Thursday, July 31

Top 10 Reasons Bama Ain't "Back" In 2008



This is dedicated to all the Tider's honest 9-3, 10-2, 11-1 predictions that I've had the pleasure of hearing on Birmingham sport talk this summer. It's quite the vomitous affair. Be it a Friend of Bama conversing about "a '08 champyunship" or discussing how The Tide would soo hypothetically skulldrag numerous lower level NFL franchises. Be that as it may, in friendly retaliation, I give you The Top 10 Reason's Bama Ain't "Back" in '08:


1. John Parker Wilson is still the quarterback. Bama fans seem to quickly forget how much blame and hate they laid at poor Sarah Jessica's feet in 2007. Talk about a nose dive. He's not necessarily as bad as some Alabama fans would have had you believe (last season when they hated him)...He's just not really that good either. Expect more of the same here.

2. 3rd offensive coordinator in as many years. I love how fair Major Applewhite now takes all the heat for the underwhelming performance in two-thousand-Saban. Doth Saban not err?

3. There's only one experienced/talented linebacker on a squad that needs about eight. Remember...Saban fancies a 3-4 Defense, and that's gonna be damn tough with a couple 180-pound, honky walk-ons roaming the defensive backfield. (Scared, say "scared!!")

4. It's an even year (as in '08), so the schedule is hard as balls. @ Athens, @ Knoxville, @ Baton Rouge and @ Fayettenam. Luckily for the Tide, LA Monroe rolls off the schedule, but the War Hawks are replaced with equally-as-impressive (pfffff) Arkansas State, Western-Kentucky and Tulane. Oh yeah, Clemson is a preseason top 10 team that played its last game in The Georgia Dome (against Auburn). Guess where they play Alabama to kick off the season? (The Tiders might need more than one quality LB to stop the best RB tandem in the nation) All this to say, going .500 with this year's schedule will be a vast improvement over last season's cake walk 6-6.

5. Bama fans love to talk about how they were "one missed tackle from beating BCS Champyun LSU" or "one play away from beatin' Georgia." "We was so gosh damn close to 9 wins baby. RTR!!!" Odd. Somehow they fail to mention that they were "one play away" from losing to Ole Miss, Houston, Arkansas and Colorado. Seriously. effing 9 wins? Try 3. 6-6 isn't looking so bad, now is it?

6. Saban has developed a reputation, and it's not a good one. Forget his reputation in the media, how does his obtuseness (putting it kindly) effect the program on-the-field? Well, why do you think he always seems to hire supposed "young, up-and-comers" as "coordinators?" Because nobody already worth a shit will work for him. To have a great program, you must have great assistants (see: Tommy Tuberville). You either have to develop them or you have to get lucky (see: Saban at LSU). Notice where Jimbo and Muschamp are now? Sitting on sweet gigs with two of the friendliest, most laid back Head Coaches in college football. Saban's like a evil, psycho ex-girlfriend to those guys, and they're waving everybody else off of her skank-ass.

7. Saban doesn't seem to think that motivating his team is the head coach's business. It's been documented that Saban's bringing in sports psychologists and various other work/life gurus. Like so many misguided father figures with a fat bankroll, he's decided to throw a bunch a money at the "character" and "motivation" issues of his crimson family. (dramatic pause) But what these at-risk youth really need is a hug. That and maybe a pre-game 8-ball. Which leads me to my next point...

8. The Players appear to hate playing football for Saban. They're not having fun and they most certainly quit on his 4 million dollar ass in two-thousand-saban. To the players and the staff, he comes across with all the warmth and concern of an Iraqi dictator/soccer coach. Plus, it doesn't help when a coach deflects all the blame for a loss toward his subjects players. That's never a crowd pleaser. When something goes wrong in 2008 (and it will) look for the physical incarnation of the players telling Nicky to "go to hell." (see: last season's tailspin)

9. General Bad Karma resulting from all the cop fighting, pit bull breeding, dope smoking and crack rock slangin', motha f***a!

