Wednesday, May 14

Swifty was One Potty Mouthed Toad Sucker

I'm ashamed to say, I've never seen this movie. Actually...No I'm not ashamed, because I grew up in a Christian home...In the Bible Belt with morals and what not. (He-Man was even of the Devil) So I wasn't exposed to such chicanery, like sinful reader Clint, who sent me this foul mouthed little bit of Deep South folklore called "Six Pack." (Kenny Rodgers has "Oscar-worthy" written all over him) ...



Swifty is quite the colorful character...he masterfully blends "Shove it!", "Kiss off!" and "Fungus Faced Toad Sucker" with "Son's of Bit**es" and "S**t, Mister's." Why hold back, Swift? This was back in the good old days...when "PG" meant anything short of some Kim Cattrall tatas in Porky's.

Jevan Snead is Real, Son

For those on here that feel I should talk about Ole Miss more (????), here's some spring game footage of The Rebels Next Great White Hype...Jevan Snead. To see specifically why the faithful are peeing their Bill's khakis, concentrate real hard starting at 3:56...



Jevan Snead (4), Dexter McCluster (22), Mike Wallace (2), Cordera Eason (25), Markeith Summers (16), Lionel Breaux (21) and more light up Vaught-Hemingway under the direction of Coach Houston Nutt & (Rebel Great) Offensive Coordinator Kent Austin.

Everybody Hates Nick, But Why?


[LWS, i'm sure]

Damn I'm a slack ass lately, eh? It's hard out here for a college football blog in May. That's what a wonderful four day weekend in The Shoals will do for you. (best local joke: "If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?") Anyway, I thought, maybe today I'll get back to writing and some light, friendly smack.

Making fun of Nick Saban is somewhat of a cottage industry in SEC Country. Nick Saban is a stereotype. He's "little man" personified. He a glorified P.E. teacher, but in his mind he's better/more important than all of us (yes, even Kige). He's clearly smarter than us, and he certainly talks down to us ("relative to"..my ass!). He blames his coaching shortcomings on the character of somebody else's recruits, but when his former recruits achieve great things like at LSU, well of course that was all him. When the media questions his actions (as they should) he belittles them or threatens to take his toys and leave. He treats the Alumni and "friends of the university" like unruly toddlers, and they seem to lap it up because they're so desperate to be "back." (They all hopped up on tha Hopium! ...Trust me, I understand being overly involved in college football, but damn...just, damn) And he's not even the highest paid coach in the SEC anymore (really, Leslie Miles is)... Not to even bring up all the recent arrests...All these things make it really fun to see him fail!

Is anybody scared of Nick Saban? I sure hope not. He's really just an average football coach. Don't get me wrong...He recruits like no other, but his average coaching instincts, ego and lack of respect for anyone around him is a molotov cocktail of entertaining disaster! Damn, it's a good time to be a college football fan in this state.

Tuesday, May 6

Bama Fan of the Week

173460_A6.indd

Meth's a hell of a drug. As is Crimson Tide football. There's nothing quite like a fall Saturday stroll through the Bryant drive flea markets, eatin' funnel cake in my hounds tooth baseball cap, effed up on methamphetamine. I get all tachycardic just thinking about it.

Damn, that's some high quality photoshopage. I have several people to thank: EDSBS for the verbiage...To see more of this brand of dark, disturbing comedy visit The Great Barstoolio...and the heads up from Steven Godfrey. Not to mention the original source material: The Montana Meth Project - whose website has never been more popular. Go meth jokes!

Mindless Morning Youtubery

There's a lot to love about Alabama, but rampant, unabashed ignorance is not on the short list. Especially among our leaders.

This is why there are dry counties throughout our state (and the South) who can't attract quality restaurants, other related businesses or industry ("If they wanna get dranked, we don't need em. They can set they sinnin'-shop somewhere else")...This is why we can't enjoy the Satan's 40 ounces of malt liquor (It's just too danged big. Let 'em buy 24 of the smaller ones instead.")...why the grocery store has to shut down the beer isle on Sunday before noon, which just so happens to be the time when I always seem to want to do the devil's work ("If they ain't at church, let's at least keep 'em from sinnin. Them whores can't help they self.") [/rant]

Well, change in The South moves about as quick as molasses. Just ask the fine folks at Free the Hops Alabama. They don't want much (not any of that crap I was just talking about)...They just want the same rights afforded to beer that have been afforded to wine in this state for decades. Here's a maddening clip that FTH put together. Consider it your daily dose of ignorance, courtesy of our very own elected officials...


