Friday, May 30

The Ballad of Nick Saban

LSU fans are so over him...

Bama Fan of the Week

Here we find Alana Colette Connell's sugar daddy in a bit of a pickle. Or could it be Mr. "Country Ass Whoopin" himself from Realtown?

Either way, not to worry...This inebriated ninja has the po-po right where he wants them. Check out this brilliant technique he employs to buy himself some time and distract the officer from an impending breathalyzer test. Watch and learn, assholes. RTR!!!


Thursday, May 29

Ahhh Marriage...


Eli Manning and new wife Abby seen here on the pink carpet attending the New York premiere of that annoying, bloated, self-important "Sex and the City" movie. Best case scenario, this is Abby's payback for Eli making her sit "general admission" at the Green Bay NFC Championship game...Worst case scenario, Elisha's so a "Samantha" on his facebook page. Why couldn't the Mannings attend a cool premiere like Ironman or Indiana Jones The Dark Knight? Thank jebus Eli won the Superbowl or he'd be getting even more hell-fire for this.

[A review of said movie from a hetero guy's perspective]

Best State of Alabama Youtubery Ever

This is a heads up battle for the best Youtube video produced in the state of Alabama. It makes me so happy, that to millions of viewers around the world, this is what they think of, other than Forrest Gump, when they think Alabama...

Montgomery -

I think he just served you your ass on a dinette set. OH YEAH!


Mobile -

Could be a crack head! Or it could be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I'd like to see your state do better than that. A combined 9 million views. Can we get a national championship banner up in this bitch? Make sure to rock the vote. Make your voice heard in the poll over to your right...

Fluff Piece Season

"8th Time's the Charm"

This is when we rank everything and tell you our self-important, extremely flawed and obviously biased opinions on stuff.

Here, some Rivals writer gives us this meaningless, devoid of reason fluff on Alabama's upcoming season. Of all the SEC programs, this is why Alabama is the team on the rise...

LUCK IS TURNING: The numbers might be on Nick Saban's side. All of Alabama's losses – six of them – came by a touchdown or less. And there were signs of hope in the bowl game: After losing the last four games of the regular season by an average of 6.5 points, the Crimson Tide beat Colorado 30-24 in the Independence Bowl.

Why does everyone seem to think Bama's gonna be better this season? Seriously? Give me something more than "Well, it's Saban's second year" or the aforementioned BS about "all of Alabama's losses came by a touchdown or less." What the writer fails to mention was that four of Alabama's seven wins came by a touchdown or less...they lost their best playmakers on defense, the wide receiver core is green as hell, and SJPW is on his third offensive coordinator in as many years...And he didn't exactly look like a world beater in 2007. Not to mention the fact that Nick Saban has proven to be a mediocre on-the-field coach/motivator.

You're gonna hear a lot of opinions this summer, but in this experts eyes, all this adds up to a Shreveport hat-trick for the Crimson Tide.

Friday, May 23

LSU Fan of the Week

Damn, I miss college football. On fall Saturdays, this is how I feel,on the inside...but maybe a little less gay:

Seeing that, it's hard to imagine LSU fans would ever intentionally urinate on anyone.


Get Your Ass To Hoover

Once a year, Hoover is the place to be. So, make your way through the endless, hurriedly erected strip malls on to the Hoover Met.

On top of LSU's ridiculous 18 game winning streak, Ole Miss has stepped up its play to join the Bengals in the winner's bracket with this Michael Guerrero walk off that woke the suburbs (circa 12:30am)...


Hey, For once, Bama's decided to stick around, so we might even have a sell out or two this weekend. Just do it, fool...I know I will.

[2008 SEC Baseball Tournament Central]

Tuesday, May 20

Deep South's Guide to What's Good For You in Birmingham

SEC Baseball Tournament Edition (read: Hoover-centric)

This fall, I'll have been living in the greater Birmingham area for a decade, and if there's one thing I've learned during my stay, it's that I love to eat and drink well.

