Stereotypes of The SEC
Thanks to super-badass reader Rocky, we can now cast our very own Deep South Simpsons. Early favorites are Tennessee, UK and of course my contribution with his hot new "got nick?" tee.
click to enlarge
Posting is gonna be damn near non-existent for the next week. Sorry, but we've got a pretty strong excuse. DeepSouthSports is getting married this weekend (I know, I know...I'm not earning any "Man Points"). DeepSouthSports will then be honeymooning in Jamaica.
Consider it the calm before the college football storm.
In the mean time, enjoy some of my fellow bloggers to the right and think fondly of me. I'll be sitting on some far away beach... drinking a "Dirty Banana" and pouring one out for my bachelorhood.
Thursday, July 26
Stereotypes of The SEC
Wednesday, July 25
This is an amazing expose. It is a view inside what appears to be a Crimson Tide themed, manufactured tree house. Professional investigative journalist, Daniel Baker takes on the unenviable task of interviewing known Bama fanatic and sidewalk alum Donnie Ingram in his natural habitat or "Tide Trailer."
Please let Bammer Donnie make parallels between The Bible and Alabama Football.
Nevermind the bare studs and visible insulation...Donnie's remodeling
Daniel Baker's Archives
Saturday, July 21
Kige Ramsey Cares About Women's Issue
I think this is one of Kige's best takes to date. First, he basically calls Danica Patrick a whiny bitch, and then he goes on to talk about how glorious it would be for woman everywhere if she would just shut up and win. I don't know about you guys, but I'm picking up a little sexual tension here.
Hmmm...maybe Ashley Judd isn't the only Kentucky fan with a thing for pro drivers.
Kige Ramsey - he's bringing wood-paneling back
The Kige Archives
Posted by Erik at 2:49 PM
While Nick Saban's players are back in Tuscaloosa assaulting police officers and breaking squad car windows, he's blowing off some steam far, far away from "icky Tuscaloosa." Maybe he's vacationing at his cabin on rugged North Georgia's Lake Burton.
Yes, with his new job, Saban is finally able to afford something special for the wife and kids. A no frills little place in the woods where he and Terry can get some much needed "R & R." Away from South Beach, away from Mal Moore, away from Alana Colette Connell and her tailer park ilk.
No, he didn't follow the Mountain Brook crowd to Lake Martin or the sidewalk bama crowd to Logan-Martin. Nick Saban is just a good ole boy from West Virgina. He doesn't have time for that shit.
He's not worried about ego, status or keeping us with the Scrushies. Saban's all about getting back to the basics. He may be a little fella, but surely he's not compensating for anything...
Click to inflate Saban's ego - You should see the film room
Hat Tip: Gordo
Posted by Erik at 10:01 AM
Wednesday, July 18
Sponsored By The Simpson's Movie
You ever wondered what a Bama fan would look like if they were featured on The Simpsons? I know I have. Thanks to the fine scientists over at Simpsonsmovie.com, we can all make that dream a reality.
Unfortunately, they didn't have "Got Nick?" as a Tee shirt option. That would have been sweet ass. Notice the angry eyes - Like somebody just asked him to donate to a tornado relief fund...Notice his unkempt hair - Nobody tell him what to do; just like Nick F'n Saban...Notice the black jeans that say "I respect the traditions of the past." He's once, twice, three times a Bammer. I think he needs a mate. The female of the species is on the way...
Edit: Nick's Chick
Tuesday, July 17
Monday, July 16
Saban Still Omnipotent?
Why does Coach Nick Saban let bad things happen to good people? Why didn't Coach stop this!?! Hey...Maybe it's all part of CNS's greater plan.