10. What does "Bama's Back" even mean these days? In my humble definition it would mean at least, "back to Atlanta," and that's a tall order for such an underwhelming group. The road to "backness" is paved with land mines. Not the least of which is LSU in Red Stick and Auburn at Bryant-Denny(where, as you know, they've never, ever beat The Tigers) So when will "the tide rise?" When will Bama be truely and unequivocally "back?" By gawd...When can the Tiders print some new, witty tee-shirts?

Don't worry though. Next year is the year.

55 comments:

  1. when you're writing this stuff do you feel as ridiculous as it comes off when i read it??

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  2. It feels slightly less ridiculous than hearing about Bama's 9 or 10 win season with a harder schedule and a less talented and less experienced team.

    Just wish some of these fools would whip out a schedule for a reality check.

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  3. I think it's refreshing to hear someone talk honestly about their program.

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  4. FN LOVE IT!!! Ridonkulous my ass, he must be Finebum.

    Eric, straight up greatness...and honestly.

    Gotta come by the tailgate for a handshake if you make it back to Auburn this year.

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  5. honesty?? damn near every one of the ten contains a fair amount of speculation.

    look, i consider myself a realistic bama fan, but obviously i realize there are some f'ing idiots in the bama fanbase. hell i actually agree with a certain amount of this, but if you're going to tear into every fan base b/c a certain percentage of them are optimistic to the point of being retarded, you're going to be pretty damn busy. oh wait, you don't have your head up the ass of any other program.

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  6. Wow, it is to take shots at a team when they are down. It is going to take a few years but he does a wonderful job recruiting people to his program.

    Roll Tide Roll!

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  7. I think that the stones thrown from Oxford's glass house are pretty strong.

    And to call Jim McElwain (our new OC) "nobody already worth a shit" is kind of silly. He's an established coordinator at Fresno State after working with the Oakland Raiders, Louisville and Michigan State. Not hardly a graduate assistant. And Joe Pendry is a veteran of college football.

    Not ALL Bama fans are as rabidly insanely predicting 12 win seasons like you say. Some of us have said all along a 9 win season would be remarkable. Nine wins means winning all the home games (except Auburn) and winning 3 of the following: Clemson, @LSU, @UT, @Arkansas, @UGA, and Auburn.

    Not impossible, but a tall order.

    And yes, I'm assuming a win over Ole Miss in this scenario. Call me crazy, but for this year, I'd take JPW over Snead.

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  8. Oh, and sorry - you can find me at www.bamasportsreport.com.

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  9. gerry, isn't it all speculation in July?

    Don't take speculation away from me! It's all I've got this summer. That and Kige Ramsey.

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  10. that wasn't really directed at you erik as much as the comments. i don't have a problem with speculation until people begin to take it as gospel.

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  11. Enjoy the hell out of the site. I'm an AU grad but I live in lovely Montana, so your site is about the only unbiased SEC reporting I can find. Glad I'm not in Bama with the bammers. WDE.

    -davis

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  12. Appreciate the kind words, Davis. And don't you worry. This site will never waiver in bringing you the most unbiased and classy SEC reporting in the great state of Alabama.

    Thanks for stopping by.

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  13. "unbiased"

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

    davis PLEASE keep coming back b/c you're f'ing hilarious.

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  14. I'm really sick of hearing about how Bama's lack of experience on either side of the ball will not be an issue because they had the number 1 recruiting class last year. Florida, UGA, and LSU also had top ten classes. In the ultra biased world of recruiting, is a number 1 class that much better than a number 3 or 5 class? Not to mention these other schools are pretty much 3 deep at every position not including the new recruits. I forsee Clemson, UGA, UT, LSU, and Auburn running and passing all over Bama's ass.

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  15. When I think of Bama being back I was assuming they were bringing the plant back to Birmingham. Most of the jelly is now made in the Welch's plant. One day these UAT fans will realize that Bama is a food product and not a school or a football team.

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  16. Except for the nonsense about the coordinators....this guy is probably right. My fellow Bama fans need to settle down. Hopefully we'll be able to contend again for the west in the next 2 or 3 years...but NOT this year.

    I'm saying 5-7 for Bama this year.

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  17. To Gerry Dorsey: if you are the 'realistic' bama fan that you claim to be, you should realize that Erik explains the epitome of Alabama football in this post..

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  18. good call anonymous...you got me there.

