Friday, September 15

Who's On Notice?

Week 3

Lou Holtz - What a dick bandit this guy is. Yeah, I know. He's like 117 years old. That's exactly why he should be relaxing at Del Boca Vista - Phase III - and not co-hosting a live television broadcast. Yesterday alone, he referred to The Pac-10 Trojans as "The University of USC" and two minutes later called AU, "The University of Auburn."

These are top five schools, Lou! And you're getting paid...I assume they're paying your wrinkly ass.

Oh, and the jokes are horrendous! I get enough "old man humor" when I visit my own grandpa, so shove that crap, Holtz!

Enough of the soap box...

Lou's only redeeming quality is that his mere existence is a daily reminder to Trev Alberts of how much he must suck at life.

Stupid Spoiled Whores -

"This world is going to sh*t, and I hate every minute of it"

A quote from yours truly. (after watching an hour of MTV with the girlfriend)

Jeff Sagarin - Supposedly he's some math nerd. What the hell he has to do with football I don't know, but his computer says the Pac-10 is the King of Virtual Football and the Southeastern Conference is teh suxors!!!!1111.

ABC's Bitch (The Gameday Crew) - You'd think College Football Gameday would always want to set up shop at the biggest game of the week, right? Which, of course, this weekend is the de facto SEC West Championship game between (#3) Auburn and (#5) LSU, but no, that game is not found on the Disney roster (ABC/ESPN).

Then, the crew opted for another huge yearly matchup between the (#7) Florida and (#15) Tennessee in Knoxville (on ESPN), but at the last minute, an anonymous change was made and they're 'going back to Cali' for (#19) Nebraska @ (#4) USC (on Big Sister ABC).

Who knew?

Downtown/South-Central L.A. was Gameday/Tailgate Central! It should be a wild and crazy time. You be the judge...

The Tennessee River or The LA River?

The Volunteer Navy or The Bloods and Crips?

Rocky Top or Gangster Rap?

"volunteer Orange" or "Bullet-Proof-Vest Black?"

A Half-Empty, Half-Bored coliseum or 110,000 Rowdy HillBillies?

...well, maybe I should have ended with the Bullet-Proof-Vest.

All-White Sneakers - A staple in the sunshine state for years, and I've seen an alarming number of them invading some of my favorite haunts here in Birmingham. Say it ain't so, K-Swiss.

Honkies do the darndest things!

"Separation Saturday" - This is the way Mickey Mouse's ABC/ESPN Empire is referring to the upcoming football weekend. What a bunch of turd tappers.

No Food Bringin' Tailgaters - We all know this guy. He comes to your tailgate with dick in his hands. He eats the last of your beer-butt-chicken, and asks if he can "Bum a Beer" or eleven. Then he doesn't even have the gosh darn courtesy to help with the clean up. He disappears as quick as he came, to the disappointment of no one.

One Team Conferences - The Pac-10, The Big XII, The ACC. Pathetic. Even the Big East is laughing at your competition. Actually, I don't know who the top team in the ACC is (the only BCS league without a single Top 10 team). I seem to remember all the experts saying that the ACC was going to be a powerhouse when the new teams arrived (Va Tech, Miami, BC). Well...they done been there for awhile now...


  1. I hate to tell you this, but Sagarin's ratings are very, VERY reliable when picking a winner heads up between teams. It sucks to see where your team is ranked in that, but if you are in a football pool and there are two teams you know nothing about with no line, Sagarin's rankings make it an easy choice. Hell, it's always more reliable than the old coin flip.

  2. I'm well aware of Mr. Sagarin. (I was just being an ass)

    Math will get you a long way in life, but I just don't buy that crap.

  3. Aren't you that guy at the tailgate? (Or any other function).

  4. (channeling Rush Probst of Hoover Football): "Goldman, Hmm lets see. Who brought a double sausage plate to the last Football Saturday?!?... Ding!"

    I don't see you stepping up to the culinary plate, you self serving bastard!

  5. Well Sagarin's "math" helped me win my football pool this weekend. It also helped me win two weeks last year and come in second another week.

  6. Sounds like he's got you pretty far! Hope you took home some cash.