[HT: Quin]

In case you didn't get all that the first time, the poster child for Alabama's legislative brain trust...The Pride of Montgomery...Alvin A. Holmes:


Yo, what’s wrong with the beer we got? I mean, the beer we got drank pretty good, don’t it? I ain’t never heard nobody complain about the, uh, beer we have. It drank pretty good. Budweiser. What’s the names of some of them other beers? Budweiser and what else? Miller. Coors. It drank pretty good, don’t it.

Representative Alvin Holmes, 78th Alabama House District - Elected 1974


[Alabama Budweiser Boycott - al.com , youtube]

Saturday, May 3

Note To Self...

Do NOT Get Second Place in the Kentucky Derby


Eight Belles in better days

An equine ambulance reached her on the track and put Eight Belles down.

"There was no possible way to save her," on-call veterinarian Dr. Larry Bramlage said. "She broke both front ankles. That's a bad injury."



Holy Crap! Screw Barbaro. RIP, Eight Belles. Dammit... Some Ambulance, assholes. What happened to "do no harm?" I think i'd rather play on the Iraqi Soccer team.

You run your ass off for some old, rich douchebag and they kill you on the track? At least give her an oat bag and some morphine. Vomit.


"No...No, No. Don't call no damn ambulance an sh*t! I'm walkin' Mother F**cker...Look...See!!"

Wednesday, April 30

Deep Thoughts


A metaphor

- Don't you love it when you wake up at 6 and feel like you just passed out at 5:30 after a night of debauchery and Irish car bombs? I went to bed at 11 and I didn't drink a drop, however I feel like God's thumping my brain and I can barely string sentences together. Is this what it's like to get old?

- The genius, Ole Miss AD, Pete Boone, came out a couple months ago and said Ole Miss is gonna get the biggest High Def video board in the SEC (what a tease - He even had the nerve to say "We're gonna do this thing right."). Then instead of bidding it out to a proven company like Daktronics, who did Auburn's kick ass HD video board and upgrade for $3 million (among countless other Pro video boards) he attempted to hand the bid over to a digital billboard company out of Laurel Mississippi who has never even attempted anything like this (HD) that specializes in Kentucky Fried Chicken signage (I sh*t you not). Then, before the bid could be officially awarded, luckily the younger more tech savvy fanbase got wind of it and raised holy hell. Now Telesouth, Ole Miss' advertising and marketing pimp is rebidding the deal in mid-May...but don't you worry Ole Miss fans!!!!!!1 This monster project will surely be ready for the Memphis game in September. Typical Old South bulls**t. Some Son of a prominent football player on the board of trustees: "Sorry we can get anything done right and in a timely manner cause... but hey! My cousin's got this great little KFC sign bidness down Laurel way...Yeah, he useta do dry-wall but he's tryin' his hand at outdoor signs an s**t. He says he can hook you boys up with a Jumbo-tron for cheap." Read more about "the progress" on a great new Ole Miss blog, The Red Solo Cup.

- My thoughts on the whole BCS "no plus-one" thing as posted in response to some Pac-10 fan douche on a California Golden Bears Football blog...

HydroTech said...

I personally think the BCS is a good idea that makes college football unique and more exciting than any other sport. Unfortunately, it's only "good" and not "great." The BCS could be great without the influence of money. Having conference champions get automatic bids, is in my opinion, the worst part of the BCS and the reason why it's not quite living up to it's potential. Year after year, teams ranked higher in the BCS than a lower ranked conference champion get snubbed for the lower ranked conference champion because the BCS requires that the conference champion play in the BCS. Conferences have each paid large amounts of money to insure that their champions are insured a BCS bowl. This, in my opinion, is the mistake. It causes these "BCS Bowl Game whippings" you're talking about. Back in 2004 when Utah beat Pitt, I think Pitt was ranked like #20 in the nation and had 3 losses. The didn't deserve to be in the BCS. I think the teams that play in the BCS bowls should be the highest ranked teams to fill those slots regardless of whether they are conference champs or whether a conference has like 3 teams that would go to BCS bowls. Of course, that'd never happen because conferences are too afraid of not getting any teams into the BCS bowls, but I think if we want to see the highest quality games played in the BCS bowls, then just take the top ranked 8 or 10 teams in the BCS and stick 'em in the BCS bowls. With this type of system, Cal would have made a BCS bowl in 2004.


Erik said...

"I personally think the BCS is a good idea that makes college football unique and more exciting than any other sport."

Yeah, well your opinion is wrong. How does the BCS make College Football better than March Madness? The BCS Is Worthless. All it did is bring everybody together under one money making organization. It does nothing for the fans or players. If you want to claim that college football is unique (read: confusing and contrived) then say you want us to go back to the traditional Bowl arrangement. Right now, we've got a sh*t sandwich. But at least it's a unique sh*t sandwich, right?