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  19. best. comment. ever. Your caps lock appears to be stuck though.

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  20. Theres nothing a gump could say that would make me try and read that garbage pile of a post. lose the caps you retard.

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  21. Capitalize the beginning of both sentences first,then decide on another third grade comment to reply with.

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  22. Come on, y'all, it really was an intelligent rant.

    If you ever wondered what posting in crayon looks like, your mystery is solved. Just like Nixon, I guess we don't have certain teams to kick around anymore.

    I'm thinking of calling my own LSUBR, and we already have UGA...see ANON, it's catching!

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  23. FaIr EnOuGh.......

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  24. 4 year school in Tuscaloosabad = UAT

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  25. You aubies love to talk about our lack of experience. I don't think that it is ever more important to have an experienced QB...which AU does not have. The receivers that all AU fans said were a weakness last year are back...and will be used more than ever. Your QB couldn't play much last year because he couldn't learn the offense. Now you all think he'll learn this one which is supposed to be much harder. You guys' opinion changes like the wind. Most of it are based on what Alabama does anyway. Had we gone to the spread, you clowns would be laughing it up. You'll see.

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  26. 6 in a row, soon to be 7. Bama will be back to being Auburn's bitch yet again this year but that is it.

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  27. Someone up there put 5 and 7 for Bama in '08? Damn, thats a tough prediction for even the most crazed Auburn fan. In reality I see an 8 and 4 year, that considering UA beats AU. However if they do not, it could easily be 8 and 5 (maybe 9 with an Independence Bowl win!). I think there are some games this year that will be close but UA want lose the ones they SHOULD win this year. Come one, 5 and 7 wow. Thats and Auburn fan dreaming. Some UA fans may be on the opposite end of this spectrum but I don't think either realistic fan on either side thinks Bama goes 5 and 7. The thing about Bama is they didn't lose a game by less than 7 points to anyone last year. Granted one was to LA. Monroe but that stat is still big. The lack of experience this year on defense will produce much of the same, close but heartbreaking games as last year but Bama will win the ones they should (a.k.a--Tulane, West. Kentucky, and Ark. State). If they take care of the lower SEC teams on the schedule and win either at Tenn., at LSU, or AU then an 8 or 9 win season is not unrealistic, in my humble opinion. However, most of the SEC games will be close and it will depend on who makes a play late and lately, that team hasn't been Bama. On the other hand, 5 and 7? I don't think so. Saban doesn't want that heat on him.

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  28. You must really crave the attention that you're getting with this dribble that you type for this cyberspace garbage dump of a blog.

    What happened?

    Your Mom pull you off the tit too early?

    Tried to get in 'Bama and were rejected?

    Are you a latch key kid who was always searching for Mom and Daddy's love but they weren't there for you?

    Mom and Dad get divorced when you were 10 and neither one had time to pat you on the head and say atta boy?

    Ass raped by a drunk uncle?

    It's only football; stupid.

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  29. 1. No one gets rejected from Bama. If you spell your name correctly on your SATs, you get a scholarship.

    2. If you don't like the blog, just don't read it. Maturity and class are lost on you.

    It's only a blog, stupid. And I LOVE it.

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  30. The truth is that I have never seen Bama fans, as a group, being so humble. We have no bragging rights and we understand that. Paul Finebaum has struggled to find someone... anyone to engage in braggadocio on his daily gossip column passing as a "sports talk show".

    The Crimson Tide football program is struggling to lift itself from one of the darkest periods in it's storied history. We all knew that we were short of depth last year. We then learned the depth of the attitude problem that existed in our program. We are still lacking in the number of quality, experienced players needed to compete in the best conference in NCAA football. We get it.

    That said, I continue to have confidence that progress is being made at the Capstone. It is significant that we have recruited quality talent over the past two years. It is always risky to rely on young and inexperienced players, but many of the greatest moments in the history of the Crimson Tide have involved rising above the odds and doing more with less. It is no accident that the Crimson Tide name evolved from a sportswriter's description of the squad as the "thin red line". They may be thin, but they wear the proud Crimson Jerseys.