Best Place to Stay for Guys - Ross Bridge Resort

4000 Grand Ave
Hoover, Alabama 35226 USA
(205) 916-7677

It's bad ass. Looks like a European castle, but with an awesome pool and championship golf. Bonus: It's romantic enough that you might even get a little extra special wife/girlfriend action.

Best Place to Stay for the Ladies -
The Wynfrey

1000 Riverchase Galleria
Hoover, Alabama 35244
(205) 987-1600

Your woman's not that into baseball? She should be ok in this Bama classy hotel attached to one of the largest malls in the southeast. This is also where SEC Football Media Days is held every year, so it's obviously not too demasculinating.

Best place for lunch - Cajun Steamer

180 Main Street
Ste. 200
Hoover, AL 35244
Phone: (205) 985 - 7785

If you like fried goodness, this is the place. It's laid back, quick and good. In central Alabama, it's the closest thing you can get to "Mother's" in NOLA.

Best Mexican - Iguana Grill (

2085 Colonial Drive, Suite 101
(In the Plaza Fiesta off Lorna Rd. in Hoover)
(205) 987-8240

Well worth it and relatively close to the stadium. Women love the atmosphere, food it great for an underwhelming price. They even give you two different types of salsa.

Best Pizza -
Tortugas (review)

2801 John Hawkins Pkwy
Hoover, AL 35244
(205) 403-9800

If you like Chicago style (real deep dish) pizza, this place is a must. A lot of native Chicagans (??) say it's as good or better than anything you can get in Ditka-ville. It's outstanding, but it can take awhile to cook. My advice: call ahead.

Best place to watch Sports -
Buffalo Wild Wings

2772 John Hawkins Parkway
Suite 100
Hoover, AL 35244

I don't think I'm gonna tell you anything new about this place. Good food (even corndog nuggets for the Bengal Tiger in you) and big screens. Sadly, I have to endorse BWW over the local Bob "Bammer" Baumhower's Wings. I'm usually not gonna steer anybody to the national chain over the local business, but Buffalo Wild Wings does it better in every aspect of the Sports Bar game and if not for the Bama fan contingent ("Gotta support Bear's Boys"), Wings would be gone baby, gone.

Best Steak -

103 Summit Boulevard,
Birmingham AL 35243
205-262-WINE (9463)

If you don't mind dropping some serious coin, this is the place for you. Ruth's Chris can't hold Fleming's loin strap. Best Steak I've Ever Had. No shit. And there is nothing in the culinary world I love more than a great cut of beef. Get the bone-in Ribeye ($42, a la carte). Very nice wine list as well.

Best All Around Fine Dining -
Highlands Bar and Grill (reviews)

2011 11th Avenue South
Birmingham, AL 35205
(205) 939-1400

This is the top of the food chain in Birmingham. It's on the Southside, so it requires a little more effort, but it's so very worth it. See why Gourmet Mag ranked Frank Stitt's flagship Top 5 in the nation. The menu is seasonal, but it's all outstanding. Southern/French with a upscale bar scene full of Cougars waiting to pounce.

Best Place to Drink Beer and Listen to Live Music in a "Garden" -
The J. Clyde

1312 Cobb Lane
Birmingham, Alabama 35205
(205) 939-1312

The Perfect pub for those who've graduated from the typical college bar (see: Innisfree) Technically The J. Clyde is a "beer garden" because of it's awesome, lush back patio and it's bonerific two hundred some-odd available beers. I wrote more about it here.

Best Sushi -
Jensei (review)

1820 29th Ave. South (SoHo)
Homewood, AL 35209
(205) 802-1440

If the Crunchy Shrimp Roll is the extent of your Sushi experience, well you might want to skip this place, asshole. Jensei is the best, most serious Sushi establishment in Alabama. Even so, when you step in the little restaurant, you'll feel like you're in swank Manhattan. Sit at the Sushi bar (if you can find a seat anywhere) and watch these culinary ninjas kick some raw ass. You're guarenteed a happy ending at Jinsei.