College football is the greatest game in the world, and it would be even greater and more exciting if it had a legitimate ending. Right now, college football is the equivalent of "No Country for Old Men." It starts off badass then you end up thinking, this can't end well and you always end up with a "WTF?" feeling.

May 1, 2008 5:44 AM

- Pictures that make me go "WTF?":


Welcome Saban Julio-Waylon Smith



*blank stare*



Boy's just excited to be there, ain't he



The most powerful man in college football. really?

Tuesday, April 29

Bama Fan of the Week

The Magic Man

Typical. Actually, this is probably one of the cooler Bammers I've ever come across. They call him "The Magic Man" and he does cigarette tricks, he dances like MJ...anything to keep the Bama fratties entertained. I can't wait to interview him when I go down to Tuscaloosa on a comedic recon mission this fall...


Every SEC town should beso lucky as to have a guy like this in residence. Would this Athenian qualify?

Friday, April 25

My New Favorite SEC Football Player


Jason Cook - he's smarter than you

Typical SEC football player? 5-11, 248 pounds of eff you up?...Check. Menacing stare?...Check.

Jason Cook is a fullback, so like most glorified offensive linemen, we, as typical fans, pay little attention to him (unless he makes a bone-headed play- like that fullback in The Program -or he's Rick Razzano). He doesn't get the ball much and rarely shows up in the box score (hopefully that will change this season cause he's a great receiver out of the backfield).

He doesn't have a ridiculously awesome name (Yeah, I'm looking at you, De'Cody), he doesn't counterfeit bills as to make it rain, he doesn't even talk about himself in the third person, as in "Jason Cook loves to bring the pain."

Until this week, I just figured Jason Cook fit right in with the rest of the questionable qualifiers/big dumb animals...then I read his blog on OleMissSports.com, and it made me a believer.

“It’s been a long, long time coming but I know change gon’ come. Oh yes it will.” Sam Cooke could not have said it better. There is a natural human tendency to abhor change. Yet during this period of change that we are going through, there is no sentiment of regret or disdain for change. Instead, change has been embraced and appreciated. There is a great feeling in the Ole Miss Rebel locker room; one of liberation and great anticipation of what is to come in the future."

[rebelog - the rest is just as impressive]

ab·hor (ăb-hôr')- To regard with horror or loathing; detest

WTF? This dude writes better than I do...and I can't block a linebacker for s**t. I don't usually count on my vocabulary word-o-the-day coming from a SEC football player either. Turns out, Jason "abhorred" the whole criminal justice/sociology trend among athletes (like Rick Razzano) and went and decided to major in English, with a minor in political science.

Hmmm...so not only is Jason Cook one of the best fullbacks in the SEC, but his prose would have Faulkner soiling his pantaloons (wrong era?).

All that to say, Big 10 Commisioner Jim Delaney, you can gag on some Jason Cook verbiage, bitch.

[HT: someonestolemyusernamedamnit]

Wednesday, April 23

Classy Bama Tee Shirt Central



It seems the "Got Recruits?" tee has opened up a veritable Pandora's box of high quality UAT apparel. I have to thank reader Jonathan for directing my attention to the "Roll Tide" cafepress store that promotes all things awesome and crimson. I'm fairly certain that these outstanding tee-shirt ideas are not the brain-child of a singular tider (one man's brain could never conceive of such greatness), but the pooled creativity and wit of an entire fanbase. (Yes, these are all REAL Bama tee-shirts, ready to ship for $20) Enjoy...


Uncle Rico shares your pride in this 27 year old accomplishment.



This classic even comes in a fun little tote bag. Not sure you can really say that "The Tide Turned" though. Doesn't the tide turning involve some sort of change, one way or the other? Does going from 6-6 with Shula to 6-6 with Saban constitute a change? Two straight Indy bowls? Maybe something more along the lines of "The Tide Stagnated"?




Ok, that's disturbing. And dumb. Does Meth give you bloody urine? You could wear this shirt, or...or you could just scribble "Registered Sex Offender" on your forehead.


I "fear the process" of dumbing down America's rednecks. Who's gonna tile my effin' bathroom? If I see anybody wearing this shirt they are going to be the recipient of a well deserved swift kick to the crotch in a valiant attempt to damage their evil reproductive organs. Fair warning.


Last, but not least...




Enlarged:

Click here to read the totally relevant and inspirational Roll Tide Bible verse that's printed on the back...just above the hardy RTR!! which is appropriately written in the Lord's blood. (God's a Tider)

It's perfect. Except for the sleeves...gotta lose the sleeves.


[get yours today: 176 awesome, witty, classy tees to choose from]