Here's the official internet rumor from Tidesports.com (In Tider Speak, the "Caps Lock" means it's seriously true):
FIRST OF ALL, I AM AS FANATIC ABOUT BAMA FOOTBALL AS ANYONE. I WAS THERE, DEADRICK AND UPCHURCH WERE ARRESTED BY TPD AND THREE OTHERS WERE TAKEN AWAY BY UAPD. THE BOUNCERS AT LEGACY TURNED THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO GET UNDER-AGE GIRLS IN WITH THEM AND THEY DID NOT ADHERE TO DRESS CODE. THEY CAME BACK AND STARTED FIGHTING WITH BOUNCERS. POLICE WERE CALLED. FIRST TWO POLICE OFFICERS ORIGINALLY TRIED TO MAKE THE PLAYERS JUST LEAVE. DEADRICK GOT PHYSICAL WITH THE OFFICERS. BACK UP ARRIVED IN A BIG WAY. DEADRICK ENDED UP PEPPER SPRAYED AND THEN USED HIS HEAD TO BUST WINDOW IN THE BACK OF A UNIT. SEVERAL OTHER PLAYERS WERE PRESENT BUT COULD NOT CONTROL DEADRICK AND "GANG". UPCHURCH WAS ARRESTED BY TPD ALSO. PR IS A HUGE THING WHEN IT COMES TO PLAYERS SO IT WILL TAKE DAY OR 2 TO FILTER TO OFFICIAL MEDIA. BOTTOM LINE IS WE DO NOT NEED THESE KIND OF PLAYERS AT BAMA, WE ARE NOT UT. THE PLAYERS HAVE BEEN ALOT MORE DISCIPLINED AROUND HERE SINCE SABAN TOOK OVER. THESE FEW ARE A BAD REP OF THE REST OF THE TEAM. I HOPE SABAN MAKES AN EXAMPLE OF DEADRICK. HE DOES NOT DESERVE TO REPRESENT BAMA AT ALL. FOLKS THIS IS WHAT I OBSERVED, NOT RUMOR. I FEEL SORRY FOR THE REST OF THE TEAM THAT WAS THERE AND TRIED TO PREVENT THIS ALONG WITH TPD WHO TRIED TO HANDLE THIS DIFFERENTLY BUT HAD NO CHOICE TO ARREST AFTER DEADRICK PUT HIS HANDS ON 2 COPS.
I actually have no reason to doubt this, and it sounds like one hell of a time. If this all pans out like it should, we are certainly looking at a bigger P.R. turd than last season's Marajawaun Simpson fiasco. (Read: Players suspended for Western Carolina AND Louisiana Monroe) The "Legit Alabama Media" is attempting to downplay the severity of this story (currently no sign of it on the front page of al.com sports). Either that, or they actually care about "fact checking" and "journalistic integrity." Sucks for them.
No matter what happens, we know that it is Saban's will. Coach works in mysterious ways.
Yeah, I stopped reading "the funnies" when The Far Side got canned or retired or whatever. By the way, The Family Circus can kiss my ass.
It would take something truly amazing to get me back reading that fish wrap they call the Sunday Comics. Much like this feature from The Auburner. Those guys are Hiiilarious. The Birmingham News would be wise to pick this up...
2004 College QB Reunion:
As you know, Les Miles isn't the boastful type. He's not one to toot his own horn, if you will. Even so, some of his lesser known qualities need not go without laud. It seems that we may have underestimated the brain behind the hat. Les Miles is not only a noted football strategist and prevayer of hip-hop joints, but apparently he has also been known to "bust a few rhymes" in a more traditional sense.
In this recent Superprep interview with a rising Mississippi running back, I feel that we get a little bit closer to understanding the genius that is Les Miles...
Who is coming after Johnson the hardest?
"Alabama and LSU. Alabama has been sending me a lot a letters about how their athletes get to live in their own apartments. LSU keeps sending me a lot a poems."
Wow. And I thought Poetry was a lost art in Deep South College Football. What a lucky young man this Johnson! I bet you readers would like to get your greasy little hands on a Les Miles original wouldn't you? Well...Today is your lucky day.
Bloggers Note: Some edits have been made to protect the innocent.
To A 5 Star Recruit:
Come Ball With Me
As I cruise through the swamp with its shadowy grass,
I dream of the gridiron and whoopin' some PAC-10 ass.
For your crazy skills, I impart mad props.
To have you on board, we'll pull out the stops.
Be it a Lexus, a 'Sclade or a Hummer Truck,
This is Louisiana. Nobody gives a F**k.
Your Momma like Ice? Don't throw them bows!
We'll even take care of yo chickenheaded hoes.
LSU is the s**t, of this I am certain,
You F with a Tiger, Yo ass I be hurtin'.
We play with the best, and dress you in styles.
So come ball with me, Les Mother F**cking Miles.
