Friday, June 15

Alabama Contractually Obligated to Provide Virgins

Tuscaloosa Forced to Outsource

The University is already in hot water with Nick Saban over their recently agreed upon contractual obligations. Especially when it comes to following through on one item in The Coach's extensive list of demands.

No, it doesn't involve the 25 hours of flight time on The University's private jet, or Saban's unwillingness to support local, university endorsed charities. Not even the wording that Saban uses to avoid dealing with the media is causing this much of a stir. This is a matter about which all parties involved would prefer to remain discrete.

More specifically, it involves Saban's demand for "10 pure-hearted virgins" that attend to his every need, and fan him constantly with "Raffia Palm branches" from 6am to 9pm, Monday though Saturday while he is going about the business of the program.

The Administration's shortcomings in this matter certainly cannot be attributed to a lack of effort or applicants. The Internship office has been taking all comers: Interviewing Students, Alumni, Booster's daughters and even members of the Tuscaloosa community at large. Day and night. Anything to assuage the wrath of Saban.

Unfortunately, like America's desolate manufacturing sector, The Virgin is a rare breed at The Capstone. Much of the labor will need to be outsourced to Bama fans at neighboring colleges and universities with less formidable tradition. Recruiters are setting up shop at schools such as Samford in Birmingham and Mississippi College in Jackson.

After months of silence, Alabama president, Robert E. Witt made this statement:

"Sadly, with the popularity of the Greek system, underage drinking,, abuse of prescription meds and well...Cocaine, virgins in this town don't really stand a chance. Our tradition here at The University has never really been called into question, at least... until Coach Saban's unorthodox, albeit wonderful contract brought a few new issues to the forefront.

Even so, we are all working around the clock to meet any and all demands that come down from The Football Office. We will do whatever it takes to reestablish The University at its rightful place of respect in the College Football Universe.

Why? You know any virgins?"

Saban is Angry

Editor's Note: Alana Collete Connell has "No Comment" on this developing story.

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  1. Didn't say it had to be female virgins. Check the engineering dept.

  2. Erik - I've been waiting for you to comment on the recent article on Ole Miss commit Bernard Smith.

    Evidently he doesn't think your Rebels are recruiting worth a damn and he wants out. The problem seems to be that no one else wants him either.

    Why is the best recruiter in college football offering and taking commitments from 6'2 - 205lb defensive ends anyways??

    Are the Rebels really getting any better under Orgeron than they were under Cutcliffe? Will a third straight losing season cost him his job before Snead the saviour becomes eligible?

    Please enlighten us. Saban's unquenchable thirst for virgins surely is secondary to the latest news on Coach O and his recruiting prowess, right?? Get with it man!!!

  3. You can read my thoughts about him on this thread:

    So one 17-year-old doesn't have a good time at camp so the sky is falling?

    Boo F'n Hoo.

    Is that entertaining/news-worthy for anyone other than Die-hard Ole Miss fans?

    You're really reaching here, Anonymous.

    I could write a post about how Ole Miss Baseball is cursed. Would that make you happy?

  4. I arrived at this post via Wizard of Odds. Great take- I wish I'd thought of it.

  5. Beautiful. That's really all I can say. Beautiful.

  6. Pure Hearted Virgins? I have heard that somewhere before... Q