Friday, September 26

GeekSheet Report

Your best friend on gameday (not our actual geek)

Starting what I hope will be a semi-regular feature here on DSS is updates from the friendly wagering world via my boy at The Geek Sheet Sports. Good people, from right here in the Deep South, with some solid numbers in their corner: 12-4 on the season's recommended plays (now I'm no mathmagician, but I'm pretty sure that's 75% Win). So, what I'm saying is...this might be the only worthwhile feature on this God forsaken site. It could even make you a dollar or two if you're smart. Lookit...

The Bold and Most not so Beautiful SEC, comments and predictions

I’d like to open our inaugural post from the with a thanks to our elegant, handsome, brilliant and witty host, Erik for allowing us to share our weekly thoughts on the soap opera that is the SEC. Hopefully these gratuitous complements won’t go un-noticed and will buy us at least a week or two in this space, presuming it tanks as bad as we suspect it will!

Ohh the beauty of SEC football, or perhaps really just their fans, I mean in what other sport, conference, or geographic location is it more important to openly display the hatred you have for your cross town rival than it is the love for your alma matter (or in the case of your mortal enemy the love they blindly have for the team in the state where they graduated middle school). Where else is it so important that you contain such a complete understanding of your teams offense or defense, whereby you can openly discuss and debate why that dumb a** OC / DC/ HC continues not to play (insert unheralded freshman or rFr recruit of choice), or call that same play that all 80,000 / 90,000 / 1000,000 people in the stadium (half of whom didn’t graduate college and the other half which can’t spell college because they’ve drowned themselves in bourbon prior to the all too familiar 3 Dave’s 100 degree September afternoon kickoff classic). God forbid the drama that ensues on the messages boards during the games from the people to stupid or lazy to even go to the game, but have an even keener sense of things as they have the luxury of watching, rewinding, and analyzing in slow motion the ensuing debacle that comes from being a fan of (insert team of choice). Perhaps even better is the unbridled optimism that can ensue after a 2 point victory over the direction Michigan school for the blind, after a particularly good offensive performance compared to the catastrophic apocalypse on the horizon that comes after a hard fought victory over a conference rival if the offense doesn’t score 100 points and rack up 1000 yards….Good love those brilliant football minds.

With a moment of clarity it occurred to me that the drama we choose to create, more times than not in a completely irrational and unjust manner isn’t too dissimilar to the calamity that is our testosterone lacking compatriots from Venus. When the wine and estrogen starts flowing we run for the sanctity and cover of college football, and the self destruction that ensues…because remember, we are the sane ones…right?

Anyway, with that mostly likely long, incoherent, and un-necessary bit of rambling out of the way, we’ll move on with our inaugural post, honoring the bizarre soap opera that is SEC football (as played out in the eyes of its beloved fans). We’ll have a little bit of fun with everyone, and hopefully give you a little bit of advice along the way (to the degree I can forcibly remove my genetic and paternal biases for those stupid F-ing inbreeds up the road). With that said, we’re off…

Game of the Week

Abalamer vs Leg Humpers

Ponder for a second what this must be like for a poor Auburn fan living in Atlanta? On one hand you’ve been raised your entire life to hate the cheaters on the west side of the state (presuming your are a multi-generational War Eagler and not a carpet baggin trust fund baby from Buckhead too stupid to get into Athens Tech that has infiltrated your beloved home on the plains like a cancer that won’t stop spreading…this is the cow-college damn it)…on the other you have the seemingly never ending UGA promotional video and ads that is the Atlanta press combined with the seemingly unending supply of Ugly alums that seem to percolate the atmosphere thicker than a code red smog alert day in the summer (for those of you not from Atlanta that means it is suffocating)…I guess there is such a thing as hell on earth.

What interests me more about this game, is the show down that is liable to ensue on the pedestrian walkway in A-town Saturday evening…not just the mullets from north Alabama vs the red-dadios from Moultrie (although that cultural class will surely be one for the ages), but consider what happens when Mr. Bear Bryant Back Tat toting his big ole A flag bumps into that big bald overall wearing fattie from UGA with the bulldog painted on his head…wow, I’d pay the scalper 3 large for the privilege to see that…I wonder if the guys from National Geographic will be there to capture this chance encounter?

The actual game itself I suspect will be a pretty good one, although I question how good and proven the Bama offense is. Every week that victory over Clemson looks worse and worse, and no offense to Casey Dick but there is a reason D-Mac lined up at QB last year and Nutter sold his sold to the devil to get Mustain along with the baggage that came with him. UGA has been very good defending the run, and I don’t see how Bama makes anything of substance happen on the ground in this game (I won’t bore you with the statistical support). Without a ground game Sarah Jessica Parker starts to look more like Little Dick from the hills of Arkansas than the Tony Romo of late.

I am a little less sure of what happens on the other side of the ball as the humpers have looked pretty good thus far, but so has Little Nicky’s crew. Despite the Pac 10 hatred we all can agree on, Arizona State does have a legitimate defense (by left coast standards), and, statistically, what UGA did last week is impressive (far more impressive than Sabans efforts to date vs a pretty pitiful slate of defensive opponents).