"Haha!" - Les Miles - Renaissance Man
Friday, July 13
Add to My Profile | More Videos
OK, I'd be willing to concede that Reggie Bush may not be #5's father, but how much you wanna bet that his real dad is a majorleague asshat? Or maybe I've just been watching too many movies this off season.
"S**T, DEM BOYS HAVIN THE TIME OF THEY LIVES!!!!"
Thursday, July 12
How Did You Spend Your Off-Season?
Noted man's man... Brady Quinn spent his down time totally not acting gay. And I thought Eli got hazed. Some of these pictures we know, some we are meeting for the first time.
OMG!!! Brady is soo about to get with Bret Michaels on his tour bus! (mondesishouse)
Wednesday, July 11
This guy is a youtube badass. Basically, Kige just tells it like it is and lets the chips fall where they may. Sports is Kige's passion, but sometimes he lends his keen intellect to other important matters; such as politics and the I-phone.
Don't be alarmed by this recent Kige Classic. I'm sure he's not really fluffing himself at the Wal-Marks.
Kige's Extensive Youtube Sports Archives
The Kige Interview
It's hard to make a mere tent look white-trashy, but the fine folks at Sunbelt Inflatables in Jackson, AL (where?) seem to have pulled it off...
That's right...It's a $1300 inflatable model. It's either this, or an above-ground pool. Congrats. If only they could have included the years of of all 12 championships (much like The Jacket) or at least a subtle "Got Twelve?"
Via edsbs and fanblogs
This is the day I have been hoping for, but suddenly... why do I feel so empty inside?
Was Dave Rowe fired? Did he go "Bigman on Bigman" on some suit's ass? The JP/Lincoln viewers demand some effin' answers!
Dave Archer, the former Falcons quarterback and the team's radio color analyst for the past three seasons, added a new chapter to his broadcast resume Tuesday when he was named as the analyst on Lincoln Financial's SEC Game of the Week.
Archer, the Falcons' quarterback from 1984-87, replaces former NFL great Dave Rowe. Archer will team up in the booth with Dave Neal for each week's 12:30 p.m. game.
WTF?! Allegedly, this new Dave is a real professional. Where's the fun in that? Since when does Jefferson Pilot care about professionalism? Who am I gonna laugh at when Florida is raping Kentucky?
Yes, it's true. I will miss the all the "Bigman on Bigman" talk...the cute little way he f'ed up everyone's name...the way he stated the obvious and always seemed to work in stories about how things were when he played ball.
Case in point: He made me laugh, he made me cry and he made me cringe. He was a mess, but he was my mess. Now...LFS just tossed him out on his Big man ass like he was yesterday's garbage.
Here's to you, Dave Rowe. Best of luck...
There will never be another three Daves like the original Daves
More on this developing story as it develops
Related: Speaking Ill of the Dead
Tuesday, July 10
Have you ever thought that your school and/or football program needed a reality show? Of course you have. Otherwise, you wouldn't be at work checking a college football blog in July. So, assuming the consent of the football program (a slight assumption), these are the shows I would pitch to the networks, and I would make billions.
Alabama - Bama's Back? - The Rise of Sabanism
Lets start off with an easy one. How could this not be a #1 hit that makes American Idol look like watching C-SPAN at your grandmother's quilting convention in Jasper.
What would the over/under be on the number of the fan's, media and administration's children that Saban would eat per episode? And you thought Rush Probst was an egomaniacal asshat. After reading Saban's Itinerary, I'd be watching this 24/7 a la The Truman Show.
Plus, seeing Saban's cranium explode after his first loss to Houston on homecoming would take me to a very happy place. It would appear on Fox, but with Saban's filthy mouth, it would be much better suited for Showtime.
Auburn - How Big is Your Love?
Kenny Irons stars in a Bachelor-esque reality show where they pit 7 "average" ladies against 7 small midget dwarfs for all of Kenny's love and affection. The city of Auburn would host the spectacle and there would be plenty of mud wrastlin', 7 on 7 football and dates to whatever bar currently occupies the locale formally known as "The Blue Room." Obviously, this would appeal to the VH1 crowd that somehow embraces Flavor of Love.