    Bama will be "back" when the moment arrives in which the whole of the team exceeds the sum of it's parts. These kids have to learn to think and behave like champions once again. We await that moment when "the process" results in a group of individuals operating with one heartbeat. Will that moment arrive this year? We don't know -- but we do know that this day is coming. We may speak softly, but we carry a big stick. Enjoy your opportunity to deride the Tide. Your days are numbered.

    If the 2008 Crimson Tide wins 9 games, it will be a monumental achievement, considering the circumstances. It will be a huge step along the path that lies before us. It is a difficult path -- but champions are not made by way of the easy path.

    I look forward to the challenge. I will watch every game believing that we will find a way to win. I trust that the players will take the field with the same attitude. A time is coming when even you will be forced to admit that Bama is Back. Hide and watch.

    RTR!!!

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  31. I think as Saban's recruiting machine rolls on that so many of the Barn fans know that time is running out on the bragging window. The clock is a ticking on the Barns dominance and the a new era is at hand. The recruiting down on the plains is reminiscent of the Shula era and sooner or later it will show up on the field.

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  32. Capstone, do you touch yourself while you make comments like that? That's gross.

    Do you own one of those "Got Recruits?...Fear the Future" Tees? Be honest.

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  33. "Tried to get in 'Bama and were rejected?"

    In response to this idiotic comment: Alabama is the easiest school to get into in the state, if you don't count all of the community colleges. A few examples: a buddy of mine in high school was told by his dad that if he didn't get into Auburn, his first choice, he had to go to bama. He made a 19 on his ACT, and was admitted to alabama his first try. He was denied by Auburn 3 times.. a 19 on the ACT, and got into alabama on his first try.. you have to have at least a 24 on the ACT for Auburn to even consider you. Another example: someone gets a 26 on the ACT, and is given a full scholarship to UAT, and recieves nothing to Auburn. Also, more Auburn graduates are admitted to UA law school than "alabama grads" (which is just a fancy name for someone who does cocaine for four years and manages to not get shot in the hell hole known as Tuscaloosa.)

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  34. You are very cocky Eric (with a K) regarding an Auburn football squad with an untested quarterback, a new offensive coordinator, a new defensive coordinator and a head coach that shopped himself around in Texas and Arkansas while he should have been recruiting new players.

    You are young. You haven't seen very much of the greatest rivalry in college football that exists in our fair state.

    The time for idle chatter will soon be over. We'll see how this all shakes out when the bullet hits the bone. I, for one, can hardly wait.

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  35. Kodi Burns played in regular season games in 2007, and also the bowl game.

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  36. Greg McElroy played some last year also. But he won't be starting every game this year.

    Will Kodi Burns be the starter?

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  37. Kodi Burns had 5 of those fancy ruhcrotin' stars you idiotic bammers are so fond of...he's going to make chumps of you momos yet again this year so all you sons of bammers can expect a Thanksgiving pistol whippping at the hands of your drunken diddy. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of turds...

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  38. So the consensus view appears to be that Kodi will be the QB.

    It's a good thing that you guys don't have a quarterback controversy on top of all of the other unknowns this season.

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  39. Dear Dumbass:

    Please make a list of teams without unknowns going into this season.

    P.S. 6

    Sincerely,

    Non-bammer

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  40. I don't recall implying anything of the sort. I do find it interesting that LSU and Auburn are picked to lead the SEC considering the fact that they both start inexperienced quarterbacks.

    The new coaches at Auburn could very well be an improvement over last years staff. Then again... maybe not. I guess it's easy to be so confident when you've won so many championships.

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  41. Finebaum ate your lunch, bliaaaaaatch!

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  42. Nightswimmer is a goober. AU has as many SEC championships as bammer does in the last 20 years. Oh yeah, I forget "'tat wuz when we bammer 'wuz at 'ar worst".

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  43. The University of Alabama has won more championships than Auburn University in the past twenty years -- National and Conference.

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  44. I think you might have left a few things out dixieoracle.. In the past twenty years the "University" of Alabama has also had more cocaine dealers on the roster.. The "U of A" has also had more graduates pursue a career in which they work under an Auburn graduate.. They have also had two times as many coaches. Tradition and excellence, that's what they're all about at 'bama.' RTR baby!