Best (and only) Dueling Piano Bar -
Twist and Shout

2011 Highland Ave. S.
Birmingham, AL 35205

As you can tell, the nightlife is on the Southside of Birmingham. If you're looking for a little more entertainment than The J. Clyde can offer, walk on over to the ill-named T&S in the Five Points area (next to perennial late, late night hook up spot, Bellbottoms) T&S is a good "main event" bar for a big night out. Sandwich it between pre-gaming at a relaxed place like The J. Clyde and a late night, booze fueled "last stop on the skank-train," the aforementioned Bellbottoms.

This is meant to be an ever-expanding guide to what's good for you in Birmingham. Check back for updates as I continue to explore the surprising wealth of cool shit to do/eat in Bham.

Monday, May 19

So Who Wins?

I love how the dude on the right has both his arms fully extended while he's on the mat. Like he won or something?! He looks like my dog when she's sleeping. Talk about a few badasses. Legends of Fighting, my taint.

Friday, May 16

Mindless Morning Youtubery

Tebow vs. Berry

Eric Berry might have won this battle, but I'd like to see Eric circumcise young native boys. (Plus, Tebow did win the game quite handily) Oh yeah, and Tebow earns a "99" on NCAA Football (to Berry's "94").


Thursday, May 15

The Kige Party

Finally...Cooking with Kige. Iron Chef Ramsey takes on a fascinating secret ingredient...Pepperoni! (who knew?) Well, lets just say Kige attacks this cooking segment with the same passion and in-depth analysis as he does Youtube Sports. Welcome to the intricate world of Pizza Rolls...

Next week, I hope Kige kicks it up another notch and explains hot dogs.

Wednesday, May 14

Perrilloux to be the Butt of Many Cock Jokes

Yeah, that's right. Ryan Perrilloux, the former best quarterback ever, is transferring to the "Championship Division" Jacksonville State Gamecocks, of dubious Jacksonville, Alabama (Northeast Alabama's premier four year university).

[FriendsoftheProgram via]

Good choice. (smoothest. transition. ever.) Ryan picked a university, that before this publicity stunt, was best known, at least in my mind, as having the strongest bisexual color guard in northeast Alabama (and probably the nation). When I say, bisexual, I don't mean it in the hip, MTV, punch in the ovaries, Tela Tequila kind of way. I mean, on top of the normal girls, The Marching Southerners also have hairy faced, largely rotund dudes in sequined, spandex unitards, spinning fake guns and colorful flags and what not. That must be one hell of a scholarship...

Not that there's anything wrong with a football game...right?

Swifty was One Potty Mouthed Toad Sucker

I'm ashamed to say, I've never seen this movie. Actually...No I'm not ashamed, because I grew up in a Christian home...In the Bible Belt with morals and what not. (He-Man was even of the Devil) So I wasn't exposed to such chicanery, like sinful reader Clint, who sent me this foul mouthed little bit of Deep South folklore called "Six Pack." (Kenny Rodgers has "Oscar-worthy" written all over him) ...

Swifty is quite the colorful character...he masterfully blends "Shove it!", "Kiss off!" and "Fungus Faced Toad Sucker" with "Son's of Bit**es" and "S**t, Mister's." Why hold back, Swift? This was back in the good old days...when "PG" meant anything short of some Kim Cattrall tatas in Porky's.

Jevan Snead is Real, Son

For those on here that feel I should talk about Ole Miss more (????), here's some spring game footage of The Rebels Next Great White Hype...Jevan Snead. To see specifically why the faithful are peeing their Bill's khakis, concentrate real hard starting at 3:56...

Jevan Snead (4), Dexter McCluster (22), Mike Wallace (2), Cordera Eason (25), Markeith Summers (16), Lionel Breaux (21) and more light up Vaught-Hemingway under the direction of Coach Houston Nutt & (Rebel Great) Offensive Coordinator Kent Austin.

Everybody Hates Nick, But Why?

[LWS, i'm sure]

Damn I'm a slack ass lately, eh? It's hard out here for a college football blog in May. That's what a wonderful four day weekend in The Shoals will do for you. (best local joke: "If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?") Anyway, I thought, maybe today I'll get back to writing and some light, friendly smack.