Arkansas - Hawgasm
This Telenovela would make everybody in the Natural State forget about The Simple Life (the edsbs archives). The storylines are breathtaking. Character's include Beck Campbell and her Springdale Posse, Diane Nutt, Donna Bragg, Frank Broyles, Gus Malzahn, Darren McFadden, Dick Nut Johnson and that dips**t with the Arkansas fan poll... Why? Cause Arkansas fans are as crazy as Bama fans without all that old timey "Tradition" in the spank bank. In essence, this would be the only show in town, and what a magnificent multi layered show it would be.
Hawgasm would play out like a true life Pulp Fiction, with all the characters doin' they own thing until they come together in the end at Manhattan's Downtown Athletic Club for the Heisman Presentation...But when the curtain flies back...It's Coach Nutt, Beck Campbell and Lee Corso in how do I say...An unorthodox formation...playing a lively game of naked tag! And in the closest Heisman vote ever, the Award goes to Brian Brohm. WTF?! America's not ready for this brand of reality yet. This would certainly be a Telemundo exclusive.
LSU - Everybody Hates Les
Could this guy be anymore of a dickass turdface? All I know is he's a public relations nightmare, and he would make great TV. (Not that LSU fans care about any of that s**t - They'll piss all over you) Lester's assault on Hayley LaFontaine was truly something to behold. Yes, this walking, mouth-breathing bobble-head has all the cockiness of Saban and all the smarts of Gump. A lethal combination...unless you're looking for ratings. Which we are.
Mississippi State - The Slytanic
How to lose a Black SEC Head Football Coach in 60 Days. Lets face it. Things aren't exactly hunky dory in Starkganistan. This is Sly's 4th season in at MSU and the Bulldogs haven't tasted Bowl since Y2K when hell froze over (literally) in Shreveport. In fact, they haven't even won more than three games in a season! More importantly, there are Zero signs of improvement on the horizon (read: recruiting) Everybody wants Crooms to succeed real bad (at least they used ta), but this isn't The Post Office, and he's gonna have to show us something on the bottom line to even sniff year 5.
Basically, the show would revolve around how the administration is going to try and save face in this inevitable s**t storm of a firing. Sharpton, say what?
Ole Miss - The Courting of Jerrell Powe
Will this story ever effing die? This might make for a better novel than reality TV show. Jerrell Powe, the most sought after high school player that the state of Mississippi has produced since Marcus Dupree is trying for the old "third time's the charm" bulls**t. Jerrell has been denied college by the NCAA twice and now the Ole Miss administration is getting sick of all these shenanigans. Even his Momma, the one who's supposed to be forever in his corner, was callin' bulls**t on Jerrell. She was quoted as saying something along the lines of "That Mother F**ker Can't Read, Y'all!"
Needless to say, it was an ugly scene and made all the papers. Illiteracy issues aside, this show is a producer's wet dream. Plus, anything that involves The Orgeron is good for you and good for TV. If you ever thought that The Program needed a Reality based sequel, this show is for you.
Orgeron is money in the bank
Monday, July 9
Why the hell would you not pay 275 bones for this sweet ass jacket? In case your family, friends and co-workers were wondering, wear this tri-tone leather jacket with pride and let everyone know that you are indeed a complete
whitetrash, douchebag stud.
S**t, it's even on "Super Clearance" for some crazy assed reason. $191.20 Are you 'effin me?!? I'll take three.
Now, whenever some dummy Aubarn fan starts talking smack about "The Thumb" or "5 in a row," no need to ask them if they "Got Twelve?" Now you can just point at the back of your new leather National Champions jacket and walk away.
Score One For The Tide!
Back from the Bachelor party and feeling fine. There's nothing that a sausage-fest in the mountains can't cure: A few dozen beers, trout and Deliverance jokes (do they ever get old? No). Now back to business...
As Orson alluded, this clip (HT: TheSportingOrange) should spread through the College Football Blogosphere like Paris Hilton Approved VD. It's no Diamonds from Glasgow (get out of their effin' way!), but it's got teeth. Teeth like say...vintage DC Talk. If you went to a private, caucasiancentric, churchy high school like mine, you can certainly relate to this esteemed level of turdulence.
I present to you Eastside Catholic High School - Seattle, WA (Cobain would be proud):
Catholic School ROOOOOOOCKS!