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  45. Auburn University has exceeded the record of the University of Alabama in one significant category of NCAA records -- Probation for rules infractions.

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  46. I will disregard that statement because we all know it isn't true. In all seriousness, Auburn surpasses alabama in academics and athletics.

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  47. The Truth Hurts:

    1. Most championships won in the past 20 years? University of Alabama

    2. Most NCAA rules infractions in the state of Alabama? Auburn University (#3 in the Nation - Bama doesn't even make the list)

    Auburn is living on history. Yes, they did well under a new OC when Borges came in. Will they repeat that feat with a new OC & DC in 2008? Maybe.

    Will one (or both) of Auburn's new QB's be a shining star in 2008? Maybe... Maybe not. We shall see.

    History is important in football. Bama's history isn't so recent, but it is much more glorious. If you think that Bama will never recover from it's recent fall in fortune -- you're just fooling yourselves.

    You guys have become spoiled to excessive bragging. Enjoy it while it lasts. You've gotten almost as obnoxious as the University of Miami in 1992.

    Pride goeth before a fall.

    RTR!!!

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  48. Top 10 Reasons Alabama Polytechnic Institute is almost back!

    1) The playing field is slowly but surely evening out. API’s dominance over Alabama came during a time of which Alabama underwent nearly half a dozen coaching changes in eight seasons, and lost nearly thirty scholarships over a five year period. That prompted high quality talent to choose API over Alabama, which led to their sudden success. Not to mention half of our roster was apart of recruiting classes that finished ranked behind Ole Miss and Mississippi State, no disrespect to them.

    2) Alabama has a strong history of dominating API when their program isn’t in ruins. API only won 3 Iron Bowls in the 90s, and 4 out of 12 up until the year 2002, which was the year Alabama’s downfall began, the pieces are slowly picking themselves up, and before long, Alabama will pick back up where they left off BEFORE their program fell apart.

    3) Tommy Tuberville. Tuberville has been a head coach in the SEC for 14 years. He posted losing records in the SEC in his first six seasons. He won his first and only SEC title, with a senior led offense, in his TENTH year of coaching. He NEVER FOUND THE KEY TO SUCCESS until he cleverly managed to fill Alabama’s void courtesy of the NCAA and a myriad of coaching changes, which also saved him from being canned at The Alabama Polytechnic Institute. After his and API’s cross state superior was eliminated from competition, that’s when he and the API Cowgirls elevated to the top. When Alabama arises from the pits of mediocrity, they’ll slap Tuberville and the API Cowgirls back into their rightful rank in the state and in the SEC.

    4) Nick Saban. LSU endured seven losing seasons in the 1990s. When he took over at LSU, they immediately became the dominator of the SEC West, and because of Nick Saban to this day, they’re still the division’s top team. In five years, Nick Saban won 2 SEC titles and 1 BCS title. He took over an Alabama program in a similar, but slightly worse condition, so expect him to do the same here.

    5) The history of Alabama’s historic coaches taking over during API streaks. When Bear Bryant took over in the 1950s, API had a four game winning streak going over Alabama. In his first season, he posted a mediocre 5-4 record and lost to API, which was the fifth straight win over Alabama. Bear Bryant retired from Alabama with a record not worth mentioning over API, just to save them the humiliation. In 1990, Gene Stallings took over during a time of which API had four consecutive wins over Alabama. Though he did post a mediocre 7-5 record in his first season, he also ended the streak, and retired from Alabama having owned API 5-2. Now, Nick Saban’s in a similar position, and just as Barnies ran their mouth about Stallings and Bryant, they’re doing the same with Saban. With time, he’ll ultimately put Tubby back in his place, and silence the Barnies who AUbsess daily over Alabama and Nick Saban.

    6) Six new coordinators in four years. When Tubby realizes Tony "The Innovator of controversy" Franklin is just as worthless as Al Borges it’ll be seven. And when Paul Rhoads realizes there are better opportunities elsewhere in college towns that don’t center around woods and trailer parks, and provide more entertainment than just rodeos for the students, he’ll abandon API and that will make eight.

