Tuesday, July 10

SEC Reality Shows

Have you ever thought that your school and/or football program needed a reality show? Of course you have. Otherwise, you wouldn't be at work checking a college football blog in July. So, assuming the consent of the football program (a slight assumption), these are the shows I would pitch to the networks, and I would make billions.

SEC West:

- Bama's Back? - The Rise of Sabanism

Lets start off with an easy one. How could this not be a #1 hit that makes American Idol look like watching C-SPAN at your grandmother's quilting convention in Jasper.

What would the over/under be on the number of the fan's, media and administration's children that Saban would eat per episode? And you thought Rush Probst was an egomaniacal asshat. After reading Saban's Itinerary, I'd be watching this 24/7 a la The Truman Show.

Plus, seeing Saban's cranium explode after his first loss to Houston on homecoming would take me to a very happy place. It would appear on Fox, but with Saban's filthy mouth, it would be much better suited for Showtime.

Auburn - How Big is Your Love?

Kenny Irons stars in a Bachelor-esque reality show where they pit 7 "average" ladies against 7 small midget dwarfs for all of Kenny's love and affection. The city of Auburn would host the spectacle and there would be plenty of mud wrastlin', 7 on 7 football and dates to whatever bar currently occupies the locale formally known as "The Blue Room." Obviously, this would appeal to the VH1 crowd that somehow embraces Flavor of Love.

Arkansas - Hawgasm

This Telenovela would make everybody in the Natural State forget about The Simple Life (the edsbs archives). The storylines are breathtaking. Character's include Beck Campbell and her Springdale Posse, Diane Nutt, Donna Bragg, Frank Broyles, Gus Malzahn, Darren McFadden, Dick Nut Johnson and that dips**t with the Arkansas fan poll... Why? Cause Arkansas fans are as crazy as Bama fans without all that old timey "Tradition" in the spank bank. In essence, this would be the only show in town, and what a magnificent multi layered show it would be.

would play out like a true life Pulp Fiction, with all the characters doin' they own thing until they come together in the end at Manhattan's Downtown Athletic Club for the Heisman Presentation...But when the curtain flies back...It's Coach Nutt, Beck Campbell and Lee Corso in how do I say...An unorthodox formation...playing a lively game of naked tag! And in the closest Heisman vote ever, the Award goes to Brian Brohm. WTF?! America's not ready for this brand of reality yet. This would certainly be a Telemundo exclusive.

LSU - Everybody Hates Les

Could this guy be anymore of a dickass turdface? All I know is he's a public relations nightmare, and he would make great TV. (Not that LSU fans care about any of that s**t - They'll piss all over you) Lester's assault on Hayley LaFontaine was truly something to behold. Yes, this walking, mouth-breathing bobble-head has all the cockiness of Saban and all the smarts of Gump. A lethal combination...unless you're looking for ratings. Which we are.

Mississippi State - The Slytanic

How to lose a Black SEC Head Football Coach in 60 Days. Lets face it. Things aren't exactly hunky dory in Starkganistan. This is Sly's 4th season in at MSU and the Bulldogs haven't tasted Bowl since Y2K when hell froze over (literally) in Shreveport. In fact, they haven't even won more than three games in a season! More importantly, there are Zero signs of improvement on the horizon (read: recruiting) Everybody wants Crooms to succeed real bad (at least they used ta), but this isn't The Post Office, and he's gonna have to show us something on the bottom line to even sniff year 5.

Basically, the show would revolve around how the administration is going to try and save face in this inevitable s**t storm of a firing. Sharpton, say what?

Ole Miss - The Courting of Jerrell Powe

Will this story ever effing die? This might make for a better novel than reality TV show. Jerrell Powe, the most sought after high school player that the state of Mississippi has produced since Marcus Dupree is trying for the old "third time's the charm" bulls**t. Jerrell has been denied college by the NCAA twice and now the Ole Miss administration is getting sick of all these shenanigans. Even his Momma, the one who's supposed to be forever in his corner, was callin' bulls**t on Jerrell. She was quoted as saying something along the lines of "That Mother F**ker Can't Read, Y'all!"

Needless to say, it was an ugly scene and made all the papers. Illiteracy issues aside, this show is a producer's wet dream. Plus, anything that involves The Orgeron is good for you and good for TV. If you ever thought that The Program needed a Reality based sequel, this show is for you.

Orgeron is money in the bank


  1. Well, the Saban show would have one thing in common. Only people in Alabama would give a damn about it.

    I like the Irons angle. Did you ever read his interview on the Auburn website? Pretty amusing.

  2. You know, thinking a little more about the Saban show. I think it could work.

    Each show would consist of nothing but Saban in front of a white wall, seated at a table. In front of him would be a microphone, and a phone book. He would stare coldly into the camera for the first five minutes of each show. Then, he would open the phone book to the first page. He would start with the first name in the book, "I am better than Allen Aaron because I'm Nick F'n Saban." Then he would go on, "I am better than Allen L Aaron because I'm Nick F'n Saban." This would go on until he got tired or bored with it (probably 3 to 5 names), and then he would get up and walk away. The camera would stay focused on the wall, microphone, table, phone book, and empty chair for the remainder of the show. I guarantee you it would set ratings records in this state.

  3. I like where you're head's at, auaround. That would be borderline spank-tra-vision for some folks in this state.

  4. Hey, when you live in a town like Birmingham and aren't a Bama fan...it's bound to happen! Love the blog. Keep it up.