Thursday, July 5
No more posting this week. I'm off and up out to Cherokee National Forest for a Manly weekend (Read: my bachelor party). God willing, I'll be back Monday. Enjoy yo-self.
Bears - the greatest threat to mankind
got twelve, mother effer!?!
James Walker and Francis Elizabeth Became of One Tide at Legion Field
If you do anything today, watch this classic video from Fox 6. In it, you'll see more stereotypes than you can shake a crimson shaker at:
- Matching mudflaps
- Crimson from head to toe
- Got twelve t-shirt
- Met on the internets (probably surfing at the same public library)
- James' left ear is twice the size of his right
- James has a sweet gold Bama chain
- Best man is wearing black sweat pants
It's rollin' baby - some things just can't wait for Gatlinburg
Wednesday, July 4
Gayest. Celebration. Ever.
66 effin' Hotdogs in 12 minutes, or 1 every 10.9 seconds (Tebow would have taken his ass)
For those of you that were out grilling sausage and drinking beer like normal people, I hunted up some video. Here's the exhilarating final two minutes, when everything was in doubt but anything was possible.
Major League Eating... It's Shartastic!
I'll admit that the foreigner should get a bonus point for eating his own vomit - Major credit
Other World Records Held by Chestnut (Wikipedia):
- Grilled Cheese Sandwiches: 47 sandwiches in 10 minutes at the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas, NV on June 10, 2006.
- Horseshoe Sandwiches: 6 pounds, 5 ounces of horseshoe sandwiches at the Illinois State Fair on August 12, 2006.
- Gyoza: 212 chicken and vegetable gyoza during Nisei Week in Little Tokyo in 10 minutes on August 19, 2006.
- Asparagus: 8.6 pounds of tempura-fried asparagus at the Asparagus Festival in Stockton, CA, on April 28, 2007.
First Loser - Kobayashi
In the words of Japanese Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, "I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve."
That's right, bitches! Today, I'm just real glad and proud to be an American. USA...USA...USA!
Link: Deadspin was on site for all the Glory
Whether it be on the field, off the field or at Talladega, Matthew Stafford loves
making Joe Cox his bitch to compete.
Matty takes that spirit of competition to a whole new level as seen in this recently leaked Georgia Bulldog spring practice team photo.
How will Tebow answer?
Stafford is a man among boys (click to enlarge)
Credit: Loserswithsocks and Jai Eugene
Tuesday, July 3
“I can tell you this, that they have a much easier road to travel,” Miles said of the Trojans. “They’re going to play real knockdown drag-outs with UCLA and Washington, Cal-Berkley, Stanford (um...I'm picking up your sarcasm, Les) — some real juggernauts — and they’re going to end up, it would be my guess, in some position so if they win a game or two, that they’ll end up in the title (game). I would like that path for us.
“I think the SEC provides much stiffer competition.”“The Big 12 is a conference that might have two really pretty good teams, maybe four,” said Miles, who coached in the Big 12 while at Oklahoma State. “I think the Pac-10 may have one or two really good ones. The ACC certainly, arguably, has some quality teams.
“I don’t think there’s any conference out there that has as many quality teams as ours.”
How bout a nice warm glass of shut the hell up, Les!
Today, we're going to talk about private thoughts and public thoughts. When talking in public, lets try and use the filter.
Let me paraphrase Kyle King over at Dawgsport when I say, We don't need our SEC head coaches looking like ignorant, hayseed assholes when we've already got enough ignorant, hayseed fans toeing that line.
Is there some truth in Miles ramblings? Maybe, but leave that fight to the fanboys and Heismanpundit commentors, Les. Why so angry? Cause I'd dare say that you're doing pretty well at LSU (consensus pre-season Top 5 team). Somehow, it's never good enough, eh?
Miles always seems to come across like the thirteen year old boy who, at the first signs of testosterone, takes out his frustrations the college football messageboard as opposed to the appropriate avenues. Like that annoying little cyberspace prick who's MO is merely "talking s**t." Hey, he may be forced to log in under his sister's AOL screen name, but that doesn't mean you're better than him, asshole!
Maybe Les is compensating for his massive, slingbladesque head, or the equally amazing custom hat-job that covers said cranial expanse. Maybe that's it. Either way, it's all just effin' mindbottling.
Link: The Advocate