Friday, September 28

Various Other Sundries

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This is where I just talk and rant about anything and everything from a southern sports fan's perspective.

Pop Culture Pessimism

What the hell is going on in music right now? Maybe I'm just getting old, but I pulled up my itunes at work the other day and looked at the "Top Songs" in the Music Store, and it did nothing but make me sad for the future of America.

I know that technically the average IQ in America is 100, but in the music world, if you can "make poopie in the toilet," you're considered "high functioning" and successful. In essence, popular music is devolving into a jumble of cover songs, pre-school lyrics ("Lady Humps?") and sex noises...all thrown together in the studio to net some cock-ass a couple Mil.

The new #1, top song downloaded on itunes is that ridiculously embarrassing turd that Britney Spears laid on stage at the Video Music Awards or Movie Awards or whatever. Are you effing kidding me?

No seriously, people are actually rewarding that stupid, bald Gunt with millions and millions of 99 cent downloads. If there's a bigger no-talent-ass-whore in showbiz, let me know.

The #2 effing song in America right now is called "Crank dat Soulja Boy" WTF!!! (this youtube of three wanstas dancin' "tha soulja boy" has 13 million views!) I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! No wonder 3/4 of Americans can't speak the King's English, much less read or spell. I've tried to listen to the song, but all I can make out is something about "Superman" and "Robo-cop."

After seeing the video of The Texas Longhorns and as well as Sebastian the Ibis doing their own renditions of "Crank dat," I just had to find out about this bullshit craze that sweeping America's dumbasses. Apparently, Hip-Hop, a genre that is historically known for creativity and talent [/sarcasm], has now raised the artistic bar, and is mimicking Country line-dancing? Next thing you know, Nelly will be doing a craptastic song with Tim McGraw...F Me, this shit is awful. The Miami Hurricanes even have their own version of the song that some a-hole did with a couple of tard friends in the basement...

#3 on itunes' exclusive list is Kanye West's no-talent cover of a Daft Punk song from 2001. What? You can't even wait the traditional 10-20 years to steal somebody's work? Pathetic. The worst thing, is most kids don't even realize that it's not even an original song. It's just crazy assed Kanye talking over another cover. Congrats, asshole.

#4 on the list is the only song that actually displays some form of musical/lyrical talent. It's that 1,2,3,4 Song from the new ipod commercial, and that is the only reason it's on this list. If you force feed the American public a half way decent musical talent, it ultimately becomes popular on repetition alone.

Now that I've listened to the whole song, I take back the lyrical quality comment. I'm pretty sure she counts all the way to Ten in the chorus but inexplicably skips the "seven" and "eight." So I guess if you can't think of anything witty to say/rhyme in your song, just start counting... You almost had me, skank.

The rest of the list is mostly filled with filth that I really know nothing about so I won't attempt a comment.

Actually, one that I would like to comment on is the #8 song in the land that features one of the most frustrating phenomenons in all of the music industry. The popularity of Nickelback. Never has the fifth defensive-back been so disrespected. If I were a Nickelback I would ask coach if I could try out for holder or long-snapper... Anything.

Here's an example of the brain-melting, auditory terrorism that these Canadian rejects brought south of the border...

"I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I'll have the quesadilla, on the house)

I'm gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion"
Wow. We are all now dumber for having read that. That quesadilla line, Yeah, I didn't add that in. It's part of the damn song. I can see this scrotebag's "writing process" now..."Hmmm...what rhymes with 'assholes'?"

You might be wondering why I'm talking about this. (well, it all started with the "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" actually) I say all this as a public service announcement. If you have kids, or know a kid, or like kids... don't let them listen to any of this shit. (especially if they live in Ohio) Introduce that impressionable young man or woman to some Allman Brothers, some Rolling Stones or maybe even a more "current" band like The North Mississippi All-Stars. Basically, any band that writes their own music, actually plays instruments and makes an attempt at thoughtful, meaningful lyrics.

Don't let your kids' first impression of "Beast of Burden" involve 50 cent rapping over it.

Nickelback sucks in Portugal too

1 comment:

  1. i salute you for going off on the "soulja boy." i didn't know this thing even existed until i was on youtube a couple weeks ago looking for virginia tech smack to send to my lsu buddies (back when i thought va tech might have something), and i came across this. then, like you, i started seeing it everywhere...ibis, longhorns, etc. fucking garbage.