Making fun of Nick Saban is somewhat of a cottage industry in SEC Country. Nick Saban is a stereotype. He's "little man" personified. He a glorified P.E. teacher, but in his mind he's better/more important than all of us (yes, even Kige). He's clearly smarter than us, and he certainly talks down to us ("relative to" ass!). He blames his coaching shortcomings on the character of somebody else's recruits, but when his former recruits achieve great things like at LSU, well of course that was all him. When the media questions his actions (as they should) he belittles them or threatens to take his toys and leave. He treats the Alumni and "friends of the university" like unruly toddlers, and they seem to lap it up because they're so desperate to be "back." (They all hopped up on tha Hopium! ...Trust me, I understand being overly involved in college football, but damn...just, damn) And he's not even the highest paid coach in the SEC anymore (really, Leslie Miles is)... Not to even bring up all the recent arrests...All these things make it really fun to see him fail!

Is anybody scared of Nick Saban? I sure hope not. He's really just an average football coach. Don't get me wrong...He recruits like no other, but his average coaching instincts, ego and lack of respect for anyone around him is a molotov cocktail of entertaining disaster! Damn, it's a good time to be a college football fan in this state.

Tuesday, May 6

Bama Fan of the Week


Meth's a hell of a drug. As is Crimson Tide football. There's nothing quite like a fall Saturday stroll through the Bryant drive flea markets, eatin' funnel cake in my hounds tooth baseball cap, effed up on methamphetamine. I get all tachycardic just thinking about it.

Damn, that's some high quality photoshopage. I have several people to thank: EDSBS for the verbiage...To see more of this brand of dark, disturbing comedy visit The Great Barstoolio...and the heads up from Steven Godfrey. Not to mention the original source material: The Montana Meth Project - whose website has never been more popular. Go meth jokes!

Mindless Morning Youtubery

There's a lot to love about Alabama, but rampant, unabashed ignorance is not on the short list. Especially among our leaders.

This is why there are dry counties throughout our state (and the South) who can't attract quality restaurants, other related businesses or industry ("If they wanna get dranked, we don't need em. They can set they sinnin'-shop somewhere else")...This is why we can't enjoy the Satan's 40 ounces of malt liquor (It's just too danged big. Let 'em buy 24 of the smaller ones instead.")...why the grocery store has to shut down the beer isle on Sunday before noon, which just so happens to be the time when I always seem to want to do the devil's work ("If they ain't at church, let's at least keep 'em from sinnin. Them whores can't help they self.") [/rant]

Well, change in The South moves about as quick as molasses. Just ask the fine folks at Free the Hops Alabama. They don't want much (not any of that crap I was just talking about)...They just want the same rights afforded to beer that have been afforded to wine in this state for decades. Here's a maddening clip that FTH put together. Consider it your daily dose of ignorance, courtesy of our very own elected officials...

[HT: Quin]

In case you didn't get all that the first time, the poster child for Alabama's legislative brain trust...The Pride of Montgomery...Alvin A. Holmes:

Yo, what’s wrong with the beer we got? I mean, the beer we got drank pretty good, don’t it? I ain’t never heard nobody complain about the, uh, beer we have. It drank pretty good. Budweiser. What’s the names of some of them other beers? Budweiser and what else? Miller. Coors. It drank pretty good, don’t it.

Representative Alvin Holmes, 78th Alabama House District - Elected 1974

[Alabama Budweiser Boycott - , youtube]

Saturday, May 3

Note To Self...

Do NOT Get Second Place in the Kentucky Derby

Eight Belles in better days

An equine ambulance reached her on the track and put Eight Belles down.

"There was no possible way to save her," on-call veterinarian Dr. Larry Bramlage said. "She broke both front ankles. That's a bad injury."

Holy Crap! Screw Barbaro. RIP, Eight Belles. Dammit... Some Ambulance, assholes. What happened to "do no harm?" I think i'd rather play on the Iraqi Soccer team.

You run your ass off for some old, rich douchebag and they kill you on the track? At least give her an oat bag and some morphine. Vomit.

"No...No, No. Don't call no damn ambulance an sh*t! I'm walkin' Mother F**cker...Look...See!!"