls."

I was gonna try and talk about all the upsets in the Top 25, then I just went off on the Auburn game.

Oklahoma lost to Colorado? Do they even play DIVISION I FOOTBALL up there in Boulder? I thought they were too busy up there smokin' dubes and playin' intermurals, brother. (game winning kick)

Screw it...Let's talk Auburn/Florida



The game everyone in these parts is talking about took place in Gainesville. How bout Auburn owning Florida? What is it about the Auburn Tigers? Georgia can't beat Florida...Tennessee gets owned by Florida...Ohio State lost it's manhood to Florida...but Auburn goes from Sly Croom's bitch (the lowest of lows), to beating the defending national champion Florida Gators in two weeks? Maybe Tuberville's got the Voodoo.

Tebow looked downright human in this game (19 carries for 3.8 per?). Brandon Cox may have been sacked 4 times, but he didn't throw a pick. He didn't throw a touchdown either, but he didn't throw a pick. That's the story of the game. Brandon Cox didn't beat Auburn for once this year. Good for you, sir. A couple issues with the game...

Had Auburn come up on the short end of the score, the play of the game would have been the non-existent Halo rule violation. WTF? If you watched Ole Miss v. Florida last week you know, the refs have been commissioned by the SEC offices, Mike Slive or maybe even Satan to do everything within their power to keep BCS teams undefeated. For those of you that don't know, THERE IS NO HALO RULE in College football (not even in the pros anymore) and as long as you allow the punt returner to catch the ball (aka don't touch him or getting in his way) you're cool. You know how I know Auburn was cool...The asshole caught the ball! Just fine. I'm proud of Tuberville for getting pissed as hell. It was complete commie horseshit, and those cock-gobbling refs deserve to be lined up and golden-showered in the face on the fifty yardline of Jordan-Hare.



I don't care if it cost Auburn the game or not...It sure as hell could have, and therefore they should be punished. It was also a perfect example of why penalties should be reviewable in the booth.

Next issue that sparked some controversy was Herban's evil timeout usage as Auburn's legendary, true-freshman placekicker, Wes Byrum stroked the game winner. I've had a few folks complain about this. Yeah...icing the kicker (even extreme icage like this) is asshole, but don't act like Tommy T. wouldn't have done it. Tommy's pretty evil himself.

It may be sinister, but it's within every coaches right, and I think you'd be dumb not to try it in that situation.

All in all, this game was a perfect example of why we love college football. So many story lines. So much passion.

For UF it was the invincible, super-human Florida quarterback. The win streaks and championships. The evil genius of Herban and 90,000 in the Swamp at night on ESPN. Then on the Auburn side, there was the quarterback controversy, the Boos, the losses, the lack of confidence and ultimately, the doubt...The doubt that things were moving in the right direction down on the plains...The creeping doubt about Tuberville...The doubt that Auburn could even beat Alabama.

Now there's a starting, senior Quarterback who knows he can win and (and win big) with this team, a hero of a true-freshman kicker (from Florida, mind you) and a team, nay a fanbase with a some real confidence.

A little something to beat back the that over-zealous Bama Fan with. Tuberville's 9 of 10 against the Top Ten. How bout them apples, Saban? This will be the first week of the Season in which Auburn Football is the story in this town...at least for doing something positive.

No, I don't think you'll see a Sports Illustrated covers proclaiming "Auburn's Back" or anything like that. Auburn Fans have been here before. 9 out of the last 10. Save that kind of meaningless, collector's edition propaganda for lesser fans.

Even so, something tells me it was a little easier for Auburn folks to get out of bed this Monday morning.


Toomer's is a mess, and all is right in the world