This Is Why You Suck

A Rival Fan's View Of Your Crap-Ass Team


He Hates Your Team! (damn, I hope this stud is back for more in '07)


Let's be honest here...You're team probably doesn't suck that bad (unless you're a State fan). However, your rival fans would have you believe otherwise. All summer long, you've had to listen to those obnoxious assholes from (insert team) on the internet, talk radio and in the newspapers. Blah, Blah, Blah. Lies, Lies, Lies! No team is spared. So anyway, I thought I would compile their smack into one tight little blog post for you to mull over. Note: These aren't my views (notice the quotes, right)


WEST


Auburn - "Them Barners is just scared of Coach Saban. Now that there's a real Coach at The Capstone, Tuberville is done fore sure. They ain't never gonna get another recruit in this state. They can stick that thumb up they ass! Oh, and Chete Williams had sex with my mother. Promise."

Arkansas - "What the hell is wrong with you white-trash hillbillies? None of us really hate you...we're more concerned than angry. You're like the Kennedy family of SEC football. In 2006 you seemed to have everything going for you early, and you managed to F it all away. Your off season played out about as smoothly as The Hindenburg landing on The Titanic."



Alabama - "What's that smell. It smells like...Desperation. Don't look now bammers, but our coach is paid less than half of what you're getting raped for and we've still got a winning record against that tiny, over-hyped S.O.B. (3-2). How about this...How bout we decimate your weak ass D-line, Groves will "Brodie" Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson, and we'll call it six in a row. Speaking of 6, enjoy another trip to Shreveport...I'm positive the Cajuns won't hurl urine filled bottles at your coach. That is, If he's still your coach at that point. Wow...4 arrests in the last month. Stay Classy, Crimson Tide."



LSU - "How did LSU manage to hire the damn dumbest Head Coach in Division I Football? (Skip Bertman = Outstanding Baseball Coach...Train wreck of an AD) Yeah, Numb-nuts Miles has a great record, but does that have anything to do with him? Or could it be the dearly departed OC, Jimbo Fisher, or the overall #1 pick in the draft, or an amazing boat load of talent. Newsflash: You didn't even win the West last year, much less the SEC. Yes, your shit still stinks. Lose that 'Corky' of a HC and get back to us."



Ole Miss - "Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw Yaw... Walk-on Quarterback? (Coach O song never ceases to get a laugh). So The Ogre is the all-star recruiter of the century but he's starting a Walk-on at the most important position. Yeah, he couldn't start at Division-II Delta State but he's gonna lead Ole Miss to the promise land. It's been fun Orgeron. Better hope Pete Carroll gives you your old job back. Another 3-9 season. Cutcliffe never went 3-9!"

Mississippi State - "Wow, where do I start. You poor bastards haven't tasted a bowl game since Y2K. Kinda hard to bring in the talent when you're not cheating your effin' asses off isn't it? I'm gonna stop right there cause making fun of Crooms boys is like talking shit about my demented grandmother. It's just not right."




EAST

Florida - "Tebow is a jort-sporting, meat-headed bitch. He can't pass worth a damn. He's nothing more than over-hyped, over-sexed fullback who occasionally throws the ball. He certainly ain't no every-down quarterback. Then you've got Herban Meyer and his thuggish-ruggish team of pot smoking cock-bandits. He's turning that program into Miami North. Not to mention he lost his whole defense. Good luck beating Vanderbilt this season, Herban."



Georgia - "That Stafford's a fat drunk. If he spent as much time on the practice field as he did gettin' liquored up and chasin' tail he might live up to his hype. Richt ain't never gonna win the big one. Don't talk to me until you beat Florida when it counts, bitches. Fat, Drunk and Stupid is no way to go through life, Matty."



Kentucky - "Andre' Woodson - The best quarterback nobody gives a shit about. Kentucky beats Georgia, has a winning season, goes to bowl with the best quarterback in the conference and we still give a collective yawn. I think I'm falling asleep just talkin' about Kentucky Football. In conclusion, UK fans don't care...We don't care. Lets move on."

South Carolina - "Blake Mitchell is really best quarterback you could find Spurrier? Really? What is the arrest/embarrassing-fiasco count in your QB depth chart, Steve? I count 4 in the last year. Nice dicipline. I know you're more of the "Xs and Os" kind of coach, but you might want to actually interact with your players...maybe show them you care. Then maybe they'd stop acting out like 19 year old, abused step-children. P.S. - You're soo not winning the SEC at South Carolina an time soon."


when white qbs go bad

Tennessee - "If it isn't Philip Fulmer. 'Fulmer' loosely translates as 'He who does less with more'. Phil just isn't cutting it anymore. He's tricked the hillbillies for 16 some odd years and it's starting to get old. I can't remember the last time UT played in the SEC Championship game. Fat Phil's got all the tools in hand, and he's still shittin' the bed. You make me sick."

Vanderbilt - "Congratulations. Now you've moved up to the 11th least crappy program in the SEC. (Sorry, State) Whenever things seem to be going your way, you always F it up. (See: last years Ole Miss game, or any MTSU game). You've got a great coach, but you're Vanderbilt. Maybe you should get your priorities straight and start cheating your ass off, cause nothing else seems to be working. Look for another 5-7 season. So close!"


Vandy Stereotype Fight