    7) Recruiting. Tuberville’s marvelous recruiting during the time of which Alabama was unable to recruit at full force has suddenly turned in Alabama’s favor, and now Tuberville is stealing worthless recruits away from East Popcorn State, Montgomery Institute for the blind, and Opelika Middle School. If he couldn’t win with this kind of talent at Ole Miss, and at API before our downfall occurred, he won’t win with this type of talent today.

    8) Close calls. Throughout API’s remarkable six* game win streak over the Tide during their time of sorrow, they’re only defeating Alabama by an average of 7 points or less. With that being said, they’ve one upped Alabama in recruiting all throughout our period of decline, yet they’re only defeating them by an average of 7 points or less?!?! Now that Alabama is not just one upping them, but flat out owning them, API will have to find a new method of winning that doesn’t consist of heavily relying on one or two crucial in game mishaps on Alabama’s behalf to win the game by a hair.

    9) Class and karma. Karma is a bitch. Everyone with more than half a brain realizes that to be true. Holding up fingers, taunting the losers of the game is sheerly classless. Stomping your opposition’s logo after a victory is sheerly classless. Not punishing your players for being bullies and knocking down members of Alabama’s yell crew is sheerly classless. Running amok 24/7, 365 days a year, insisting on rubbing it in Alabama fan’s faces that you’ve consecutively won during the worst period in Alabama’s modern history, while every other fan base treats the win with class and moves on, is classless. Karma will catch up, and when it does, it’s going to devastate the Barnies in an unbearable fashion.

    10) Equilibrium. It is comical for Barnies to talk about the Louisiana-Monroe game, but little do they realize they’re L-M’s equal at the current moment. L-M defeated Alabama 21-14 where as API defeated Alabama 17-10. While the jaws are moving, L-M aka API’s equal is going to walk into Opelika and snap those jaws shut after API realizes their equal is also their superior as well.

    Don’t worry though. This may not be the year, but next year definitely is! War Damn Eagle Hey!

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  49. I noticed you mentioned the Bear in your article, which is hilarious. Also, you mentioned something about Tuberville's recruiting stating, "he won’t win with this type of talent today," yet he has beat UAT the past six years..also, you put an asterisk next to six, which I am guessing means "doesn't really count." The reality is, Auburn has won the past six years, and if there should be an asterisk next to anything, it should be next to about six alabama national championships.

    Oh and class, well, here is class:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7KdbvJUOL4

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  50. As an Auburn fan, your primary concern right now should be whether your defensive squad is going to commit assault and battery on so many starters that you won't be able to compete with Louisiana Monroe.

    Oh yeah... remind me that they beat Bama. Like you reminded us of Mississippi State last year.

    The season starts in a couple of weeks. Then your bragging rights from last year are officially over with. We'll see what this season brings.

    Best of luck.

    RTR!!!

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  51. James, that is a picture perfect case study on Delusional Reasoning Using Half-Truth and Outright Fabrication. Did you have that emailed to you? If not, then a lucrative career in the Alabama Legislature is yours for the taking! Seriously, do you also think that Obama is going to bring his family over from Africa after he's elected President?

    It's hilarious that the later Bammer posters somehow think this is an Auburn blog.

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  52. I'm glad that there are idiots like you in the world that feel the need to put your expert opinions online for everyone to read. Obviously you don't know much about football or the Alabama Crimson Tide or Coach Saban. Maybe you just like eating crow. I just hope your not quite as stupid as you appear to be...but I wouldn't bet on it. Roll Tide and rammerjammer!!!

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  53. Awe, Floridan has clearly never been to a game at Ole Miss. I've been to numerous games in T-town, and if anything I'm being generous with the stereotypes.

    You sure are up late for a school night, Flo-rida.

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  54. Thats pretty funny. Eat those words now.... 10-0 baby

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  55. I must admit Erik, I'd never seen an Ole Miss fan until I was forced to spend a weekend in the godawful state of Mississippi (which I see also why it's the "fattest state" in America; most uncivilized should be next).

    Ole Miss fans make Alabamians and even Cajuns look like super-models.

    By the way, 12-2 (and YET ANOTHER victory over the Rebel-Necks... just give up!) surely makes 'Bama seem to be "back" to me.

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