A TD is a lot to lay in this game, and my guess is it will be relatively close for a while…still as Nick says, “it is a process”, and I think the success early against some very bad teams has the Tide Pride a little over-amped…Leg Humpers 28 Roll Tide 17

The Second Fiddle Game of the Week– which just so happens to involve two perpetual second fiddles

The Great Pumpkin in the Hills vs Dumbo gone amuck

The two great cartoonish coaches of the conference clash in this battle of big orange vs big ears, although watching both of late makes you wonder if anything big is going to happen offensively. UCLA’s continued implosion could potentially end up being worse by year end than Big Nicks glorious egg vs the War Hawks last season (how do you get pounded by 21 to Arizona? I mean their coach isn’t even the best coach in his family?), and Awburn continues to find new ways to self destruct offensively (and why shouldn’t they, they hired the Guru who was just hiding all these years near the condom producing capitol of the world…where I would be 1st to look when trying to find an offensive mind capable of competing in the best conference in the land).

Both these schools constantly fight the second fiddle status whether it be the War Eaglers contempt for thier corn dog friends to the south or the mullet nation to the west, or Good Ole Rocky Top who can’t seem to get over the “hump” consistently vs the the humpers or the proprietors of factory denim shorts down in North FL. My guess is we’ll get a second rate performance from both here in a game that will probably dissolve into a contest of who can avoid screwing it up the most…I’ll lean with the dual nick-named home team, presuming they embrace the dual QB strategy…Deep Orange 24 Faded Orange 16

3 Dave’s caliber contests

David vs Goliath (Act 1 and 2) –

Whether it Nutt or Croom, Miles or Meyer this one is about the same… Croom and Nutt will try and run the ball 99% of the time, hope like hell Meyer or Miles does enough un-necessary and unbelievably stupid (or perhaps brilliant) things that the poor peasants from the hills won’t get absolute destroyed by the Kings of the lands….The former Mormon leader and his now missionary leading general stand a bit more of a chance for a slightly contested contest here than The HAT and his corndog crew further west. Nutt’s got the makings of a respectable offense, poor Croom’s got Nutt-in…All in all 40 something for the big guys…State is lucky to get 10 w/o a backfire or two by the lunatic leader of the corn dog nation…Ole Nutt probably gets 14, maybe a late one late for 20. Either way, I hope the Dave’s bring their A game, and have a great montage prepared of Saint Tebow’s good work, because this should prove to be a pretty boring game (same-same for the nite cap hosted by brilliant color man Michelle Tafoya, or I supposed color woman…wow, that is inspiring).

Don’t waste your time---and I won’t either

South Carolina v UAB How is Darth Visors offense favored by 24 over anyone? Have they scored 24 all season, I guess it helps they get a UAB team that isn’t even the best team in their city (props to Samford). Still, DVs horrific QB and passing situation doesn’t give me any confidence. Still the Cocks have a really hard D (been waiting a while to put that in print), and I can’t see UAB doing any better than they did vs UT… Cocks 31 Blazers 6

Directional Kentucky vs non-directional Kentucky

Pop Quiz – How many D1 teams did WKU face last year…Answer – 12, although over half where 1AA, 7 vs 1-AA team, and a 7-5 record w/ 5 games vs the mighty Sun Belt…you do the math…Enough said…UK 34 Topers 13

Pigtrino vs the place where Auburn DCs go to become head coaches

I bet ole Bobby wishes Mack Brown liked to get offensive coordinators head coaching jobs as well as the defensive variety, maybe they can exchange numbers and discuss new ways to poach on poor dumbo later this season as they both seemingly like to do. Dick gets the pigs slaughtered here, badly…you’ll find out two things after this game…how bad Arkansas is and how irrelevant the Tides victory against them last week was. Major League affiliate for AAA Auburn Tiger Defensive Coaches 43 – when pigs fly 17.

Good luck to everyone, drink too much, yell at the TV because the coaches can actually here you, and remember if you are on the taking end of it this week, you always have your class which the other team doesn’t…

For more info on other games this week, and a slightly less condescending approach, check us out on our blog…

Till next week

The Geek


  1. "The former Mormon leader"

    Given the huge rivalry between UU and BYU, and UU's role as the last bastion of secularism in that state, they'd probably find that a really funny way to refer to Urban.

    In any event, cool feature. This was a fun read.

    - PhilipVU94

  2. i've got to admit, i only read a couple of your predictions and i found them pretty absurd. i think that you are trying a little too hard to be funny and you are not really pulling that off at all. your picks may be spot on but i won't get that far to look at them because of the nonsense that you try horribly to get to the reader. it just isn't for me.

    one more thing, this blog has really taken a hit the last couple of weeks, or probably months. i used to read this thing all of the time and laugh my ass off. now i check it occasionally and find that the same shit that was posted last week is still up. listen, i realize that we've all got other things in our lives that are a lot more important than college football but when you've dedicated yourself to promoting an sec blog, back it up a bit please. i would give you a B+ on your blog last year because it was up to date and just about every day you were updating, you'd get a C-, D+ on the effort now.

    just one persons opinion on this. i'll check back next week to see if anything has changed.

    take care and great win today for the reb's, that was awesome!!

  3. Mr. Poopy Pants,

    You're gonna need to make a significant effing donation to my paypal account if you're gonna come in here talking shit like you're some Boss pissed off about substandard TPS reports. Kindly remove the corncob from your ass


  4. no sweat erik, you are a fantastic smart ass and i don't wish to get into an argument with you over what you have and have not done. like i said, i realize that we all have real lives outside of college football so i guess i can understand that you are a little more lax in your postings than other college bloggers. all i was trying to say is that i wish you would do more because i appreciated your humor.

    by the way, you suck.